Fangirl

But when he found that idea, it almost always got killed. Either the client rejected it, or his boss rejected it. Or changed it. And then it was like someone had tapped straight into her dad’s heart and was draining the sap from his soul.

After they dropped Courtney off in West O, Wren slid forward in her seat and turned down the radio.

“Seat belt,” their dad said.

She sat back and buckled up again. “Is Grandma coming over tomorrow?”

“No,” he said. “She went to stay in Chicago with Aunt Ly

“We’re kids,” Wren said.

“Not anymore. You’re sophisticated young women. Nobody wants to watch you unwrap gift cards. Hey, what time is your mom coming to get you?”

Cath turned sharply to look at her sister.

Wren was already watching Cath. “Noon,” she said guardedly. “They’re having lunch at one.”

“So we’ll eat at six? Seven? Will you save some room?”

“She’s coming to get you?” Cath asked. “She’s coming to our house?”

Their dad looked strangely at Cath—then into the mirror at Wren. “I thought you guys were go

Wren rolled her eyes and looked out the window. “I knew she’d just freak out—”

“I’m not freaking out,” Cath said, feeling her eyes start to sting. “And if I am freaking out, it’s because you’re not telling me things.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Wren said. “I’ve talked to Mom a few times on the phone, and I’m going to hang out with her for a couple hours tomorrow.”

“You talk to her for the first time in ten years, and that’s not a big deal? And you call her Mom?”

“What am I supposed to call her?”

“You’re not.” Cath turned almost completely to face the backseat, straining against the seat belt. “You’re not supposed to call her.”

She felt her dad’s hand on her knee. “Cath—”

“No,” Cath said. “Not you, too. Not after everything.”

“She’s your mother,” he said.

“That’s a technicality,” Cath said. “Why is she even bothering us?”

“She wants to get to know us,” Wren answered.

“Well, that’s bloody convenient. Now that we don’t need her anymore.”

“‘Bloody’?” Wren said. “Wotcher there, Cath, you’re slipping into Snow speak.”

Cath felt tears on her cheeks. “Why do you keep doing that?”

“What?”

“Making little comments about Simon and Baz.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You were,” Cath said. “You are.”

“Whatever.”

“She left us. She didn’t love us.”

“It isn’t that simple,” Wren said, watching the buildings go by.

“It is for me.” Cath turned back around in her seat and folded her arms. Her dad’s face was red, and he was tap-tap-tapping on the steering wheel.

*   *   *

When they got home, Cath didn’t want to be the one to go upstairs. She knew that if she went upstairs, she’d just feel trapped and miserable, and like the Crazy One. Like the little kid who’d been sent to her room.

Instead she went to the kitchen. She stood next to the counter and looked out into the backyard. Their dad still hadn’t taken down their swing set. She wished he would; it was a death trap now, and the neighbor kids liked to sneak into the yard and play on it.

“I thought you guys were talking about all this.” He was standing behind her.

Cath shrugged.

He put his hand on her shoulder, but she didn’t turn around. “Wren’s right,” he said. “It isn’t that simple.”

“Stop,” Cath said. “Just stop, okay? I can’t believe you’re taking her side.”

“I’m on both your sides.”

“I don’t mean Wren’s side.” Cath whipped around. She felt a new wave of tears. “Hers. Her side. She left you.”

“We weren’t good together, Cath.”

“Is that why she left us, too? Because we weren’t good together?”

“She needed some time. She couldn’t handle being a parent—”

“And you could?”

Cath saw the hurt in his eyes and shook her head. “I didn’t mean it that way, Dad.”

He took a deep breath. “Look,” he said, “to be honest? I don’t love this either. It would be so much easier for me if I never had to think about Laura, ever again … but she’s your mother.”

“Everybody needs to stop saying that.” Cath turned back to the window. “You don’t get to be the mother if you show up after the kids are already grown up. She’s like all those animals who show up at the end of the story to eat the Little Red Hen’s bread. Back when we needed her, she wouldn’t even return our phone calls. When we started our periods, we had to google the details. But now, after we’ve stopped missing her, after we’ve stopped crying for her—after we’ve got shit figured out—now she wants to get to know us? I don’t need a mother now, thanks. I’m good.”

Her dad laughed.

She glanced over her shoulder at him. “Why are you laughing?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “The bread thing, I think. Also … did you really google your period? You could have asked me about that—I know about periods.”

Cath exhaled. “It’s okay. We googled everything back then.”

“You don’t have to talk to her,” he said softly. “Nobody’s go

“Yeah, but Wren has already—she’s already let down the drawbridge.”

“Wren must have some shit she still needs to figure out.”

Cath clenched her fists and pushed them into her eyes. “I just … don’t like this.… I don’t like thinking about her, I don’t want to see her. I don’t want her in this house, thinking about how it used to be her house, about how we used to be hers, too.… I don’t want her brain touching us.”

Her dad pulled Cath into his arms. “I know.”

“I feel like everything’s upside down.”

He took another deep breath. “Me, too.”

“Did you freak out when she called?”

“I cried for three hours.”

“Oh, Dad…”

“Your grandmother gave her my cell phone number.”

“Have you seen her?”

“No.”

Cath shuddered, and her dad squeezed her tight. “When I think about her coming here,” she said, “it’s like that scene in Fellowship of the Ring when the hobbits are hiding from the Nazgûl.”

“Your mother isn’t evil, Cath.”

“That’s just how I feel.”

He was quiet for a few seconds. “Me, too.”

*   *   *

Wren didn’t get back in time for Thanksgiving di

“I feel like if we set the table and pretend everything’s normal,” Cath said to her dad, “it’s just going to be worse.”

“Agreed,” he said.

They ate in the living room, turkey and mashed potatoes, and watched the History Cha

Baz. “Have you ever done this before?”

Simon. “Yes. No.”

“Yes or no?”

“Yes. Not like this.”

Baz. “Not with a boy?”

Simon. “Not when I really wanted it.”

—from “Shall We?” posted April 2010 by FanFixx.net author Magicath

FIFTEEN

When Cath saw it was Levi standing outside the door, she was so happy to see his always-friendly face, she just let him in. She didn’t even bother telling him that Reagan wasn’t there.

“Is Reagan here?” he asked as soon as he was in the room. Levi’s face wasn’t friendly. His forehead was furrowed, and his little bow lips were drawn tight.

“No,” Cath said. “She went out hours ago.” She didn’t add: With a giant guy named Chance who plays lots of intramural football and looks like he could play John Henry in the movie version of John Henry.

“Fuck,” Levi said, leaning back against the door. Even angry, he was a leaner.

“What’s wrong?” Cath asked. Was he finally jealous? Didn’t he know about the other guys? Cath always figured he and Reagan had an arrangement.

“She was supposed to study with me,” he said.

“Oh…,” Cath said, not understanding. “Well, you can still study here if you want.”