Lovely Vicious

“Hitting inanimate objects now? Your violence knows no bounds,” A bored voice says. I don’t even have to turn around to know how it belongs to.

“Jackoff!” I slap the bench harder. “Weren’t you being paid to bed a girl tonight? Where is she? Did you bring her?”

“She canceled. Her father had a stroke.”

“Poor guy. Probably will have another stroke when he finds out the money he sends her for college goes to blow and hookers.”

“I’m not a hooker.”

“Come! Come sit by me. It’s a nice bench. Nice and lovely on the butt.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Yeah, and you’re ugly, but do I complain about it? No! Because I don’t complain about things that I can’t change. That’s called intelligence. How’d you find the party, anyway?”

“I remember Kayla squeaking to me about it earlier today. And I saw you with the red cups, and put two and two together.”

“Wow. So smart. So intelligence. Why aren’t you drinking?”

“I like to keep my wits on me at all times. Drinking makes people sloppy.”

“Wouldn’t want anyone to see the mighty Jack Hunter being sloppy.”

“You reek of rum.” He sits by me and sniffs the air.

“It’s a good thing I am not a sexy-ass pirate, otherwise I’d repeat the same line to you over and over about the rum being gone and make a movie out of it.”

“You like Joh

“Like him? The man is my dreamboat on my dream car in my dream house in my actual dreams!”

Jack’s lips crumple into a half-sneer, half-incredulous scoff. “Riiight.”

“Ah, what do you know about sexy?” I sputter and wave him off. “You know nuthin’.”

“I know some things, I like to think.”

“Yeah? Don’t tell me - sappy compliments are your idea of sexy. You just lay ‘em on thick and hope some girl – I’m sorry, your client - is stupid enough to buy them.”

“Most of my clients are fairly stupid. And shallow. It’s sort of inevitable when you work for a Club that hires you for your looks.”

He sounds tired; that exhausted, world-weary edge in his voice. I lean against his back. His spine is rigid, his shoulder blades a comforting sort of hardness on my own.

“D…Did you at least get to use the rope?” I hiccup.

“Not at all.”

“Dang. Must’ve been some nice rope, since she was rich. Like, golden and shit, with gold threads, and like, sapphires in the knots.”

Maybe I’m so drunk I hallucinate, but I swear I feel him laugh, the rumbling vibrating through his back and the sound clear. But it’s quickly swallowed up by the music before I can concentrate through the drunk stupor and determine if it was an actual laugh, or just another angry scoff. The garden is quieter, people making out behind bushes. I point at the slightly-yellow fountain.

“Somebody peed.”

“I’d bet money it was you.”

“I wish! How awesome would it be to pee in that thing! Us girls don’t have the luxury of a portable piss-tube, okay? We can only pee on things we can squat on. A fountain is not one of said things.”

“With your pig-headed stubbor

“Absolutely. I’m go

I stand a little too fast, wobbling on my feet. Jack grabs my wrist, pulling me back to the safety of the bench, but when I collapse backwards on it I sit slightly on his knee. I squeal and reposition quickly.

“Phew! That was almost a disaster. Dis-ASSter. Get it? I’m so good.”

“You’re so drunk,” He insists.

“You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.”

The fountain burbles, and somewhere a cricket starts up his high-pitched engine legs.

“I wanted to thank you.” I squint hard at Jack’s face.

“For putting you in your place, you little hellion?”

“I don’t even know what hellion means. Where do you get all these words? You’re like that one nerdy dude they put on Jeopardy all the time. Minus the neckbeard. And the English degree.”

“It’s like, a crazy girl. An insane sort of…tornado type of person. Someone who just tears through people like paper in his or her madness.”

“Oh. Yup. Cool that they made an entire word just to describe me.”

“It’s Shakespearian.”

“He had a vision. Of me. A million years in the future. And that caused him to make up that word. Little known fact.”

Somewhere someone breaks something made of glass and yells ‘oh shit’. I see Kayla rush upstairs through the windows with a broom and dustpan.

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted –” I start again. “I wanted to thank you.”

“For what, exactly? I thought you hate me.”

“Oh, I do! But I still owe you a thanks. You…it’s hard to explain, but I never thought, um. I never thought. It’s, when you’re someone like me, you don’t think it’ll ever happen to you. I just sort of gave up on it, you know? I was happy with never getting one, because people like me don’t get them, or deserve them, really. We’re not the sort of people those things happen to.”

“What on earth are you talking about?” He narrows his eyes.

“I just!” I shout, then whisper. “I just wanted to say. Um. Thank you. For. Um. Kissing me.”

He arches a brow. “That was a joke kiss. You were a

“Oh, I know! I think we, uh previously discussed that actually. No, I mean, I know. It was, haha, definitely a joke! Just. Thank you anyway.”

Jack goes very still, and then looks at me like he’s seeing me in a new light all of a sudden.

“Do you mean – you’ve never – that was your first kiss?”

“Haha. I mean, it’ll be my last, too, since, you know, people like me don’t get kissed, except when it’s a joke of course. Haha. But it was, uh, an experience. And. And I’m happy it happened to me, since I never thought someone would ever want to do something like that with me. So. Um. Yeah. Thank you. I mean it.”

“You’ve never - ”

“No! But that’s not really weird for someone like me, I mean, look at me!” I gesture to my clothes and face. “I’m not uh, you know, Kayla. I’m not even close. And plus I have too many huge dumb issues. I’m never go

Jack’s blue eyes are shocked, or maybe I’m just really drunk.

“But you’re so –” He starts.

“Loud? A

“I was going to say,” Jack says sharply. “Confident. Charismatic. And cheerful. You’re like – it just seems like a lot of guys would’ve gravitated to – I don’t know.”

“There you go again with the really gross flattery. I’m not a client, okay? So you don’t have to flatter me when you don’t mean it.”

“I mean it. I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

“Except when you’re working.”

“But I’m not working now. There is no girl I’m being paid to woo here, so what I’m saying is honest and true.”

“Well, apparently you haven’t quite flipped the correct switches from work back to your normal life, so. It’s okay. The compliments are nice, even if you don’t mean them.”

“I mean them, alright? Stop questioning my sincerity!”

“Stop saying lies,” I sigh. “I’m none of those nice things you just said. But it’s okay. I can pretend.”

He rubs his forehead. “God, you’re infuriating.”

“Ooh, that’s another good adjective to add to my list!”

“If I had known –” He runs his hand through his hair, but it flops back down to shade his eyes. “If I had known I wouldn’t have done it. A first kiss…that’s something a girl should cherish. It’s something you should share with someone you really love. You shouldn’t lose it in a petty high school battle of wills to someone you hate.”

“Yeah, well. Never go

“You’re so sure of that, aren’t you?”