You Against Me

Hadn’t Mum told Ellie to shut up and stay away? And now she’d sent the lawyer out to talk to her. What the hell was that about?

He said, ‘I think the most important thing to remember, Ellie, is that you’re the expert. You were the only other person in the house when the alleged assault occurred, so you already know all the answers to any questions you’ll be asked in court. That might be a useful way of looking at it, don’t you think?’

She shrugged. She didn’t want to hear how easy it was going to be, or how she simply needed to stick to the truth. Those things wouldn’t help her at all.

‘What about if I fill you in on procedure a little bit?’ He tossed his fag end across the grass and twisted himself round to see her better, taking her silence as consent. He talked about her statement, which would be read out in court, about the witness box and how she’d have to stand in it, about the barrister and all the very easy questions he’d ask – who came back to the house, what time she went to bed, if she heard any noises in the night. As he spoke, his face faded to darkness as the sky got gloomier and the rain fell more heavily around them. It was like hearing someone talk through a fish tank. He said, ‘You simply have to repeat what you said in your statement, that you heard and saw nothing suspicious. That seems pretty straightforward. You think you can manage that?’

At the other end of the garden, through the window, she could see her father in the kitchen. He was standing by the sink looking out and his mouth was moving, like someone on TV with the sound turned down. Her mum was behind him with a pacifying hand on his shoulder. If Ellie was close enough, she’d be able to see the alarm in her mother’s eyes, her desperate need to make everything all right. Let Barry deal with it,  she’d be saying. Ellie’s feeling a bit nervous. No need for you to get involved.

She thought she’d sorted it. She thought Ellie’s words were a temporary blip, that she merely needed a talk with a professional and everything would be fine.

Stamp it out, ease it down, glue it back together.

‘It’s hard for you,’ Barry said, ‘we all see that, but it’s important for your brother that you help him. No one else can help him as much as you can.’

He was fiddling with his Zippo, ru

Ellie felt strangely calm as she turned to him. ‘I told Tom that Karyn was only fifteen.’

To her surprise, Barry smiled. ‘Is that what’s been bothering you – that Karyn wasn’t old enough to give consent?’

‘He’s going around saying he thought she was sixteen.’

Barry’s face fell into something she recognized from her father when he wanted to explain a concept she might find particularly complicated. ‘Ellie, people often forget things they’re told, especially when it’s late at night, or they’ve been drinking. It was noisy, the music was loud, it’s not impossible he didn’t even hear you.’

‘He definitely did.’

‘Well, he clearly has no recollection, so I think we can safely rule it out as a piece of evidence.’

‘You mean, let’s pretend I never said it?’

‘It wouldn’t stand up in court, Ellie. You’d get a grilling from the prosecution for no reason. Tom would simply say he didn’t remember you telling him, and anyway, unless Karyn can prove he forced himself on her the age difference is so small between them it becomes immaterial.’

There was something in his eyes, a way of looking at her blankly through a smile, as if he was adapting what she said to suit him. She hated him suddenly.

‘Karyn was really drunk,’ she said. ‘She was so drunk that when the boys carried her upstairs between them, she couldn’t even speak. Did Tom tell you that?’

The solicitor frowned. ‘Carried her?’

‘And shoved her on Tom’s bed.’

‘Do you mean the other witnesses, Freddie and James?’

‘Yeah, them. James had the stick that opens the blinds and was lifting her skirt up with it. She was completely trashed and the three of them stood around laughing and taking pictures of her on their phones.’ Ellie’s voice sounded loud – the rain didn’t dampen it, but made it ring clear. She wondered if she could be heard from the house. ‘I told them to leave her alone.’

She felt Barry tense beside her. He leaned forward and stared down at the grass, as if something amazing had appeared there.

‘Freddie and James went home, but Karyn was too drunk to move, so we left her on the bed and Tom went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.’

She wanted Barry to react. She stared at him, willing him to understand that Karyn couldn’t possibly have consented to what happened next. But instead, he turned to her, a tight smile on his face.

‘This is obviously quite an awkward situation for me,’ he said, ‘so I’m going to stop you there.’ He stood up, hands in pockets, a shadow between her and the house. ‘I don’t want to be getting information from you that could compromise your brother’s position.’

‘So I can’t talk to you?’

‘Why, was there something else?’

Her hands on her lap were startling, not quite her own, lying there so passive while her head was whirling.

‘There’s a lot more.’

‘Ellie, you told the police you saw and heard nothing all night.’

‘I didn’t want to get my brother into trouble.’

He sighed deeply. ‘Then I suggest you seek legal advice.’

‘You mean get my own lawyer?’

‘I think that would be a good idea.’

‘But you asked me to talk to you. You came out here and asked me questions.’

‘I’m your brother’s solicitor and I can’t get into any situation where it looks as if I may have advised you.’

‘So, you’re not going to do anything?’

‘I’m going to talk to your brother. Then I’m going to advise the barrister we don’t call you as a witness.’

Hot waves of fear broke in her chest. ‘You mean you don’t want me going to court in case I blurt all this out and Tom goes to jail?’

‘I mean I’m your brother’s solicitor and I have to look after his best interests. There’s no way we’ll call you to the stand under these circumstances.’

She nodded dumbly.

‘I’m going inside now, Ellie.’

She wanted to stop him, to force him to listen to the rest of it. But she didn’t move. What was the point? Instead, she watched him stride back across the grass, go through the French doors and wipe his feet on the mat.

Let’s just forget it,  Mikey had said. No more texts, no more anything.

Help me, Mikey,  she wanted to say. I’m afraid. More afraid than you’d ever believe.

And he’d take her hand and they’d fly across the rooftops and up into space and sit on some planet and watch a double sunrise or maybe a star being born or some other event that no human had ever seen, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. And she’d tell him everything.

Her mother appeared on the step. She had her gardening shoes on and the same umbrella she’d loaned to Barry. She picked her way across the grass as if the sky was about to fall on her head.

‘What did you say to him?’ she said when she got close enough. ‘He wants to talk to Tom alone in the study and even Dad’s not allowed in.’ Her eyes clutched at Ellie’s. ‘Did you tell him what you told me?’

‘It’ll be all right,’ Ellie whispered.

‘That’s not what I asked.’

‘I’m sorry, Mum, I can’t do this any more.’

Her mum called, ‘Where are you going?’ as Ellie sprinted away. ‘Come back here right now!’

Round the side of the house, through the gate and out onto the lane, kicking her way through puddles, her feet spattering mud, her legs pounding distance between her family and the world beyond them. She hadn’t run for weeks. She hadn’t moved for years, it felt. She would run for ever. Her limbs were strong and healthy. She felt like an animal. She ran and ran, past trees dripping with rain, past other people’s houses and gardens, along the muddy lane towards the town.