Eleanor & Park

‘Only if you close your eyes.’

‘Okay, they’re closed.’

Eleanor uncovered her face and looked in the mirror. It wasn’t as embarrassing as she thought

– because it was like looking at a different person. Someone with cheekbones and giant eyes and really wet lips. Her hair was still curly, curli-er than ever, but calmer somehow. Less deranged.

Eleanor hated it, she hated all of it.

‘Can I open my eyes?’ Park asked.

‘No.’

‘Are you crying?’

‘No.’ Of course she was. She was going to ruin her fake face, and Park’s mom was going to go back to hating her.

Park opened his eyes and sat in front of Eleanor on the vanity. ‘Is it so bad?’ he asked.

‘It’s not me.’

‘Of course it’s you.’

‘I just, I look like I’m in costume. Like I’m trying to be something that I’m not.’

Like she was trying to be pretty and popular.

It was the trying part that was so disgusting.

‘I think your hair looks really nice,’ Park said.

‘It’s not my hair.’

‘It is …’

‘I don’t want your mom to see me like this. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.’

‘Kiss me.’

‘What?’

He kissed her. Eleanor felt her shoulders fall and her stomach untwist. Then it started twisting in the other direction. She pulled away.

‘Are you kissing me because I look like someone else?’

‘You don’t look like someone else. Plus, that’s crazy.’

‘Do you like me better like this?’ she asked.

‘Because I’m never going to look like this again.’

‘I like you the same … I kind of miss your freckles.’ He rubbed her cheeks with his sleeve.

‘There,’ he said.

‘ You look like a different person,’ she said,

‘and you’re just wearing eyeliner.’

‘Do you like me better?’

She rolled her eyes, but she felt the heat in her neck. ‘You look different. You look unsettling.’

‘You look like you,’ he said. ‘You with the volume turned up.’

She looked in the mirror again.

‘The thing is,’ Park said. ‘I’m pretty sure my mom was holding back. I think she thinks this is the natural look.’

Eleanor laughed. The door to the house opened.

‘Awww, I told you guys to wait,’ his mom said. ‘Were you surprised?’

Eleanor nodded.

‘Did you cry? Oh, I miss it!’

‘Sorry if I messed it up,’ Eleanor said.

‘No mess,’ his mom said, ‘waterproof mascara and stay-put foundation.’

‘Thank you,’ Eleanor said carefully. ‘I could hardly believe the difference.’

‘I’ll make you a kit,’ his mom said. ‘These all colors I never use anyway. Here, sit down, Park.

I trim your hair while we here. Looking shaggy

…’

Eleanor sat in front of him and played Rock, Paper, Scissors on his knee. Park

She looked like a different person, and Park didn’t know if he liked it better. Or at all.

He couldn’t figure out why it upset her so much. Sometimes, it seemed like she was trying to hide everything that was pretty about her. Like she wanted to look ugly.

That was something his mother would say.

Which is why he hadn’t said it to Eleanor. (Did that count as holding back?)

He got why Eleanor tried so hard to look different. Sort of. It was because she was different –

because she wasn’t afraid to be. (Or maybe she was just more afraid of being like everyone else.) There was something really exciting about that. He liked being near that, that kind of brave and crazy.

‘Unsettling, how?’ he’d wanted to ask her.

The next morning, Park took the onyx eyeliner into the bathroom and put it on. He was messier than his mom, but he thought that might look better. More masculine.

He looked in the mirror. ‘This really make your eyes pop,’ his mom always told her custom-ers, and it was true. The eyeliner did make his eyes pop. It also made him look even less white.

Then Park did his hair like he usually did –

flared up in the middle, all messy and tall, like it was reaching for something. Usually, as soon as he did that, Park combed his hair out and down again.

Today he left it wild.

His dad flipped at breakfast. Flipped. Park tried to sneak out without seeing him, but his mom was non-negotiable about breakfast. Park hung his head over the cereal bowl.

‘What’s wrong with your hair?’ his dad asked.

‘Nothing.’

‘Wait a minute, look at me … I said look at me.’

Park lifted his head, but looked away.

‘What the fuck, Park?’

‘Jamie!’ his mother said.

‘Look at him, Mindy, he’s wearing makeup!

Are you fucking kidding me, Park?’

‘No excuse to cuss,’ his mom said. She looked nervously at Park, like maybe this was her fault. Maybe it was. Maybe she shouldn’t have tried out lipstick samples on him when he was in kindergarten. Not that he wanted to wear lipstick

…

Probably.

‘Like hell it isn’t,’ his dad roared. ‘Go wash your face, Park.’

Park stayed where he was.

‘Go wash your face. Park.’

Park took a bite of cereal.

‘Jamie …’ his mom said.

‘No, Mindy. No. I let these boys do pretty much anything they damn well please. But, no.

Park is not leaving this house looking like a girl.’

‘Plenty of guys wear makeup,’ Park said.

‘What? What are you even talking about?’

‘David Bowie,’ Park said. ‘Marc Bolan.’

‘I’m not listening to this. Wash your face.’

‘Why?’ Park pushed his fists into the table.

‘Because I said so. Because you look like a girl.’

‘So what else is new?’ Park shoved his cereal bowl away.

‘What did you say?’

‘I said, what else is new? Isn’t that what you think?’

Park felt tears on his cheeks, but he didn’t want to touch his eyes.

‘Go to school, Park,’ his mom said softly.

‘You miss your bus.’

‘Mindy …’ his dad said, just barely restrain-ing himself, ‘they’ll tear him apart.’

‘You tell me Park all grown up now, almost man, make own decisions. So let him make own decisions. Let him go.’

His dad didn’t say anything; he’d never raise his voice to Park’s mom. Park saw his opportunity and left.

He went to his own bus stop, not Eleanor’s. He wanted to deal with Steve before he saw her. If Steve was going to beat the shit out of him for this, Park would prefer that Eleanor not be in the audience.

But Steve hardly mentioned it.

‘Hey, Park, what the fuck, man, are you wearing makeup?’

‘Yeah,’ Park said, holding onto his backpack.

Everyone around Steve tittered, waiting to see what would happen next.

‘You kind of look like Ozzy, man,’ Steve said. ‘You look ready to bite the head off a fucking bat.’

Everybody laughed. Steve bared his teeth at Tina and growled, and then it was over.

When Eleanor got on the bus, she was in a good mood. ‘You’re here! I thought maybe you were sick when you weren’t at my corner.’ He looked up at her. She looked surprised, then sat down quietly and looked at her hands.

‘Do I look like one of the Solid Gold dancers?’ he asked finally, when he couldn’t take any more quiet.

‘No,’ she said, sidelong glancing, ‘you look

…’

‘Unsettling?’ he asked.

She laughed and nodded.

‘Unsettling, how?’ he asked her.

She kissed him with tongue. On the bus.

CHAPTER 36 Park

Park told Eleanor not to come over after school.

He figured he was grounded. He washed his face as soon as he got home and sent himself to his room.

His mom came in to check on him.

‘Am I grounded?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Did you have a good day at school?’

Meaning, did anyone try to flush his face down the toilet?

‘It was fine,’ he said.

A couple of kids had called Park names in the halls, but it didn’t hurt like he thought it might.

Lots of other people said he looked cool.

His mom sat on his bed. She looked like she’d had a long day. You could see her lipliner.