Forbidden

I ignore them and keep on going, hands deep in my pockets, fighting the instinct to lengthen my stride. Like wolves, they follow the scent of fear. For a moment I think they’re going to come after me, but it’s only their laughter and obscenities that float in my wake.

My heart continues to pound as I reach the end of the high street and cross the junction, my mind ru

It is begi

‘He’s back, Lochie. He’s home.’

‘What?’

‘Kit’s back. He came through the door just this second. So you can come home. Where are you, anyway?’

‘Bentham Junction. I’ll see you in a minute.’

I return the phone to my pocket and turn round. Chest heaving, my breath coming in gasps, I watch the late-night cars flash by. Right, calm down, I tell myself. He’s home. He’s fine. But I can feel the sweat ru

I am walking too fast, breathing too fast, thinking too fast. There’s a stabbing pain in my side and my heart is pounding against my ribcage. He’s home, I keep telling myself. He’s OK – but I don’t know why I don’t feel more relieved. In fact I feel physically sick. I was so sure something bad had happened to him. Why else would he have failed to answer his phone – to call?

As I near the house, the streetlamps blur and dance, and everything feels strangely unreal. My hands are shaking so hard I can’t unlock the door: the metal keys keep slipping in my clammy fingers. I end up dropping them and lean one hand against the door to steady myself as I bend down to search. When the door suddenly opens, I stumble blindly into the brightly lit hall.

‘Hey, watch out.’ Maya’s hand steadies me.

‘Where is he?’

The sound of ca

Suddenly the compressed anger of so many months explodes through my body like molten rock. ‘Where the hell have you been?’

Spi

I lunge for the remote and snatch it from his hand, catching him unawares.

‘Give that back, you arsehole!’ He is on his feet in an instant, grabbing my arm and twisting it.

‘It’s four in the morning! What the fuck have you been doing?’

I grapple with him, trying to push him off, but he is surprisingly strong. A bolt of pain shoots up my arm from my hand to my shoulder, and the remote falls to the floor. As Kit makes a dive for it, I grab his shoulders and yank him back. He hurls himself round, and there is a blinding crack of pain as his fist makes contact with my jaw. I launch myself at him, grabbing him by the collar, losing my balance and dragging him down to the floor. My head hits the coffee table and for a moment the lights seem to go out, but then I resurface and I’ve got my hands round his throat and his face is crimson, his eyes wide and bulging. He kicks me in the stomach, again and again, but I don’t let go, I can’t let go, even when he knees me in the groin. There is someone else pulling at my hands, someone else in the way, someone shouting at me, screaming in my ear: ‘Stop it, Lochie, stop it! You’re going to kill him!’

I’ve let go, he’s got away, doubled over on hands and knees, coughing and retching, strings of saliva hanging from his mouth. Someone is restraining me from behind, pi

‘You ever touch me again and I’ll kill you.’ His voice is hoarse and rasping. I hear him leave, hear him thunder up the wooden stairs, hear the sound of a wailing child. I seem to be falling, except the carpet is solid beneath me and the cold hard wall presses against my back. Through a dim haze I see Willa wrap her legs around Maya’s waist as Maya lifts her into a hug and murmurs, ‘It’s all right, it’s all right, my love – they just had a silly argument. Everything’s fine now. Let’s go back upstairs and tuck you into bed, OK?’

They leave the room and the wails fade but continue above me, on and on and on.

My legs are unsteady as I make my way to my room. Safely inside, I sit down on the edge of the bed, elbows on knees, cupping my hands over my nose and mouth, trying to stop hyperventilating, the pain in my stomach sending small aftershocks through my body. I feel sweat ru

The knock on the door sends another jolt through my body. But it’s only Maya, looking completely wiped out as she sags against the doorframe.

‘Are you all right?’

Hands still covering my mouth, I nod, desperate for her to leave but unable to speak. She observes me soberly in the gloom, hesitates for a moment, then switches on my overhead light and comes in.

I take my hands away from my face, clenching them into fists to stop them shaking. ‘I’m fine,’ I say, my voice raw and ragged. ‘We should all just go to bed.’

‘You don’t look fine.’ She closes the door and leans against it, her eyes huge, her expression unreadable. I can’t tell if she’s angry, horrified, disgusted . . .

‘Maya, I’m sorry, I – I just lost it . . .’ A jagged pain runs through me.

‘I know, Loch, I know.’

I want to tell her just how sorry I am. I want to ask her whether Willa is OK. I want to ask her to check on Kit, make sure he’s not packing his bags and pla

Peeling herself off the door, Maya moves towards me, taking a seat beside me on the bed.

Instinctively my arm flies up to ward her off. ‘Maya, d-don’t – I don’t need—’

She takes my outstretched hand and gently pulls it onto her lap, rubbing my palm in circular motions with her thumb. ‘Try and relax.’ Her voice is gentle – too gentle. ‘It’s all right. Everyone’s OK. Willa’s gone back to sleep and Kit’s fine.’