Notes from Underground

"Some are glad to sell their daughter, and not give her away honorably," she suddenly said.

Ah! That's what it is!

"That happens, Liza, in those cursed families where there is neither God nor love," I picked up heatedly, "and where there is no love, there is no reason. Such families do exist, it's true, but I'm not talking about them. Evidently you saw no goodness in your family, since you talk that way. You're one of the truly unfortunate ones. Hm… It all comes mainly from poverty."

"And is it any better with the masters? Honest people have good lives even in poverty."

"Hm… yes. Perhaps. Then there's this, Liza: man only likes counting his grief, he doesn't count his happiness. But if he were to count properly, he'd see that there's enough of both lots for him. Well, and what if everything goes right in the family, God blesses it, your husband turns out to be a good man, who loves you, pampers you, never leaves your side! It's good in this family! Oftentimes even half mixed with grief it's still good; and where is there no grief? Perhaps, once you get married, you'll find out for yourself. But take just the begi

"With pictures," I thought to myself, "I'll get you with these pictures!" - though, by God, I had spoken with feeling - and suddenly blushed. "What if she suddenly bursts out laughing, what will I do with myself then?" The idea infuriated me. I had indeed become excited towards the end of my speech, and now my vanity somehow suffered. The silence continued. I even wanted to nudge her.

"It's like you…" she began suddenly, and stopped.

But I already understood everything: something different was trembling in her voice now, not sharp, not rude, not unyielding as before, but something soft and bashful, so bashful that I myself felt abashed, felt guilty before her.

"What?" I asked, with tender curiosity.

"But you…"

"What?"

"It's as if you… as if it's from a book," she said, and again something like mockery suddenly sounded in her voice.

I was painfully twinged by this remark. It was not what I was expecting.

I did not even understand that she was purposely assuming a mask of mockery, that this is the usual last device of a bashful and chaste-hearted person whose soul is being rudely and importunately pried into, and who will not surrender till the last minute out of pride, and is afraid of showing any feeling before you. I should have guessed it from the very timidity with which she ventured, haltingly, upon her mockery, before she finally brought herself to express it. But I did not guess, and a wicked feeling took hold of me. "You just wait," I thought.

VII

Eh, come now, Liza, what have books got to do with it, if I myself feel vile for your sake. And not only for your sake. It all just rose up in my soul… Can it be, can it be that you don't find it vile here? No, habit evidently counts for a lot! Devil knows what habit can't make of a person. But can it be that you seriously think you'll never get old, that you'll be forever good-looking, and they'll keep you here forever and ever? It's foul enough even here, needless to say… However, this is what I can tell you about that, I mean, about your present life: granted you're young, attractive, nice, with a soul, with feelings; well, but do you know that when I came to my senses just now, I immediately felt vile for being here with you! One has to be drunk to end up here. But if you were in a different place, living as good people live, I might not just dangle after you, but simply fall in love with you, and be glad if you merely glanced at me, let alone spoke. I'd watch for you by the gate, I'd stay forever on my knees before you; I'd look upon you as my fiancee, and regard it as an honor. I wouldn't dare even think anything impure about you. While here I know I just have to whistle and, like it or not, you'll go with me, and it's no longer I who ask your will, but you mine. The merest peasant hires himself out to work - yet his bondage isn't total; besides, he knows there's a term to it. But where is your term? Just think: what is it you're giving up here? What are you putting in bondage? It's your soul, your soul, over which you have no power, that you put in bondage along with your body! You give your love to be profaned by any drunkard! Love! - but this is everything, it's a diamond, a maiden's treasure, this love! To deserve this love a man would be ready to lay down his soul, to face death. And what is the value of your love now? You're all bought, bought outright, and why try to obtain love if everything is possible without love? There's no worse offense for a girl, do you understand that? Now, I've heard that they humor you, fools that you are - they allow you to have lovers here. That's only an indulgence, only a deception, only a mockery of you, yet you believe it. What, does he really love you, this lover? I don't believe it. How can he love you, when he knows that you'll be called away from him any moment. He's a rotter in that case! Does he have even a drop of respect for you? What do you have in common with him? He's laughing at you while he steals from you - that's what his love amounts to! You can be thankful if he doesn't beat you. But maybe he does. Ask yours, if you have one: will he marry you? He'll burst out laughing in your face, if he doesn't spit, or give you a beating -and meanwhile his total worth is maybe two broken kopecks. And for the sake of what, one wonders, have you ruined your life here? For having coffee to drink, and being well fed? But what do they feed you for? Another woman, an honest one, would choke on it, because she'd know what they're feeding her for. You're in debt here, so you'll stay in debt, and you'll be in debt till the final end, till the time when the clients start spurning you. And that will come soon, don't count on your youth. It all flies by posthaste here. So they'll kick you out. And not simply kick you out, but first start picking on you long beforehand, reproaching you, abusing you - as if it wasn't you who gave her your health, destroyed your youth and soul for her in vain, but as if it was you who ruined her, beggared her, robbed her. And don't look for any support: the other girls will also attack you, to get in good with her, because everyone here is a slave and has long since lost all conscience and compassion. They're sunk in mea