Intermix Nation

He rolls his eyes. “Well, as long as youapprove.”

“Once we’re all back at headquarters,” shecontinues, ignoring his sarcasm, “maybe you two can give it ashot.”

“And what if I don’t want to give it a shotwith her?” he retaliates. “What if I want to give it a shot withsomeone else?”

“That’s … fine too,” she says, playing withthe tassels on the duvet. “I just want you to be happy.”

Cato grabs her chin, forcing eye contact.There’s pain in his eyes. And a deep longing that Nazirah has neverseen before – at least, not in person. “Are you really going tomake me say it?”

She tries in vain to pull her head away.“Don’t say it,” Nazirah tells him.

“I know you know,” he pleads. “If you didn’tbefore, you knew after watching that memory.”

Nazirah winces from his grip. This isn’tCato. This is a stranger, someone who has repressed his feelingsfor too long and is now on the verge of exploding. “Don’t say it!”she warns again.

“Why shouldn’t I? Afraid you might feelsomething back?”

“Stop it!”

This has to stop, now, before it’s too late.Before one of them says something they can never take back. “Irri,please,” Cato begs, ru

And there it is.

And now nothing can be the same betweenthem. Because Nazirah loves him, but she isn’t in love with him.And pretending will only hurt him more.

“Cato …”

“I love you so much.…”

“Cato …”

There are tears in her eyes. But he isn’tfocusing, isn’t listening. He is too absorbed in his own rawemotions, in bottled pain, in years of unrequited feelings to hearher now. He leans in, kissing her softly, timidly. It is grass andpeppermint and sweetness … everything she should want. But Nazirahdoesn’t want it. She doesn’t want it at all. And it breaks herheart.

Nazirah presses a firm hand to his chest,ending the kiss. Cato pulls away abruptly. “What is it?” heasks.

“You’re my best friend,” she says. “And I dolove you. I care more about you than anyone. But I can’t give youwhat you want. I’m sorry.”

Cato glares at her coldly, rising from thebed. “You are so completely fucked up,” he says. Nazirah shakilystands as well. He holds up his hands, waving them in her face.“What is it? Am I too clean for you? Not scratched enough?”

“What are you talk –”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!”he shouts. “I can’t believe you would choose him over me, with allour history!”

“I’m not choosing anyone over you!” shecries, needing for him to understand. “I just can’t be withyou!”

He’s in her face now. “Don’t lie to me,Nazirah! You know what you are? You’re a tease. I saw how you werelooking at him last night, and today. You’ve been acting weird forweeks! But I never thought you could sink so low!”

“I’m not –”

“It’s absolutely pathetic to watch,” hecontinues. “He’s using you! Are you honestly that insecure? Youonly feel like a big girl when he’s fucking you into thefloorboards?”

Nazirah slaps him across the face, so hardshe can almost hear his skin stinging. “Leave,” she says.

“With pleasure, Nation,” he spits, walkingto the door.

“And you might want to take a look atyourself before talking about users.”

Cato’s face blanches and Nazirah knowsAdamek did not lie to her. “Whatever I’ve done,” he says, “it wasonly to get my mind off of you.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“I’ve been there for you througheverything!” he lashes out. “I’ve sacrificed everything … my family… my home … my life! I would die for you, gladly, a thousand timesover! But you are selfish! You may not want to admit it toyourself, but your attraction to Morgen is there. Everyone can seeit! You’re playing with fire, Nazirah. And you’re about to getburned.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Nazirah doesn’t leave her room for threedays. She doesn’t sit on her balcony, doesn’t read. She justwallows in bed. She tries to resurrect that blissful numbness sheonce felt. But it is dead and buried. Solomon brings her tea andmeals. She barely notices.

On that first evening, Solomon gently tellsher Cato has returned to assignment a day early. She sobs into herpillow. Solomon informs everyone in the riad she’s recovering froma concussion, and needs several days’ bed rest. Nazirah isgrateful, although entirely certain no one believes him.

Solomon keeps Nazirah abreast of lifeoutside her door. Adamek’s arm is almost fully healed. Aldrik hasmet with the Red Lords. Their alliance with the rebels has beensealed. Nazirah doesn’t tell Solomon why she and Cato fought. Buthe is smart and observant and guesses for himself. He assuresNazirah that people deal with stress and jealousy differently,reassures her that Cato will come around eventually. He says thatshe has a heart of gold, which Nazirah doesn’t believe or want orneed. What she has is already too heavy.

Nazirah wants no heart at all.

She makes an appearance at breakfast on thefourth morning, showered for the first time in days. But nothingcan hide the dark circles that rim her eyes or the redness in herface.

“Look who’s finally decided to grace thecampaign with her presence,” Aldrik snaps, before returning to hismeal.

Nazirah takes her usual seat across fromAdamek, briefly glancing at his healed arm. “I was recovering,” shemutters.

“You look pretty rough,” Aldrik says.“That’s for sure.”

Solomon clears his throat loudly. “We areall very happy to see your healthy return.”

Aldrik ignores Solomon. “We’re leavingRubiyat in two days, Nation,” he grunts, “which you would know ifyou ever bothered to leave your room. We’re tying up some looseends with the Red Lords and then setting out for Shizar.”

“Is that in Zima?” she asks.

“Yes,” he grumbles. “Shizar is in Zima.” Hecoughs. “We’re staying with our ally there, Luka. Shizar is Luka’sLordship.”

“Lordship?”

“Did you never attend Territory History?”Aldrik snaps. “Ever? Or is the village idiot act not an act afterall?”

Solomon quickly intervenes. “In Zima, everyLord presides over a Lordship,” he says. “Think of it as a small,self-contained city. Zima has the harshest climate in the country.Lordships are how the citizens survive, in a sort of feudal system.Shizar is the Lordship farthest North. We are hoping you will besafest there, since the Medis have the least access to it.”

“Got it.” Nazirah sighs, remembering howdangerous the rest of campaign will be. Sulking over Cato madeNazirah temporarily forget how dead the Chancellor wants her.

Solomon suddenly claps his hands. “Thatreminds me,” he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I have aspecial a

“Tell us what?” Aldrik askssuspiciously.

“Tomorrow night,” Solomon says, “the eveningbefore you depart Rubiyat, I will be throwing a goodbye party herein your honor.” Solomon sees Aldrik’s startled face, tries toreassure him. “Do not worry, everything is already pla

Aldrik immediately starts arguing withSolomon, citing the long journey they’ll have the following morningand the potential threats to security. Solomon will hear none ofit. They begin a heated debate over the breakfast table, whichNazirah promptly ignores. Under normal circumstances, a party wouldbe nice. But she is in no mood for celebration.

Nazirah fondly remembers the parties in Rafu… a few stolen bottles of tequilux, the old boardwalk, dancing onthe beach with only the stars for chaperones. She longs forsomething like that again. But thinking of those endless nights,those sanguine mornings … it hurts too much.

“You look like shit, Nation,” Adamek saysfrom across the table, grabbing some bread.