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the floor. My hands were encased in silk gloves until I was forced to remove
them for the feast, and my feet are snug inside new slippers. Even my legs
are bundled into thick cotton stockings. If I trip and my dress rises up,
Needle and I wanted to be sure every inch of tainted flesh was covered.
We were so careful, with my dress, with my hair—slicked into a bun
so tight it’s impossible to tell how wild my curls usually are—but all the
preparations were a waste of time. I’m still taller than every whole citizen
of Yuan. I’m still big-boned and sharp-featured, with hands too large and
lips too wide and eyes too sunken.
The common people saw me for the tainted thing I was the moment I
stepped out on the dais. They gasped. One shocked collective breath,
followed by a silence so thick and terrible I would have turned and fled if I’d
been sure where I was going.
The cheering and clapping started soon after, and Needle insisted the
people were simply surprised by how “lovely” and “exotic” I looked, but it
was too late for her kind lies to make a difference. I know the truth. My
people are horrified by their queen. Yuan has never had a tainted ruler. I
am the first, the contemptible offspring of the king’s mad second wife. Her
insanity almost cost the people their lives, and now her tainted daughter
sullies their throne.
I’m sure they’re all praying I will die before having children of my
own. As long as I’m married, the covenant will be secure. My king will be
able to remarry, and the poor noble girl forced to wed him will take on the
mantle of sacrifice.
Sacrifice. Blood and bones. That’s all I am.
The common people cheered, and the nobles have spent the feast
flattering me, but the truth is that none of them sees me as anything but a
walking dead girl. There have been queens who ruled with wisdom and
power, but none of them were tainted. Or blind. Or locked away and
hidden from the people. I will have to be truly extraordinary to lift myself
above all my failings.
“Should I have the servants bring more sweet wine?” Bo asks, laying
a hand on my wrist and letting it linger there too long.
“No, thank you.” I pull my hand away, scratching between my sticky
fingers to cover my escape.
The more wine Bo drinks, the more familiar he becomes, ensuring
that I can’t help remembering the kiss he stole when he was the first to
know I was queen. In hindsight, that kiss is nothing if not suspicious. For
twenty years, Junjie has been the most powerful man in Yuan aside from
the king. There’s nowhere left for him to rise except to the throne. He’s
already married and too old to wed me himself, but I’m sure he finds his
son an acceptable substitute.
“You are beautiful tonight,” Bo whispers, his wine and rosemary
breath warm on my cheek. “Your eyes are like springtime.”
“Thank you,” I mumble, struggling to keep my expression from going
sour. There’s nothing wrong with Bo’s lies. They’re pretty lies. Kind lies.
There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to be king, either. Someone
will be my king. It might as well be Bo. He is solicitous and flattering. Our
marriage would make his father happy, and the people relieved. It would
fulfill my duty as a daughter of the covenant, and secure the future of the
city. All good reasons to relax and let his hands linger, but for some reason
my body remains tense no matter how much wine I drink.
“May I walk you to your rooms tonight?” Bo asks, his arm snaking
around my shoulders, trapping me in my chair.
Around us, the buzzing grows hushed for a moment before resuming
at a more insistent drone. The nobles are talking about me. They’ve been
talking about me since Needle led me to my chair on the raised platform at
the center of the room. The hall eventually grew too noisy to pick out
individual words, but before it did, I heard more than enough.
Words like “large” and “mad” and “mother.” Words like “sad” and
“strange” and “frightful.”
“Would that be all right?” Bo’s fingers grip my shoulder, making my
pulse speed. I feel like a rabbit trapped beneath a falcon’s claws. Prey.
Something to be consumed.
… get her married …
… glad it’s not my son …
… an embarrassment …
The scraps of drunken conversation are arrows flying through the
roasted-duck-perfumed air, finding their marks in my heart.
I take a deep breath and remember the smell of the newly broken
ground in my healing garden. I remember the feel of the plow handles
beneath my palms, the sound of Gem’s new brace squeaking as he walks,
his gravel-and-grit voice telling stories of his tribe while we work the rocky
dirt by the Desert Gate.
Dry grass is all that’s ever grown there, and I know Junjie doubts
anything else ever will, but a patch of land is a small price to pay for an
absent queen. And why shouldn’t I be absent? It’s becoming increasingly
clear that no one intends to take me seriously. There might as well be a
stuffed toy sitting on the throne, for all the attention my advisors pay me
when I dare to speak up during their interminable meetings. There’s no
point in fighting them. I’d rather leave the ru
the other cranky old men.
And so I have my field and my Monstrous to help me tend it, and four
guards to watch over me while I work, and Junjie meets with the other
advisors and the nobles and soldiers and farmers and shopkeepers alone,
without a blind girl getting in his way.
I find the garden a more-than-satisfying use of my time. The work is
hard but simple, and Gem has proven himself capable of making the best of
his captivity. He is cordial and pleasant and appreciative of the efforts I
make on his behalf. Best of all, with Gem, I never have to worry about what
I look like.
Heard she’s hiding … sickening … underneath. The whispers grow
louder, harsher.
“Isra?”
Repulsive … never … large. My fork falls to my plate with a dull clink.
Strange … mad … u
I push my chair back, shrugging Bo’s arm from my shoulders as I
stand. If I don’t escape this room, I’m going to explode.
“Isra? Are you—?”
“I need some fresh air.” I hold out my hand, grateful when Needle’s
fingers immediately appear beneath. “I’ll be back in a moment. Have them
bring more sweet wine.”
I squeeze Needle’s hand, and she immediately sets off at a brisk but
reasonable pace, leading me down the platform steps, weaving between
the tables scattered throughout the hall.
Conversations stop as I pass by, and I swear I can feel the nobles’
eyes raking up and down my long body, clawing at my dress, hoping to
catch a glimpse of the scaled skin they’ve heard rumors about, eager for me
to do something wild and uncivilized.
I hold my head higher and press the tip of my tongue to the roof of
my mouth. I won’t cry. I won’t get angry. I won’t give them any reason to
bring up the older stories, the ones about how I abused the women sent to
care for me after my mother’s death, or the way I howled like a Monstrous
from the balcony of my tower in the middle of the night, giving the city
children nightmares.
I can’t remember that time—I was only four years old, by the
moons!—but Needle warned me that the stories live on. My people are
waiting for a reason to believe I’m still that feral creature, that girl as
tainted on the inside as on the outside.
As soon as we’re out of sight of the banquet hall, Needle begins to