Body and Soul

That stung. Maybe I wasn’t perfect yet, but I was trying. I pulled back from him, but to my surprise, he reached out and enfolded me in his arms, pulling me closer and burying his face against my neck. “I’m sorry. I just want everything to be easier, like it was before,” he whispered, his lips moving against my skin.

For some stupid reason, this sparked tears in my eyes. I gave a shaky laugh. “Who doesn’t?” I smoothed his hair down; it was softer than it looked and shorter than it had been when I’d first been forced to take real notice of him. The idea that at some point he’d gone out and gotten a haircut without my knowing made my heart ache. He had a life without me, and he would continue to once I was gone. It was ridiculous to get upset about it, and I knew that, but I couldn’t quite stop myself, either.

I blinked a bunch of times, trying to get my emotions under control, and cleared my throat. “You know, it wasn’t so great before. I was kind of a bitch sometimes, and you were hiding from everything.”

He laughed, and I felt the vibration of it beneath my hand on his back. I would miss this. I would miss him.

“It just seems harder now because we’re not used to this,” I continued, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Not used to being something other than what we were.”

“You are so damned practical,” he said with another laugh, one that held more than a little sadness. He leaned back from me without letting go and reached up to touch my face, brushing his thumb across my cheek, maybe to catch a tear that had somehow escaped. “No one would have ever guessed that before, least of all me.”

I could see the warmth in his gaze and sense the words rising up inside him, words that not a single person had ever said to me and actually meant. My mom loved that she had had someone else to blame. My dad loved that he’d had someone else to clean up his mess. My ex-boyfriend Chris had apparently loved someone else entirely.…“Don’t,” I said quickly, pushing away from him.

He frowned. “Why not?”

Because Will knew me in a way those other people hadn’t, and I might have believed him. And that seemed way too dangerous, especially now. I stepped back from him and wiped under my eyes, as though my mascara would run. “It doesn’t change anything,” I said in my haughtiest tone.

Which rolled off him like I hadn’t said anything. “If things were different…” he began.

“But they’re not,” I reminded him.

“They could be.”

He meant being Ally again for good. If we could track Erin down, if it was even possible that that arrangement could last, if I wanted to literally be someone else for the rest of my life…if, if, if…“Maybe.”

He sighed and walked a few steps away before turning back to face me. “What do you want to do?”

“What?” I asked, certain I’d heard him incorrectly.

Will gave me a look that suggested I might have suddenly developed a severe mental impairment. “I’m asking what you want to do,” he said slowly.

I stared at him, still not sure if he was being serious. He’d neverasked me that before. For all that he’d tried to avoid being a ghost-talker, with the implications that went along with it, he’d always had very definite opinions about the right and wrong thing to do in any given situation. And getting him to see things my way had usually required some form of bribery or blackmail.

“We’re ru

I didn’t know what to say. Someone thinking of me first—it was what I always tried to insist on, what I’d manipulated into existence when I could. And here Will was doing it on his own.

“If you want to let it go…let everything go, I’ll find another way to fix the Erin situation.” He grimaced, and I knew he was thinking of the Order. Who knew what it would cost him to enlist their help? But he would do it, if necessary. If I said so.

For a second, some part of me deeply wanted to say, Forget it all, forget everyone but me.If these were my last few hours, then why not spend them the way Iwanted? That was the one advantage of knowing you’re about to not exist anymore, a benefit I had not been afforded in my previous death.

We could take the Alona Dare greatest hits tour—visit all the significant places I’d be leaving behind, one last time. My bench outside our school. My former room in my mother’s house, which was now as empty as Ed’s parents’ house. Krispy Kreme. I couldn’t actually eat a doughnut, but I would be able to see them and smell them. That would be worth something, wouldn’t it?

We could listen to my favorite songs—most of which Will would probably hate—and make out on his bed—which he definitely wouldn’t hate and neither would I.

All of that…or spend more hours chasing a girl who we might not even be able to find or save. And even if we did manage to save her and I took Lily’s body back for good, I wouldn’t be me, not the me from the first eighteen years of my life.

This was not a small decision. But for now, all I had to do was decide to keep trying. And I could do that. Will deserved that much. Not to mention that I, for whatever reason, couldn’t stand the idea of seeing the disappointment on his face if I said no. It would definitely put a crimp in any potential make-out plans.

“All right, all right,” I said with a sigh. “We keep looking…as soon as we find another place to try.”

But Will didn’t move or burst into ecstatic applause at my decision. Actually, Will and “ecstatic” don’t really belong in the same sentence. Ever. Still, his lack of response left something to be desired.

“There’s no point in continuing to look,” he said warily, “if you’re not going to—”

“Don’t push me,” I snapped. “And I’m not the only one who should be thinking this through.” I stepped forward until I was inches from his face. “We’re talking permanent here. And that means more than changing hairstyles and trying new makeup. I’d be Ally Turner. I’d go to school as Ally Turner.” God save me. “I would dateas Ally Turner.” I poked my finger in his chest with those last words.

He flinched.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I backed off.

His mouth tightened, and he made an unhappy face. “Let’s just do this.”

* * *

In the absence of some other, more productive activity, we decided to go back upstairs to retrieve Ed. We would need him, most likely, if we found Erin; and besides, leaving him to sleep it off in his abandoned, bank-owned, childhood home, only to be awakened by a screaming real estate agent, who would probably call the police, seemed kind of cruel.

Unfortunately, reviving him proved beyond our capacity, even with my skills and experience in that area.

“We’re going to have to carry him,” I said, out of breath from tugging at Ed’s arm to get him to his feet. He kept flopping over like a rag doll.

“Like that’s not going to look suspicious.” Will was bent in half, hands on his knees, in the same breathless condition. Ed wasn’t a particularly big guy, but in his current boneless, drunk condition, our attempt to move him was taking a lot more effort than it would have otherwise. With my mom, I’d often given up and covered her with a blanket where she lay. Way, way easier.

I waved his concern away. “You can pull the car into the driveway, and it’ll be dark soon. Unless you’ve got a better suggestion.”

Will shook his head. “No.”

“Fine. Get his arms.”

He stepped around me to grab Ed’s wrists, and I moved to his ankles. “Ready?” I asked.

“Not really,” he muttered. “You realize this is technically kidnapping.”