Back to You

He turned toward her with his brow quirked. “Aren’t we supposed to be talking about you?”

When Lauren just looked at him expectantly, he sighed.

“We were dating for about six months before she got pregnant. She was twenty-one at the time, and she didn’t want to keep it.” Michael raked his teeth over his bottom lip before he said, “But I convinced her to. I didn’t ne@, and she "> shouldered something else to regret. I was twenty-four years old. Definitely old enough to face the consequences of my actions instead of taking the easy way out.”

Lauren kept her eyes on him as she took another sip of her wine.

“Obviously, she agreed to keep the baby,” he said, playing with the stem of his glass. “But that was the begi

He took another long sip before he said, “A few months later, she tells me that she’s getting back with her ex. I guess they’d rekindled their relationship while ours was going down the shitter.”

Lauren frowned, and Michael looked over at her.

“He didn’t want another man’s baby. Of course he didn’t,” he said with a hollow laugh. “I know all too well how that story ends.”

Lauren dropped her eyes, chewing on the inside of her lip.

“She tried to get an abortion, but no doctor would do it that far along in her pregnancy. So she had the baby, and she gave her to me. Signed over her rights in the hospital.”

Then he tilted his head back, draining the last of his wine before he reached for the bottle and filled his glass again.

Lauren stared at him, her throat suddenly feeling tight. She pictured him at twenty-four years old, coming home with a newborn, completely alone. No wife, no girlfriend, not even his mother to turn to for guidance. Going strictly by doctors’ advice and parenting books.

Her heart felt like it was breaking in her chest.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she felt it harden.

“Did you love her?”

Michael looked up at her. “Samantha?”

Lauren nodded.

He sighed. “Yeah. In my own way, I did. Or at least I thought I did. But after she left Erin, I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

Lauren pursed her lips, nodding slowly as she looked down. He loved Samantha. He gave himself to girls like that all the time.

But he’d walked away from her.

And suddenly, it was as raw as if it had happened yesterday.

Without warning, everything she’d been bottling for years came rushing to the surface.

She was furious.

Furious that she couldn’t have a real relationship because of him. Furious that she’d gotten in a fight with her best friend because of him. Furious that Je

And it wasn’t about closure. It wasn’t about answers. It wasn’t about getting her friend back.

It was about finally getting to stand up for herself, after all this time.

“You loved her,” she said. “She was a shitty person, and you loved her.”

He kept his eyes straight ahead, but Lauren watched his shoulders rise as he inhaled a deep breath.

“You did it over and over,” she said with paper-thin restraint. “Gave your heart to these worthless girls.” She took a breath before she said the words she’d been waiting almost nine years to say. “So what was wrong with me?”

Michael closed his eyes and dropped his head, nodding slowly. “You know, for the past few months, I’ve been going back and forth between wishing we could just have this conversation a@, and she "> shouldernd praying we never would.”

“What was wrong with me, Michael? Why did you walk away from me like that?”

She watched him put his glass of wine on the floor before pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes and rubbing roughly.

“Tell me why.”

He slid his hands down his face. “We were friends, Lauren—”

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit,” she snapped, cutting him off. He turned his head and looked up at her, startled. “We’re both adults now. You knew it was more than friendship for me. You knew I was in love with you. Anyone with eyes could see that I was.”

He looked away from her, and she could feel herself losing the hold on what little composure she had as she pushed off the floor and stood over him.

“That last day? When we were together?” she said, her voice shaking. “It was more than friendship for you too then. Even if it was just for that moment. Don’t even try to tell me it wasn’t.”

She saw a tiny muscle flex in the side of his jaw, but he still wouldn’t look at her.

“How could you just walk away like that?” she demanded. “After everything we were to each other? Why would you do that to me?”

She thought of them together in that bed. Her first time.

“I mean, was I that bad?”

“No,” he answered firmly before she’d even finished the question, whipping his head up to look at her. “Stop it. Don’t go there.”

She threw her hands in the air. “Well then give me an answer!” she shouted. “I deserve to know why you abandoned me!”

“Don’t you get it?” he said, jumping up to face her. “Don’t you get that it wasn’t about you?”

Lauren shook her head in disbelief. “Don’t give me that. I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’ve lost people in your life. But if you’re go

“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t psychoanalyze me,” he said with disgust. “You think I’m go

Lauren swooped down and grabbed her wine glass as she pushed past him. “Well, you got what you wanted Michael, so now I wish you’d just leave me the hell alone!”

She stormed into the kitchen and slammed the glass down in the sink, causing it to shatter. Before she could even check to see if she’d cut herself, she felt him grip her arm and spin her back around.

“Let me finish!” he shouted. “I wasn’t protecting myself! I was protecting you!”

Lauren was completely frozen, as much at his tone as she was at his words.

He took a breath, and although he kept his hold on her arm, when he spoke, his voice had softened significantly.

“Because if I didn’t leave, it would have ended in disaster. It always did@ad, le with me. I didn’t know how to have healthy relationships. Shit, I still don’t know if I do. And I couldn’t put you through that.”

She ripped out of his grip and took a step back, completely appalled. “So what you’re saying is you tried to avoid hurting me by hurting me?” she cried.

“I had to, Lauren! I’ve been fucking up people’s lives since the day I was born. You know that. My very existence ruined every life it touched.”

She took another small step back, folding her arms as she stood her ground. “You know I never believed that.”

“Of course you do!” he exclaimed. “You’re just another example of it!”

“But it didn’t have to be that way!” she yelled, silencing him. “You made that decision! You could have taken a chance! Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out. But maybe it would have been the best thing to happen to both of us. Did you ever think about that?”

He stared at her, saying nothing.

“And now where are we?” she said, her voice breaking. “You had a child with a woman who was a horrible excuse for a person and a mother, and I ruin every goddamn relationship I start. How was that the best decision for anybody?”

“Christ, Lauren,” he groaned, shaking his head in frustration. “You’re speaking in hindsight. Can’t you see it from my point of view? I didn’t trust myself not to screw up with you, so I had to walk away. But if I left, I’d be hurting you. It was a lose-lose for me.”