Forbidden

I suddenly grip the sides of the mirror for support. I am on dangerous ground – this is a train of thought I ca

But of course I know the answer already. I’ve known the answer all along. Which is why I’ve carefully avoided thinking about it until now . . . I watch the eyes of the girl in the mirror fill with tears. No, Lochie, I tell him desperately. No! Please, please. You can’t ask me for that, you can’t. I can’t do it, not without you. It’s too hard. It’s too hard. It’s too painful! I loved you too much!

Can a person as kind as Lochie ever be loved too much? Was our love really destined to cause so much unhappiness, so much destruction and despair? In the end, was it wrong after all? If I am still here, doesn’t that mean I have the chance to keep our love alive? Doesn’t that mean I still have the opportunity to make something good come out of all this rather than unending tragedy?

He gave up his life to rescue mine, to rescue the children. That was what he wanted, that was his choice, that was the price he was willing to pay for me to continue living, for me to have a life worth living. If I die too, his ultimate sacrifice will have been in vain.

I sway forward so that my forehead presses against the cold glass. I close my eyes and start to cry, silent tears tracking down my cheeks. Lochie, I can go to prison for you, I can die for you. But the one thing I know you want, I can’t do. I can’t go on living for you.

‘Maya, we need to leave. We’re going to be late!’ Kit’s voice calls up from the hall. They’re all waiting, waiting to say goodbye, to take the first step towards letting go. If I am to live, I will have to start letting go too. Let go of Lochie. How can I possibly ever do that?

I look at my face one more time. I look into the eyes Lochie used to call as blue as the ocean. Just a few moments ago I told myself that he never really knew me if he thought, even for a second, that I could survive without him. But what if I’m the one who is wrong? Lochie died to save us, to save the family, to save me. He wouldn’t have done that if he’d thought, even for a moment, that I wasn’t strong enough to go on without him. Perhaps, just perhaps, at the end of the day, he is right and I am wrong. Perhaps I never knew myself as well as he knew me.

I walk slowly towards my desk and pull open the drawer. I slide my hand under the piles of paper and close my fingers around the knife’s handle. I pick it up, its sharp edge glinting in the sun. I hold it under my jacket and go downstairs. In the kitchen, I open the cutlery drawer and place it right at the very back, out of sight. Then I push the drawer firmly closed.

A violent sob escapes me. As I press the back of my wrist against my mouth, my lips meet the cool silver. Lochan’s present to me. Now it’s my turn. Closing my eyes against the tears, I take a long, deep breath and whisper, ‘OK, I’ll try. That’s all I can promise you right now, Lochie, but I’ll try.’

As we leave the house, everyone is fussing and squabbling. Willa has lost her butterfly clip, Tiffin claims his tie is choking him, Kit complains that Willa’s moaning will make us all late . . . We file out through the broken gate and onto the street, all dressed up in the smartest clothes we have ever owned. Willa and Tiffin both want to hold my hand. Kit hangs back. I suggest he takes Willa’s so that we can swing her between us. He obliges, and as we launch her high into the air, the wind whips back her long dress, revealing a pair of bright pink knickers. As she clamours for us to do it again, Kit’s eyes meet mine with an amused smile.

We walk down the middle of the road holding hands, the pavement far too narrow for all four of us together. A warm breeze brushes across our faces, carrying the smell of honeysuckle from a front garden. The midday sun beams down from a bright blue sky, the light shimmering between the leaves, scattering us with golden confetti.

‘Hey!’ Tiffin exclaims, his voice ringing with surprise. ‘It’s nearly summer!’

Also by Tabitha Suzuma for older readers

A Note of Madness

by Tabitha Suzuma

Why is this happening to me? he asked himself desperately. What is wrong with me?

Life as a student should be good for Fly

On a good day he feels full of energy and life, but on a bad day being alive is worse than being dead. Sometimes he wants to compose and practise all night, at other times he can’t get out of bed. With the pressure of the forthcoming concert and the growing concern of his family and friends, emotions come to a head. Sometimes things can only get worse before they get better.

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A Voice in the Distance

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Every thought hurts like hell. Everything you see is awful, twisted, pointless. And the worst – the worst of it is yourself.

Star pianist Fly

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fromwhere i Stand

tabitha suzuma

Raven is a deeply disturbed teenager. After witnessing the death of his mother and living in a children’s home, he’s now been placed in foster care.

His new family, the Russells, do their best to earn his trust but it’s going to take a long time.

Meanwhile, at school, bullies are making Raven’s life a living hell. And then an unexpected saviour comes in the form of Lotte, a classmate bored by her ‘ordinary’ friends. Together, they set out to track down Raven’s mum’s killer, in order to expose him to the police. But their carefully crafted plan goes dangerously wrong and suddenly nothing is as it seems. Everything is falling apart, and ultimately there is only one, final, way out.

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