Killing Sarai

He smiles at me.

We have the same smile, too. I remember our father telling me this.

“Yes,” I say about the house, “I thought it was time I slept in something more upscale. I hoped I might get to stay here for a while.”

“Has that changed?” he asks curiously, having reason to believe that judging by my tone.

“Unfortunately.”

I gesture toward the living room. “Let’s sit down,” I say and he follows. “We have a lot to discuss.”

He takes the chair next to the marble side-table.

I remain standing.

I sense that he wonders why I don’t sit down as well, but the curiosity disappears from his eyes and is replaced with attention when I begin.

“Niklas,” I say, “last year on my mission to Budapest, I wasn’t being entirely honest with you.”

Niklas laughs lightly, adjusting his back against the chair. He props his left ankle on top of his right knee and interlocks his fingers in front of him, his elbows propped on the chair arms.

“Well, that wouldn’t be the first time,” he says, still smiling as if this is any other casual conversation between two brothers. “You never were one to tell even me your secrets.”

“I went to see our father,” I a

The smile drops from his face. He turns his chin slightly at an angle, clearly confused by my admission.

“He sent for me,” I add.

“What for? Why would he send for you, Victor? After all those years of never seeing him once, why would he send for you and not me?”

I don’t answer. I find it more difficult to tell him the truth than I imagined it would be. I always knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

“Victor?” Niklas’ eyes are filled with concern and…pain.

He stands up from the chair.

“Just tell me, brother, please.”

I swallow hard and take a steady breath.

“Niklas,” I finally go on, “your mother was eliminated by the Order because proof was found that she was selling information. You already know this.” He nods. “But after that, because she was your mother, the Order could not trust you. Even Vo

He continues to listen, his face shadowed more and more by pain and rejection. And it kills me inside to see it.

“I went to Budapest to meet with him,” I say and can no longer look at my brother. “He spoke with Vo

Niklas’ head snaps around.

I meet his eyes.

“Vo

Niklas can hardly get his thoughts together. He can barely speak, but finally manages and when he does, it hurts my heart as much as his expression continues to do.

“Father wanted you to kill me?”

“Yes,” I say gently.

He starts to pace the floor and then brings his hands up to the top of his head, pushing them roughly over his hair. He looks across at me, his eyes brimmed with tears. I have never once in our lives seen my brother cry. Never. Not even when we were children, or when his mother was killed.

I grind my jaw, forcing my own tears back. I grit my teeth so hard that I feel the pressure in my skull. But I keep a straight face, as much of one as I can manage.

“Then why didn’t you?” he lashes out. “Why am I still alive? Tell me that, Victor.” The first of his tears streams down one cheek and he reaches up instinctively to wipe it away, angry at it for betraying him. “You should’ve killed me!”

“I refused,” I say. “You were the one job I could not carry out, Niklas. And so then Father had only one thing left to do: he was going to do it himself.”

Niklas’ body freezes rigidly, more hurt by this truth than the truth before it. Another tear escapes from his eye, but this time he doesn’t have the mind to wipe it away.

“I killed him,” I finally say. “Father told me that I would have to because it was the only way he wouldn’t finish the job. So I shot him where he stood.”

He can’t look at me. I feel the conflict within him, his mind and heart trying to choose which emotions to feel and which ones to reject: his hurt for what our father did, or his love for his brother, because both are too much to take on at once.

I go on:

“Being Vo

“Full re—,” he glares at me, “full responsibility for me? What, am I a goddamned child? Everything I have done since I was seven-years old, I’ve done for the Order. I am the one of us who always did as I was told, who never questioned Vo

“You’ve been lying to Vo

“Is that what this is about?!” He points upward and then drops his hand aggressively back at his side. “Have you been testing me all this time?! That’s what you’ve been doing! Isn’t it?!”

“No,” I say. “I would never use you like that, Niklas. I killed our father to save your life. Why would I then risk your life by setting you up?”

He has no answer. He just stares at me confused and hurt and angry and not knowing what to do with any of it. He collapses back into the chair, his legs splayed out into the floor, his upper-body slouched forward resting his forehead in his hand.

“Why are you telling me this now?” he asks, raising his eyes back to me. “What made you decide that today was going to be the day you turned my life upside-down? Did you just wake up this morning and say to yourself: ‘Today I think I’ll mindfuck my brother because I have nothing better to do’?”

“I felt I owed it to you,” I say. “You should know the truth before you die.”

He looks faintly stu

His hand drops away from his forehead and he straightens his back against the chair.

“What do you mean?”

“Niklas,” I get right to it, “I know you told Javier Ruiz where I hid the girl. Where I was with the girl.”

His eyes wrinkle with confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

I walk a couple steps to my right, my hands now behind my back to appear to be resting there. My gun is hidden safely in the back of my pants.

“When you called me while I was on my way back to Tucson, you said that the time of Javier’s last known whereabouts was at three-twelve in the afternoon.” I cock my head to one side. “Why did it take you seven hours to give me this information?”

He still hasn’t flinched. I’m begi

He thinks about the question for a moment. “I called you as soon as I found out myself. Victor, you know we don’t always get that kind of information right when it occurs.”