From What I Remember

“I know exactly what you mean,” Manuel says. “Believe it or not, I was a teenager once.”

“Yeah, it’s not so much a teen thing with my dad. It’s just a…thing thing with him. He doesn’t talk about his past. And my grandmother died a few years ago, so there’s really no one around to tell me anything.”

“Believe me, I know how difficult Javier can be. We grew up together. There were days when he’d stop speaking to me for some stupid remark I’d made. He was always a moody bastard, but he’s got a good heart. I think Javier is probably trying to protect you.”

Manuel is trying to gauge things, figure out exactly what to say. He knows Kylie is freaking. Who wouldn’t be? This is all pretty heavy, even for me. And I don’t know the guy. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, like I’m interrupting a private moment, listening in on Kylie’s family secrets. But it also seems rude to just get up and walk away. So I stay where I am.

Kylie is still looking at Manuel, hoping he’ll confide in her. Manuel sighs audibly as he gazes at Kylie.

“I don’t know,” he says. “Maybe your dad should tell you.”

“He won’t. But maybe if you will, it’ll help me understand him better,” Kylie replies. And then adds, for good measure, “Please?” Looking up at Manuel with those big, beautiful, golden eyes.

It’s going to be hard to say no.

“Okay, I’ll tell you, but you’ve got to go slow when you talk to your dad.…”

“I promise.”

“He’s not good with the surprise attack. He shuts down.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“Hopefully, it’ll be good for both of you. Maybe it’ll get you two talking more. If nothing else, I think it’ll help you appreciate him in a different way.”

Manuel settles himself onto the couch and then launches into it. “Javier was in a horrible accident. It was almost thirty years ago, a few months after the World Cup. Mario, Javier’s father, was a truck driver. And sometimes he would bring Javier and his brother with him on long hauls. I remember your father learned to drive a truck when he was fifteen. I hated him for that. I thought he was so cool.

“That night, all three of them were in the truck and they were almost home. They’d been on the road for a couple of days. Your father was driving; he must have been around nineteen. Another car veered into his lane and Javier swerved. The truck flipped over. His father and his brother died. But Javier didn’t have a scratch on his body.”

Manuel pauses. I can see it’s still difficult for him to tell this story, even all these years later. He looks at Kylie to see if she’s okay. I’m not sure if she is or not.

“Everyone said it was a miracle that Javier survived. Like he was protected by God. But Javier was ruined by it. He felt like he killed his father and his brother. He felt responsible. And he felt guilty for surviving.”

Kylie looks stu

I can’t really imagine what she’s going through. I guess my dad’s cancer comes close, but that’s been a slow dissolve. This must feel more like being punched in the stomach. Maybe we shouldn’t have come.

“Is that when he moved away?” Kylie asks Manuel.

“Yeah. He just couldn’t take being surrounded by all the memories. He kept going over and over the accident, blaming himself. I don’t think he knew how to go on without his dad and his brother. He stopped playing soccer and worked as a bartender for a while in Rosarito. We kept in touch whenever he returned to Ensenada. Which became less and less often.

“Eventually, Javier started talking about going to America. He seemed better as he made his plans. He came to see me one night. His car was packed and he had made the decision. He was going to San Diego. After finding a job, he’d bring his mother. I promised to look after Lola while he was gone. In many ways, Lola had it worse than Javier. She lost her husband and her son. And now her only other son was moving to America. She just sat around the house knitting. I used to take her out to di

Manuel stops talking and looks away for a moment. I think he’s worried that what he’s told Kylie will upset her even more. But Kylie is poised and calm.

“Thank you, Manuel. I appreciate hearing all of this,” she says. Someone would be picking me up off the floor right about now. But Kylie’s holding it together amazingly well. I’m officially impressed.

“This is a lot to take in, no?” Manuel asks Kylie.

“Yeah. But I’m so glad you told me. It helps to know. And it explains…a lot.”

“I’m sure your dad has his reasons,” Manuel says.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“You’re okay?” Manual asks.

“I am. In some strange way, it’s a relief to find this out. At least there’s an explanation for his behavior. It gives me hope for him. For us. To be honest, I’d kind of written him off.”

“Well, then, I’m glad I told you.”

“I think I’m going to take a walk, get some air. I’ll be back in, like, fifteen minutes,” Kylie says.

“Take as long as you need. We’ll be here,” Manuel promises. “We can talk more later, if you want.”

Kylie gets up. I follow her.

“You mind if I come with?” I ask.

“Nope.”

We head out into the bright sunshine.

“You want to talk?”

“Just…walk with me. You don’t have to pretend to care about my messed-up life,” Kylie says.

“I do care.”

I mean it, which is weird because I usually don’t care all that much. I like to keep my distance, keep it light. Too much baggage messes with my game. But Kylie’s story has drawn me in, or maybe it’s Kylie. I want to know about her family, about her.

Kylie heads up a hill, past a row of earth-toned bungalows. Everyone seems to be having a backyard party. We walk along in silence for a while. I’m trying to figure out what to say that won’t sound completely stupid and insincere. So I say nothing. Brilliant.

I’m pushing to keep up as Kylie goes faster and faster. And then, near the top, Kylie collapses onto the grass. She lies there, motionless. I lie down next to her, careful not to touch her or say anything moronic. I’m never usually this self-conscious, but Kylie has me tied in knots.

“I always thought it was Jake that made him shut down. And then, maybe his mother’s death,” Kylie says. “But now I get that it was so much more. I can’t believe I had to come all the way to Ensenada to learn about my dad. I mean, it would have been nice if he could have told me himself.”

“Yeah, my dad’s not much for sharing either.”

“People say you become your parents,” Kylie says. “But I don’t want that. I mean, I love my parents, but I don’t think they’re really happy. I don’t want to shut out the world like my dad.”

“I think it’s already too late for me,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I’m not exactly good at opening up to people. I’m a lot like my dad.”

“What are you talking about? I’m the one who’s always shutting people out. You’re amazing with people. You can talk to anyone.”

“Maybe, but it’s all kind of an act. I don’t like people knowing all my shit. Except Charlie. But that’s different; we’ve known each other since nursery school.”

“Well, you’re telling me your shit now.” Kylie looks at me directly.

She’s right. I am.

We both look away. It’s too intense. I stare up at the sky. It’s a perfect, cloudless blue. I take out my phone and snap a photo of it. Maybe I’ll use it as background for something.