Betwixt

I smile as I remember the large bowls we used to fill to overflowing. Popcorn would be found for days afterwards, shoved behind couch cushions, hidden under the rug. Dad would get so riled and Mom would just giggle and shake her head... then Jody would start eating it.

"Lisa from your dance class said you guys would spend hours choreographing moves and performing these recitals for your parents. And Jake from Graphics said you used to read books and then redesign their covers. And-"

"That's enough Dale." Far out. Had he been playing reporter all day?

"Don't you see, Nicky? You're brilliant."

I think about all the covers I had spent hours designing on photoshop. It's what I wanted to do with my life, become a graphic designer and work for authors all over the globe. I used to spend hours in bookstores studying covers, pointing out things I liked and would have done differently to anyone who would listen. My mother used to accuse me of being obsessed. I used to pin my designs up all over my walls.

The summer after Jody died, I ripped them all down and threw them away.

I lick my lips and look to the ceiling.

Shaking my head, I sigh. "When Jody died my whole family shut down. We had nothing to say to each other."

I could hardly tell them the truth about that day. I swallow and shoot a nervous glance at Dale. Thankfully he can't see me.

"I didn't know what to do. I was so lost and when I got to high school, Brad Schuman noticed me. He thought I was cute... or vulnerable, I don't know. When he started flirting with me, I couldn't resist. He was the first person to talk to me and not follow it up with some sympathetic look or awkward hug. He pulled me into his life and just made me forget about everything. Once I slept with Chris all the girls thought I was cool and all the guys thought I was easy. It was a done deal after that." I grimace at the memories. “Before this happened, I would have sworn I'd be lost without them."

"Pretty big wake up call, huh?"

I turn back to look at him.

"Anything like yours?"

He wrinkles his nose.

"Come on. What were you like before the scars?"

Dale's laugh is cold and hard.

"Awful. I was a little shit." He swallows. "My mom was sixteen when she had my sister. It was pretty bad. Dad was a senior heading off to seminary and they made a mistake. Mom was whisked away to live with her grandparents and they never thought they'd see each other again. Ten years later they bumped into each other and got married before anyone could stop them... and then I came along.

“They had so much to prove. So many people against them. I think they were just afraid that if they weren't super strict that Rachel and I would make the same mistakes."

He sighs.

"Rachel didn't care, she was such a good kid and loved following the rules. I felt suffocated. When I turned thirteen I started hanging out with the bad kids at school, just to stress my mom out. They didn't know what to do with me."

He starts picking at a thread on the pocket of his jeans.

"I was thirteen when I started smoking, a few months later I picked up alcohol and then came the joy riding. We'd break into really nice cars and drive as fast as we could around the back roads. Then we'd ditch them in the woods and run home laughing. It was a rush. We nearly got caught by the cops a couple of times."

His face bunches with pain as he goes quiet.

"What?" I touch his frown lines, trying to smooth them away. He looks at me, his eyes filling with a sorrow he'll never fully be rid of. He closes his eyes and sighs.

"I wasn't driving the night of the accident. I was squished into the back seat with two other guys. I don't know what happened. We hit something and tumbled down a hill. The guy next to me went straight through the windshield. It took an hour for the driver to die and then another two before the guy next to him stopped moaning. I don't know when Hugh died. He was in the seat across from me and spent about an hour screaming that his leg hurt. I couldn't do anything. I was pi

I blink at tears as I listen to his story. His voice is detached as he runs through the rest of the details.

"Eventually it got really, really quiet. I knew it was only a matter of time before I joined these guys and I knew I deserved to go to hell. I don't know why, but I just started talking out loud. I wanted to live, so I started pleading."

"With who?"

"God." A gentle smile crosses his face. "I told him if I survived this I would make it worth his while. I'd stop wasting the life he'd given me and start using it for good."

He looks serious as he nods.

"I think about it every day... and every day it motivates me."

I thought I liked him before this story, now he's moved up another few notches and all I want to do is be close to him. I shuffle to his side, wanting to curl into his arms, but knowing I can't. I rest my knee against his leg.

"Your parents don't seem so strict now."

"I wasn't the only one who needed to change. Mom quit work and home schooled me while I recovered. She helped me with my physical therapy and made me do all my exercises, kept telling me if I ever wanted to play the drums or be able to carry my wife across the threshold, I better get my shoulder working." He chuckles. "Dad gave up being a minister and we moved up here. They wanted to take me away from my old life, start afresh."

He glances at me.

"He took up counselling and mom decided to stay at home and care for me. We set some new ground rules and one of them was honesty. Every time I feel a little suffocated, I tell them and every time they think I'm slipping back they reel me in. It's been working okay so far... and ending home schooling probably averted World War Three."

"It must have been hard for you, coming into a school in your junior year, halfway through."

"It wasn't easy, but it was better than being home and telling my mother I was suffocating every day."

"I wish I could talk to my parents like that."

"Well, when you make it out of this, you should start."

"If I make it out."

He looks at me.

"You will. This will be your second chance... just like mine. All you have to decide now is what you want to do with it." He gives me a gentle smile. "What do you want?"

"I don't know," I whisper back.

Dale's smile is sad, but he nods anyway. Stretching out his arm, he beckons me to lie on his shoulder.

My hesitation is brief and I'm eventually snuggling into his firm chest. I run my hand over his shirt and he shivers. I wish I could feel him. I have to concentrate really hard to hover on his shoulder. Every time my mind starts wandering I feel my head melting into him.

We lie in silence for a while. Me concentrating. Dale dropping into a light slumber. The night has set in. I can feel an odd coldness creeping into my bones. I inch closer to him, wishing I was snuggled beneath the covers, wrapped in his arms. I glance at Dale. His eyes are closed. I wonder what it would be like to sleep next to him all night.

I'd never done that with a guy, lain beside him, just cuddling.

"Are you a virgin?"

Dale opens his eyes and sighs.

"I wish I could say yes."

"Me too."

The answer comes so swiftly, I know it must be true. I frown.