Brain Droppings

No. I gotta get serious. Get it together. Get with the program. Get me a break, get me a job. Get a promotion, get a nice raise, get a new house, and get some respect. But if I get all of that, I can’t get real cocky. Might get someone mad who’d get on my case, get me in trouble, and then I’d get fired.

Then I’d get mad, maybe get violent, get kicked outta work. Then get discouraged, start to get desperate, get hold of some drugs, get loaded, get hooked, and get sick. Get behind in my rent, get evicted, get thrown on the street.

Maybe get mugged, get beaten, get injured, get hospitalized, get operated on, get a blood clot, get a heart attack, get the last rites, get a stroke, get a flat line, get a trip to the graveyard, and get buried in a field.

So get this. You gotta get smart, and you gotta get real. Get serious. Get home, get undressed, get in bed, get some sleep. Or you might just get fucked. Get me?

. In spite of all the wonderfully entertaining sex crimes we enjoy in this country, Americans are still a prudish lot. So now we’ve decided to use the word gender when referring to a person’s sex. Gender has been borrowed from linguistics, and will soon include other meanings: “I think he’s pervert-ed, Stan. He told me he had gender with a woodchuck.” “He’s as ugly as shit, Gloria, but the gender is strangely dark and b quite intense.” “Pull up your pants, Russell. I told you, anal gender is high-risk fun!” And, of course, that once-exciting 1960s tripod of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll has been completely euphemized. Now it’s, “gender, controlled substances, and alternative rock.” 6 If a movie is “R-rated,” it means that if you’re under sev- enteen, you have to see it with an adult: “What’s he doing, Dad?” “He’s fucking her, son.” SEX QUIZ FOR MEN: ** I. Have you ever been walking on the street toward three great-looking women who all have fabulous tits, and you don’t know which set of tits to stare at? And you only have a few seconds to decide? Thank God you can at least K study their asses while they’re walking away.

U. Did you ever see a really attractive ma

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E 0 R C E C A R L I N her crotch? And you don’t worry about anyone seeing you, 6 because they would never believe what you’re thinking? Remember, ladies, the thought most often coursing through a man’s mind is, “Boy, I’d sure like to fuck that.” 3. Have you ever been talking to a married couple you * just met, and the woman has really great tits? And you’re dying to get a really long look at them, but you can’t even 5 take a quick glance, because her husband is staring right at you? Then, when he finally looks away for an instant, do you immediately look straight at her tits, regardless of whether or not it makes her uncomfortable?

A

News note: On TV recently, a guy was complaining that « he was sexually “abused” by a female teacher when he was a boy. He said she touched him and made him touch her in their private parts. Yeah? So? Where’s the abuse? Maybe I’m twisted or something, but as a child, I would’ve been willing to kill for this kind of special attention. I’d have had my hand in the air all day long, “Teacher! I need some more of that special help!” It would have really lent a stimulating new perspective to the idea of staying after school.

I’m glad I don’t have any weird sexual fetishes. It’s hard enough just getting laid, can you imagine cruising the bars searching for a submissive, albino rubber freak who wants you to throw canteloupes at his ass and shit on his chest?

I will, however, admit to being fascinated by a strange new perversion I’ve heard of. It’s called S Et W. Apparently just as you’re about to come, your partner vomits root beer on you.

brain droppings

Actually, truth be known, my sexual fantasies are fairly prosaic: a woman takes off her dress, I fuck her, I drive home. Simple, neat, very little down side. nARRY AH QRTHAn

Men, take my advice, marry an orphan. It’s great. First of all, there are never any in-law problems. Second, there are no a

But most important, as the relationship is just begi

How late in the new year can you say “Happy New Year” and not be considered weird? Actually, the whole thing starts on December 26. If on that day you think you’re not going to see someone again until after New Year’s, you wish them, “Happy New Year.” And it’s generally all right to say “Happy New Year” right on up through New Year’s day. But after that, it begins to change a little. On January third or fourth, for instance, it still may be acceptable, but only if you haven’t

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brain droppings

;een the person since the First. And then even as late as the sixth or >eventh of January, you can still get away with it if you haven’t seen :he person for a really long time, say since Christmas. But once it starts *ettin’ into early April, if you’re still ru

IOVE HE. IOVE n Y sone

There are entirely too many love songs. I know. Society probably demands a certain number of them, but, goddamn, is this the only thing people can sing about? As far as I’m concerned, the love song category is filled. Let’s move on. There must be some other topics. Everything’s a broken heart. “Broken heart. Broken heart.” What about a broken rib cage? Hah? How would you like that? Or a ruptured spleen? You never hear a song about that. Wouldn’t you like to see some nice tall woman with long hair and big tits up there beltin’ out a song about a ruptured spleen? Or how about a nice song about a fire in a hotel? Or a guy who gets his legs caught in a threshing machine? How about someone who goes up into a hayloft and finds sixty dead Shriners? It seems to me we’re passing up a lot of subjects that would make really good songs.

WHO’STEAHWHOIl

What exactly is a “student teacher”? As I understand it, a student teacher is a person of student age who is far enough along in his education to be doing some teaching. But a “student teacher” could also be someone who simply teaches students, a student teacher. Which is what all teachers are.

Or a student teacher might be a student studying to become a teacher. Not yet a teacher, still a “student teacher.” Such a student, studying to be a teacher, could also be called a “teaching student,” which is, after all, what our original “student teacher” was: a teaching student.

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GEORGE CARL IN

Sometimes teachers, later in their careers, go back to school for further education, and once again they become students, while still remaining teachers. Well, if a younger student who is doing some teaching is a “student teacher,” then wouldn’t an older teacher who goes back to school logically be a “teacher student”? Or I guess you could call her a “student teacher,” couldn’t you? So far, that’s three different kinds of student teachers.