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Ke
The will was read and it transpired that none of the relatives had been left anything at all: they had been made the victims of a practical joke. They argued with each other bitterly as they began getting ready for bed. Then, suddenly, all the lights in the house went off. By now there was a terrible storm raging outside and Fisk suggested that the generator must have broken down. Ke
Sidney said: ‘What’s he sitting out there for?’
Ke
He gave a violent sneeze, and Uncle Edward fell stiffly off the deck-chair. He was dead.
Ke
Sidney said: ‘Well if he ain’t, he’s a very heavy sleeper.’
There was a terrific thunderclap, and my mother leaned across to my father. She whispered: ‘Ted, come on, let’s go.’
My father was laughing. He said: ‘What for?’
My mother said: ‘It’s not suitable.’
Ke
There was more audience laughter as Ke
Sidney said: ‘Look, it’d be easier to bring the potting shed over to him.’
Even Grandma laughed at that. But my mother just looked at her watch again and my father, perhaps imagining that I might be frightened, ruffled my hair and laid his arm close by, so that I could take hold of it and lean against him.
Ke
Fisk said: ‘It’s only the start of it. There’ll be another one yet, mark my words.’
Sidney said: ‘Good-night, laughing boy.’
Ke
Ke
Shirley said: ‘This isn’t your room. I mean, that isn’t your luggage, is it?’
She clutched the nightgown modestly to her bosom.
Ke
He started to leave, but paused after only a few steps. He turned and saw that Shirley was still holding on to her nightgown, unsure of his intentions.
My mother stirred uneasily in her chair.
Ke
Shirley shook her head sadly and said: ‘No, I’m afraid I don’t.’
Ke
Shirley hesitated, a resolve forming within her: ‘No. Hang on.’ She gestured with her hand, urgently. ‘Turn your back a minute.’
Ke
He said: ‘J— just a minute, miss.’
My mother tried to get my father’s attention.
Ke
Shirley turned to him and said: ‘You’re sweet.’ She finished pulling her slip over her head, and started to unfasten her bra.
My mother said: ‘Come on. We’re going. It’s far too late already.’
But Grandpa and my father were both staring goggle-eyed at the screen as the beautiful Shirley Eaton took her bra off with her back to the camera, while Ke
Shirley emerged from behind my head, her body swathed in the knee-length gown, and said: ‘You can turn round now.’
My mother stood up, and the woman behind her said: ‘For Heaven’s sake sit down, can’t you.’
On the screen, I turned and looked at her. I said: ‘Cor. Very provoking.’
Shirley brushed back her hair, embarrassed.
My mother grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat. I let out a little howl of protest.
The woman behind us said: ‘Sssh!’
Grandpa said: ‘What are you doing?’
My mother said: ‘We’re leaving is what we’re doing. And you’re coming too, unless you want to walk all the way back to Birmingham.’
‘But the film hasn’t finished yet.’
Shirley and I were sitting on the double bed together. She said: ‘I’ve a proposal to make.’
Grandma said: ‘Come on then, if we’re going. We’ve got to stop somewhere for di
On the screen, I said: ‘Oh?’
Off the screen, I said: ‘Mum, I want to stay and see the end.’
‘Well you can’t.’
My father said: ‘Oh well. Looks like we’ve been given our marching orders.’
Grandpa said: ‘I’m staying put. I’m enjoying this.’
The woman behind us said: ‘Look, I’m going to call the management in a minute.’
Shirley moved closer towards me. She said: ‘Why don’t you stay here tonight? I don’t fancy spending the night alone, and we’d be company for each other.’
My mother grabbed me underneath the armpits and lifted me out of my seat, and for the second time that day I burst into tears: partly out of real distress and partly, no doubt, because of the sheer indignity of it. I hadn’t been picked up like that since I was tiny. She pushed past the other people in the row and started carrying me down the steps towards the exit.
On the screen I seemed to be uncertain how to respond to Shirley’s offer. I mumbled something but in the confusion I couldn’t hear what it was. I could see Grandma and my father following us into the aisle and Grandpa rising reluctantly from his seat. As my mother pushed open the door which led to the chill concrete stairs and the salty air, I turned and caught a last glimpse of the screen. I was leaving the room but Shirley didn’t know this because she had her back to me and was fiddling with the bed.