Body and Soul

I winced.

“Which, trust me, would be about as much fun as it sounds—she wouldn’t be the same person you knew.” She shook her head, her new haircut framing her face until she tucked the strands back behind her ear. “You can’t preserve her as some kind of walking, talking museum exhibit. It’s not fair. To any of us.”

“So thisis your solution?” I said, gesturing at her new appearance. Even I could hear that the disgust in my voice was too much, too over the top, but I couldn’t stop.

Alona flinched but then looked up, a defensive cant to her chin. “Yeah, it is. And you know why that matters? Because for whatever reason and for however long, I am still here.” She stepped closer, staring me down, her dark eyes filled with fury and hurt. “Whether you like it or not, the light sent meback, not her.”

Her words struck like a slap, and I stepped back involuntarily.

“Is everything okay out here?” a female voice called from the house.

Startled, I looked up to see Misty on the front porch, wearing pajama bottoms and an oversized T-shirt with an image of a megaphone on it.

She frowned at us. “What are you guys doing here?”

Next to me, Alona forced a smile and waved. “We just wanted to check in with you after yesterday.”

Misty nodded warily and then tipped her head back toward the door. “Come on in.”

Pointedly avoiding even a glance in my direction, Alona started up the driveway.

I followed. “Just because the light sent you back doesn’t mean you’ve got a free pass to do whatever you want,” I said under my breath.

She ignored me and kept walking.

I should have just shut up. Some small part of me knew that. I was tired, overwhelmed, and more than a little freaked out. It was one thing for her to try to change Lily; I didn’t have to like that. But what was really bothering me was that I did. Lily had always been my friend. But justa friend, not anything more. And watching her walk up the drive a few steps ahead of me, I realized my problem wasn’t simply that Alona had changed the way Lily looked; it was that I liked the way she looked now more. She looked like Lily’s distant, more confident, more attractive cousin.

I felt like a complete shit for thinking that, disloyal to the core; and irrationally, I wanted to punish Alona for it, find some way of making her feel as bad as I did. Which was a stupid, stupid idea, but as unstoppable as a speeding car with burned-out brakes.

“You know, you can’t just use Lily to walk back into your old life. Haven’t you learned anything?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wished I could call them back.

She stopped, her shoulders stiff. Then she turned to face me with that haughty expression I recognized all too well. But what was eerie was how well it fit on this new face. This new version who was both Alona and Lily. A true Ally.

“Bye, Will,” she said with a coolness that reached into my insides. “Let me know if you buck the trend today and find out something that’s actually useful.”

Then she walked away.

Here’s the thing. I knew Will would be angry when he saw me. I’m not stupid. That’s the reason I had him meet me at Misty’s. I’d known there was a possibility he might storm off, and I didn’t want him leaving me at home…or across the street at the cemetery, as the case may be.

However, what I’d failed to estimate correctly was exactly howangry he would be. Mrs. Turner, once she’d gotten over her surprise yesterday, had been cautiously encouraging, excited to see her daughter attempting to interact again. This morning, she’d taken me to get the highlights I wanted, putting down her credit card without hesitation. Then she’d dropped me off at Misty’s house, requiring only Misty’s name and phone number in return. That was a big stretch in my freedom and could only mean she was pleased with my “progress.”

I guess I’d thought it would be the same with Will. He’d yell and kick up a fuss about the changes I’d made but eventually realize that I’d done a good thing. Lily looked better than she ever had. There could be no doubt about that. Okay, and yeah, I benefited, I suppose, but it wasn’t like it had come at her expense or anything.

And he knew that. Just as I knew he liked what I’d done but couldn’t deal with it. He was, once again, punishing me by holding me accountable for a past that wasn’t mine. Like it wasn’t hard enough to be Lily; I had to be Lily in a specific way to meet his expectations. Whatever.

Would it have killed him to admit, even grudgingly, that I looked nice? I felt my eyes well up. Being that mean was just uncalled-for and so not like him. He’d left me no choice but to walk away before he saw my reaction. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

“Are you okay?” Misty frowned down at me from the top of the porch stairs.

“I’m fine,” I said, wiping away a tear that had escaped, careful of my mascara. Despite my new look, I didn’t have any better control over the tear ducts. Lily had been and always would be faster to cry than me.

I climbed the steps, holding on to the rail, and the screech of Will’s tires on the otherwise quiet Sunday morning drew our attention momentarily back to the street.

“He’s kind of a jerk, huh?” Misty asked, cracking her toes against the floorboards, a habit that used to drive me crazy but now seemed nothing but achingly familiar.

I shrugged. “Sometimes.”

“Come on in,” she said, pulling open the screen door and leading me into the dim front hall. “You want to use the—”

Without thinking, I’d already detoured around her to the small bathroom just inside the door to grab a tissue for my stupid teary eyes.

“Oh, good, you found it.” She frowned at me.

“Sorry…My grandma’s house is set up like this,” I said. I was going to have to be more careful. I’d spent as much time at Misty’s house as at my own; probably more, actually. Remembering to pretend I was a stranger to it would be tough.

She gave me a strange look but nodded.

“This way.” She headed down the hall toward the kitchen.

I followed slowly, caught up in absorbing how little her house had changed from what I remembered. I couldn’t begin to count how many times I’d eaten di

Being here in this place from my past, one of the few left intact for me, breathing in all the same smells, a wave of longing for the familiar swept over me. Maybe it would be worth swallowing my pride, forgiving Misty, and trying to forget everything that had happened, in exchange for a small portion of the comfort and feeling of safety I’d once experienced here.

If I did that, though, I’d be doing exactly what Will accused me of—using Lily to walk back into a form of my old life. The larger question was, did I care what Will Killian thought when he so clearly did not care what I thought…about anything?

I might have gone on considering this question—and my various options—except that as soon we walked into the kitchen I received the clearest sign possible that the past was just that, and there was no going back.

Dr. E. and Kevin must have had the kids out somewhere, because the normally chaotic kitchen was quiet and empty except for a curly-haired girl standing in front of the open fridge in her pajamas, eating what appeared to be raw cookie dough from the tube with an oversized spoon.