Brain Droppings

GEORGE CARLIN light the fire. So we’re go

“OK, next item. We’re startin’ to get some complai t from the women about dating procedures. This mainly c( ^ cerns the practice of clubbin’ the women on the head u^d draggin’ ‘em back to the cave by the hair. They would like. to i discontinue this practice, especially the hair part. It se&ms some of them go to a lot of trouble and expense to fix UD their hair for a date, and they feel the draggin’ has a nega_ tive effect on their appearance. As far as the clubbin; js concerned, they’d like to elminate that too, because ^^ happens is a lot of ‘em have an enjoyable date, and then tw $ can’t remember it in the mornin’.

“Movin’ right along. As you all know, it’s been our practice when we find a new plant that looks good to eat, we test it on the dogs to see if it’s poison. Does everyone the berries we tested last week on the big brown dog? many ate the berries simply because the dog didn’t die that ^ day? Quite a few. Well, I got bad news. The dog died last rqght. Apparently it was a slow-actin’ poison. Yes, Laszlo? You didn’t eat the berries? But this mornin’ you ate the dog. Vell, Laszlo, ya got about a week. Food chain! How many tim&s do A. I gotta tell you people? Food chain! By the way, anyone %ho’s gettin’ into that new ca

“All right, now we gotta talk about the Hated Ba%d of Enemy People Who Live in the Dark Valley. As some (of ya

brain droppings might know, they snuck into camp last night and stole a bunch of our stuff. They got those sticks we were savin’. They got the rocks we piled up near the big tree. And they also took sixteen trinkets; the ones we got in a trade with the Friendly Bent-over People from the Tall Mountain Near the Sun. I think it was them. It was either them or the Guys with the Really Big Foreheads Down by the River. Anyways, as I recall, we came off a cool two hundred animal skins for those trinkets, and frankly, the Chief and I think we got screwed. By the way, speakin’ of screwin’, they also stole several of our women last night. Along with a couple of those sensitive men we’ve been usin’ as women.

“OK, a new problem has come up that we’re go

“Then we found out some people were chewin’ on the job. Not only endangerin’ the lives of their co-hunters or co-gatherers—whatever—but also lowerin’ the amount of food we acquire, while somehow, at the same time, greatly increasin’ the rate of consumption of their own food. One of the gatherers, a short guy with bushy hair, I think it was Norris, got whacked outta his skull on leaves last week, and

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“Anyway, this new custom is quite different, and it might k come as somethin’ of a surprise to ya, so make sure you’re Or at least leanin’ on somethin’ firm. You peo dift ove C A R L I N A GEORGE he came in from gatherin’, with a grand total

a grand total of six berries and one nut. And this been out in the bushes for eight days! a<*

n v

“But now we’re ru

“So try to be aware of the signs of leaf abuse. If you’re chewin’ in the mornin’, you got a problem. If you’re chewin’ alone, you got a problem. It’s no disgrace. Get some help. Say no to leaves. ” K

“OK, now, like I said earlier, we got a new thing we’re go

Nat? Goin’ to sleep at night? Well, that’s close, Nat. That’s almost like a custom. Who else can name a custom? Killing the animals before we eat them? OK, actually, Jules, that’s more like a necessity, isn’t it? More like a necessity. Lookin’

for a custom. Another custom. Dwayne? Washin’ the rocks and dryin’ them off before you throw them at the enemy durin’ a rock fight? Is that what you been doin’, Dwayne? Really! Well, I guess that would explain the disproportion ately high number of rock injuries in your squad, wouldn’t it? ,;-:-?> ;«-. >-*.<,??, -.??.. .,

come as somethin’ of a surprise to ya, o^ ^__. sittin’ down. Or at least leanin’ on somethin’ firm. You people standin’ over near the cliff, you might wa

“Now. I want ya to remember that no matter what I say, this is go

brain droppings GEORGE CARLIN about the volcano? Hot! Right. The volcano is hot. What’s that h Dwayne? No. No way. If this idea’s go