Forbidden

She smiles in faint recollection. ‘Well, you’re unlikely to get to sleep sitting there on the floor.’ She holds out a portion of duvet again.

‘No, no, it’s fine. I’ll just stay here for a while and then go back to bed.’

With a sigh of mock-irritation, she gets out of bed, pads over and pulls me up by the wrist. ‘Come on, get in. God, you’re shaking.’

‘I’m just cold!’ I snap, my voice coming out harsher than I intended.

‘Well, come here then!’

The warmth of her duvet envelops me. She slides onto my lap and the touch of her warm skin, her arms and legs wrapped around me, forces me to begin to relax. Hugging me tight, she buries her face in my neck. ‘My God, you’re an icicle.’

I let out a strained laugh. ‘Sorry.’

For a few moments we are both quiet. Her damp breath tickles my cheek. We lie down and I feel my body gently thaw against hers as she strokes the back of my head, ru

‘Tell me.’

It’s as if she can feel the pain through my skin. ‘Nothing. Just, you know, the usual crap.’

I can tell she doesn’t believe me. ‘Listen,’ she says. ‘Remember what Willa said the other day? We’re the grown-ups. We’ve always shared the responsibilities. You don’t have to start trying to shield me from reality now.’

I press my mouth against her shoulder and close my eyes. I’m afraid of worrying her, afraid of telling her how torn up I feel inside.

‘You think you can do the worrying for the both of us,’ she whispers. ‘But it doesn’t work like that, Loch. Not in an equal relationship. And that’s what ours is. That’s what we’ve always had. Our relationship may be changing in some ways, but we can’t possibly lose what we had before.’

I exhale slowly. Everything she says makes sense. In every way imaginable she is so much wiser than me.

Blowing into my ear, she tickles me. ‘Hey, have you fallen asleep?’

I smile slightly. ‘No, I’m thinking.’

‘Of what, my love?’

A small aftershock runs through me. My love. She has never called me that before. Yet that’s who we’ve become. Two people in love.

‘What happened with Willa . . .’ I begin unsteadily. ‘That must have given you a fright.’

‘I think it gave us both a fright.’

Unspoken words hover in the air between us.

‘Maya, you know, I – I really did pull her arm quite hard. It’s – it’s no wonder she fell,’ I manage in a frantic rush.

She lifts her head from my chest and props it up on one hand, her face turning white in the moonlight. ‘Lochie, did you mean to pull her off the counter?’

‘No.’

‘Did you mean to hurt her?’

‘Course not.’

‘Did you mean to dislocate her shoulder?’

‘No!’

‘OK,’ she says gently, stroking my face. ‘Then that train of thought leads nowhere. It was a complete accident. Don’t let that stupid woman at the hospital make you doubt that for one tiny second!’

Tears of relief threaten to overwhelm me. I didn’t think she blamed me, but I couldn’t be sure. I take a deep breath. ‘But now Social Services have got us on their radar – Jesus!’

‘Then we’ll just have to keep beneath it, same as always.’ Maya pulls herself up onto her elbow, looking down at me. Her hair partly obscures her face and I ca

I nod slowly against the pillow and reach up to stroke her cheek. Maya circles my wrist with her hand and gently kisses each finger. My hand slides down her neck, her chest, comes to rest against her breast . . . Suddenly I can feel my heart.

Maya is watching me intently, her eyes very bright in the shadows. I can hear my breath, hot and heavy, suddenly acutely aware that all that separates our two bodies is a cotton nightie, a thin T-shirt and underwear. I run my hand down her ribs, across her stomach, towards her bare thigh. Maya leans forward. Taking the bottom of my T-shirt in her hands, she begins to raise it, slowly pulling it up and over my head. She then reaches down and pulls off her nightie. I emit a ragged gasp. Her body is perfectly white, in sharp contrast to her hair, almost fiery in the moonlight. Her lips are a dark pink, her cheeks lightly flushed, and her eyes bluer than the sea – watchful, uncertain. The colours and contrasts overwhelm me. My gaze travels down over her, taking in the upward curve of her breasts, the taut skin of her stomach, the long slender legs. I could stare at her for ever. I can make out the ridge of her collarbone, the peaks of her hips. Her skin looks so smooth I long to kiss it. I want to feel every part of her but my hands tighten against the sheet.

‘We can touch each other,’ Maya whispers. ‘Just touch each other. There’s no law against that.’

Reaching out, she gently runs her finger up my stomach, across my chest and into the curve of my neck; cupping my cheek in her hand, she leans forward to kiss me. I close my eyes, and with trembling hands, stroke her neck, her shoulders, her breasts. Circling her with my arms, I pull her gently back down against the pillows and slowly, tentatively, as if afraid of hurting her, begin to trace my fingers down her body . . .

I awake with a start to find myself alone in Maya’s bed, but the house around me is silent. A scrap of paper bearing my name is left beside me on the floor. After reading it, I fall back against the pillows, staring up at the cracked ceiling. Last night feels like a dream. I can’t believe we spent it together, naked, our hands stroking each other’s bodies; can’t believe I actually felt her naked form press against mine. At first I was scared we might get carried away – might cross that final, forbidden barrier, but just touching each other was so incredible, so powerful, so thrilling, it took my breath away. I wanted more, of course I wanted more, but I knew that, for now, this would have to be enough.

I am jolted out of my reverie by the slam of the front door, the sound of a school bag being dropped to the floor, followed by softly creaking footsteps on the stairs. The bedroom door inches open, and I pull myself up against the headboard as Maya’s face breaks into a smile. ‘You’re awake!’

She bounds over to the window and throws open the curtains, and I rub my eyes against the bright morning light. I yawn and stretch, waving the note she left me.

‘Maya, what were you thinking? We can’t just skip school.’ The reproach in my voice fades as she jumps onto the bed beside me and gives me a cold kiss.

‘Eek, you’re freezing.’

She collapses beside me, the back of her head hitting the wall with a thud, squashing my legs with hers. ‘You didn’t have anything important on today, did you?’

‘I don’t think so . . .’

‘Good, well, me neither.’

I take in her flushed face, the wisps of hair framing her face, her school uniform. ‘You pretended to the others you were going to school and then just came home again?’

‘Yes – as soon as I saw Kit go through the gates, I turned back! You didn’t think I was go

Shaking my head, I raise my hand to my mouth and yawn again. ‘I don’t think so. How come I didn’t hear the alarm?’

‘I turned it off.’

‘Why?’

‘You were sleeping so deeply, Loch. You’ve been looking so knackered. I just couldn’t bear to wake you—’

I start to smile, blinking at her sleepily. ‘I’m not complaining.’

‘Really?’ I watch her face light up. ‘We have the whole day to ourselves!’ She gazes up at the ceiling in delight. ‘I’m going to get changed, and then I thought we could make pancakes and then we could go for a walk and then—’