Forbidden

I find myself thinking back to Francie’s comment. A kissable mouth . . . What does that mean exactly? At the time I thought it was fu

He shifts slightly, his arm sliding up my ribcage. I can feel his sweaty warmth against my side. The way his nostrils contract slightly each time he inhales reminds me of the tenuous, precarious hold we all have on life. Asleep, he looks so vulnerable it frightens me.

There are shouts, yelps from downstairs. Thundering feet on the stairs. A loud bang against the door. Tiffin’s unmistakable, over-excited voice yelling, ‘Homey! Homey!’

Lochan’s arm contracts and he opens his eyes with a start. For a long moment he just stares at me, emerald irises flecked with blue, his face very still. Then his expression begins to change.

‘What – what’s going on?’

I smile at the blurriness of his speech. ‘Nothing. I’m stuck.’

He glances down at his arm, still slung across my chest, and retracts it quickly, struggling to sit up.

‘Why are you—? What on earth are you doing here?’ He looks disorientated and slightly panicked for a moment, tousled hair hanging in his eyes, face hazy with sleep. The imprint of the pillow has left scarlet indentations across his cheek.

‘We were talking late last night, remember?’ I don’t want to mention the fight, or its aftermath. ‘I guess we both just crashed out.’ I pull myself up against the head-board, curl my legs up beneath me and stretch. ‘I haven’t been able to move for the last fifteen minutes because you were half crushing me.’

He has retreated to the far end of the bed, leaning against the wall, dropping his head back with a thud. He closes his eyes for a moment. ‘I feel rough,’ he murmurs as if to himself, hugging his knees, his torso limp and yielding.

Concern grips me: it’s not like Lochan to complain. ‘Where does it hurt?’

He releases his breath with a ghost of smile. ‘Everywhere.’

The smile fades when I don’t return it and he holds me with his gaze, eyes heavy with sadness. ‘Today’s Saturday, right?’

‘Yes, but everything’s fine. Mum’s up – I heard her voice a few minutes ago. And Kit’s up too. It sounds like they’re all downstairs having breakfast or brunch or something.’

‘Oh. OK. Good.’ Lochan sighs in relief and closes his eyes again. I don’t like the way he is talking, sitting, behaving. He seems helpless somehow, in pain and utterly defeated. There is a long silence. He doesn’t open his eyes.

‘Lochie?’ I venture softly.

‘Yeah.’ He looks at me with a start and blinks rapidly as if attempting to engage his brain.

‘Stay here while I get you some coffee and painkillers, OK?’

‘No, no . . .’ He catches me by the wrist to restrain me. ‘I’m fine. I’ll wake up properly once I’ve had a shower.’

‘OK. There’s paracetamol in the bathroom cabinet.’

He gazes blankly at me. ‘Right,’ he says dully.

Nothing happens. He doesn’t move. I begin to feel uneasy.

‘You’re not looking too good, you know,’ I inform him gently. ‘How about you get back into bed for a bit and I’ll bring you breakfast?’

He turns his head to look at me again. ‘No – seriously, Maya, I’m fine. Just give me a minute, OK?’

The unspoken rule in our family is that Lochan is never ill. Even last winter, when he had flu and a high temperature, he insisted he was well enough to do the school run.

‘Then I’m going to get you some coffee,’ I declare abruptly, jumping up from the bed. ‘Go and have a hot shower and—’

He stops me, catching my hand before I reach the door. ‘Maya . . .’

I turn, tightening my fingers around his. ‘What?’

His jaw tenses and I see him swallow. His eyes seem to be searching mine, hoping for something – a sign of understanding perhaps. ‘I can’t – I really don’t think I can—’ He breaks off, breathing deeply. I wait. ‘I don’t think I’ve got the energy to do the whole family meal thing today.’ He pulls an apologetic face.

‘Well, of course I’ll do it, you silly!’ I think for a moment and begin to smile. ‘Hey, I’ve got an even better idea.’

‘What?’ He looks hopeful suddenly.

I grin. ‘I’ll get rid of them all – you’ll see.’

I stand in the doorway for a moment, soaking up the chaos. They are seated around the kitchen table, a mess of Coco Pops, Coke cans, Jaffa Cakes and crisps strewn out in front of them. Mum must have sent Tiffin to the corner shop when she discovered only muesli and brown bread for breakfast. But at least she’s up before noon, albeit still in her sleazy pink dressing gown, her blonde hair uncombed, great bags beneath her bloodshot eyes. Judging by the ashtray, she has already been through half a packet of cigarettes, but despite her appearance, she seems surprisingly spry and perky, helped no doubt by the shot of whisky I can smell in her coffee.

‘Princess!’ She holds out her arms. ‘You look like an angel in that dress.’

‘Mum, this is the same nightie I’ve been wearing for the last four years,’ I inform her with a sigh.

Mum just smiles complacently, my words barely registering, but Kit chuckles through a mouthful of Coco Pops, showering the table. I’m relieved to see that he looks none the worse for his run-in with Lochan last night. Beside him, Tiffin is trying to juggle with three oranges from the fruit bowl, his sugar levels clearly sky-high. Willa is talking rapidly and indistinctly, her mouth crammed to capacity, chocolate smeared across her chin. I make some coffee, retrieve the muesli from the cupboard and start slicing the bread on the sideboard.

‘Wa

‘No thanks, Tiff. And I think you’ve probably had enough chocolate for today. Remember what happens when you have too much sugar?’

‘I get sent to the head,’ Tiffin responds automatically. ‘But I ain’t at school now.’

‘I’m not at school now,’ I correct him. ‘Hey, guess what, I’ve had a really good idea for a family day out!’

‘Oh, how lovely!’ Mum exclaims eagerly. ‘Where are you going to take them?’

‘Actually I was thinking of a day out with the whole family,’ I continue jovially, careful to keep the edge out of my voice. ‘And we’d definitely want you to come too, Mum!’

Kit glances up at me with dark, mistrustful eyes, snorting in derision. ‘Yeah, let’s go to the seaside or something and have a fucking picnic and pretend we’re just one big happy family.’

‘Where, where?’ Tiffin shouts.

‘Well, I was thinking we could all go to—’

‘The zoo, the zoo!’ Willa cries, practically falling off her chair in excitement.

‘No, the park!’ Tiffin counters. ‘We can play three-aside football.’

‘How about the bowling alley?’ Kit suggests unexpectedly. ‘They have arcade games there.’

I smile indulgently. ‘We might be able to do all three. There’s a massive fairground that’s just opened in Battersea Park – there’s a zoo on the other side of the park, and I think the fairground even has arcade games, Kit.’

A flicker of interest registers in his eyes.

‘Mum, will you buy me candyfloss?’ Tiffin yells.

‘And me, and me!’ Willa shrieks.

Mum smiles wanly. ‘A day out with all my bu

‘But you’ll all have to get ready double quick,’ I warn. ‘It’s almost noon.’

‘Mum, come on!’ Tiffin yells at her. ‘You gotta put on all your make-up and get dressed right now!’

‘Just one last ciggie . . .’

But Tiffin and Willa have already gone tearing out of the room to put on their coats and shoes. Even Kit has swung his feet off the table.

‘Is Lochan coming on this little jaunt?’ Mum asks me, dragging heavily on her cigarette. I notice Kit’s eyes sharpen suddenly.