Fangirl

Reagan was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms. “Okay,” she said, stabbing her spoon at Cath, “now what?”

“Now what, what?” Cath said, her mouth full of grilled cheese.

“Now what with Levi?”

Cath swallowed. “Nothing. I don’t know. Do I have to know what?”

“Do you want my help with this?”

Cath looked at Reagan. Even without her makeup and hair, the girl was terrifying. There was just no fear in her. No hesitation. Talking to Reagan was like standing in front of an oncoming train.

“I don’t know what this is,” Cath said. She clenched her fists in her lap and forced herself to keep talking. “I feel like … what happened last night was just an aberration. Like it could only have happened in the middle of the night, when he and I were both really tired. Because if it had been daylight, we would have seen how inappropriate it was—”

“I already told you,” Reagan said, “he’s not my boyfriend.”

“It’s not just that.” Cath turned her face toward the wall of windows, then back at Reagan, earnestly. “It was one thing when I had a crush on him and he was totally unattainable. But I don’t think I could actually be with someone like Levi. It would be like interspecies dating.”

Reagan let her spoon drop sloppily into her cereal. “What’s wrong with Levi?”

“Nothing,” Cath said. “He’s just … not like me.”

“You mean, smart?”

“Levi’s really smart,” Cath said defensively.

“I know,” Reagan said, just as defensively.

“He’s different,” Cath said. “He’s older. He smokes. And he drinks. And he’s probably had sex. I mean, he looks like he has.”

Reagan raised her eyebrows like Cath was talking crazy. And Cath thought—not for the first time, but for the first time since last night—that Levi had probably had sex with Reagan.

“And he likes to be outside,” Cath said, just to change the subject. “And he likes animals. We don’t have anything in common.”

“You’re making him sound like he’s some rowdy mountain man who, like, smokes cigars and has sex with prostitutes.”

Cath laughed, despite herself. “Like a dangerous French fur trapper.”

“He’s just a guy,” Reagan said. “Of course he’s different from you. You’re never going to find a guy who’s exactly like you—first of all, because that guy never leaves his dorm room.…”

“Guys like Levi don’t date girls like me.”

“Again—the girl kind?”

“Guys like Levi date girls like you.”

“And what does that mean?” Reagan asked, tilting her head.

“Normal,” Cath said. “Pretty.”

Reagan rolled her eyes.

“No,” Cath said, “seriously. Look at you. You’ve got your shit together, you’re not scared of anything. I’m scared of everything. And I’m crazy. Like maybe you think I’m a little crazy, but I only ever let people see the tip of my crazy iceberg. Underneath this veneer of slightly crazy and socially inept, I’m a complete disaster.”

Reagan rolled her eyes again. Cath made a mental note to stop rolling her eyes at people.

“What would we do together?” Cath asked. “He’d want to go to the bar, and I’d want to stay home and write fanfiction.”

“I’m not going to talk you into this,” Reagan said, “especially if you’re going to be stupid. But I will say this: You’re being stupid. He already likes you. He even likes your creepy fanfiction, he won’t stop talking about it. Levi’s just a guy. A really, really good—maybe even the best—guy, and nobody’s saying you have to marry him. So stop making everything so hard, Cath. You kissed him, right? The only question is, do you want to kiss him again?”

Cath clenched her fists until her fingernails bit into her palms.

Reagan started stacking the empty dishes on her tray.

“Why did you break up?” Cath blurted.

“I kept cheating on him,” Reagan said flatly. “I’m a pretty good friend, but I’m a shitty girlfriend.”

Cath picked up her tray and followed Reagan to the trash.

*   *   *

She didn’t see Levi that night. He worked Wednesday nights. That’s when Cath realized that she knew Levi’s work schedule.

But he texted her about a party Thursday at his house. “party? thursday? my house?”

Cath didn’t text him back—she tried to. She kept starting messages and deleting them. She almost sent back just a smiley-face emoticon.

Reagan got home from work late that night and went straight to bed. Cath was at her desk, writing. “Levi killed our Outsiders quiz,” Reagan said, stifling a yawn.

Cath smiled down at her laptop. “Did you talk about me?”

“No. I didn’t think you’d want me to. I told you, I’m a pretty good friend.”

“Yeah, but you’re more Levi’s friend than mine.”

“Bros before hos,” Reagan said.

Before she left the room the next morning, Reagan asked Cath if she wanted to go to Levi’s party.

“I don’t think so,” Cath said. “I have class Friday morning at eight thirty.”

“Who registers for a class that meets Friday morning at eight thirty?”

Cath shrugged.

She didn’t want to go to Levi’s party. Even though she liked him, she didn’t like parties. And she didn’t want the first time she saw him after what had happened to be at a party. With party people. With any people.

*   *   *

Cath was pretty sure she was the only person in Pound Hall tonight. She tried to tell herself that it was kind of cool to have a twelve-story building to herself. Like being trapped in the library overnight.

This is why I can’t be with Levi. Because I’m the kind of girl who fantasizes about being trapped in a library overnight—and Levi can’t even read.

Cath immediately felt bad for thinking that. Levi could read. (Sort of.)

She’d always thought that either people could read or they couldn’t. Not this in-between thing that Levi had, where his brain could catch the words but couldn’t hold on to them. Like reading was one of those rip-off claw games they had at the bowling alley.

But Levi clearly wasn’t dumb. He remembered everything. He could quote extensively from the Simon Snow movies, and he knew everything there was to know about bison and piping plovers.… And why was she even arguing this point with herself?

It’s not like she was going to send Abel Levi’s ACT scores.

She should have texted him back. (Levi, not Abel.)

But that would have been engaging in this situation. Like moving a chess piece. Or kicking off from the ground on a teeter-totter. Better to leave Levi up in the air for a day or two than to end up stuck there by herself.…

The fact that she was thinking about whatever this was in terms of playground equipment showed that she wasn’t ready for it. For him. Levi was an adult. He had a truck. And facial hair. And he’d slept with Reagan; she’d practically admitted it.

Cath didn’t want to look at a guy and picture the people he’d slept with.…

Which had never been an issue with Abel. Nothing was ever an issue with Abel. Because, she could hear Wren screaming, you didn’t like him!

Cath liked Levi. A lot. She liked looking at him. She liked listening to him—though sometimes she hated listening to him talk to other people. She hated the way he passed out smiles to everyone he met like it didn’t cost him anything, like he’d never run out. He made everything look so easy.…

Even standing. You didn’t realize how much work everyone else put into holding themselves upright until you saw Levi leaning against a wall. He looked like he was leaning on something even when he wasn’t. He made standing look like vertical lying down.

Thinking about Levi’s lazy hips and loose shoulders just dragged Cath’s memory back to her bed.

She’d spent the night with a boy. Slept with him. And never mind that that’s all they’d done, because it was still a huge deal. She wished she could talk to Wren about this.…