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brain droppings
OPEN A CAN OF WORMS. Why would you have to open it? Are there really sealed cans of worms? Who sealed them? Worms are usually put in a can after it has been opened, and emptied of something else, like corn or pumpkin meat. Uncover a can of worms, maybe. But not open.
WILD AND WOOLLY. Whenever I hear something described as wild and woolly, I always wonder where the woolly part comes in. Wild I understand. But woolly? I have some sweaters that are woolly, but they’re kind of conservative. Not wild at all.
IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME. HOW can this be? Shouldn’t it be, “In the right place at the wrong time?” If a guy gets hit by a stray bullet, he is in the right place (where his day’s activities have taken him) at the wrong time (when a bullet is passing by). If it were the wrong place, the bullet wouldn’t have been there.
IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME is also questionable. Let’s say a guy wins a prize for being a bank’s millionth customer. All you really have to say is, “He was in the right place.” After all, it had to be the right time. That’s the only time they were giving away the prize. If it hadn’t been the right time, it wouldn’t have been the right place. Twenty minutes later the bank wouldn’t be “the right place” anymore. You NEVER KNOW. Not true. Sometimes you know.
You DON’T HAVE TO BE A ROCKET SCIENTIST implies that rocket scientists are somehow smart. How smart can they be? They build machines that travel thousands of miles to drop fire and radiation on people. That doesn’t sound smart to me.
GEORGE
C A R L I N
brain droppings
THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK. Sometimes in the movies 5 when the bad guy is holding a gun on the good guy, the good guy says, “It won’t work, Scarfelli. My men are right behind you with their guns drawn.” And the bad guy says “You can’t fool me, Murdoch, that’s the oldest trick in the 0 book.” Well, exactly what book are these guys talking about? Have you ever seen a book with a bunch of tricks in * it? Magic tricks maybe, but I don’t think the thing with the guns would be in there, do you? A prostitute might have a book of tricks, but once again, probably no mention of the two guys with the guns. And anyway, even if there really were a book with a lot of tricks in it, how would you know which trick was the oldest? They were all printed at the same 4 time. You’d have to say, “You can’t fool me, Murdoch, that’s the trick that appears earliest in the book.” But that’s not good movie dialogue, is it?
When they say someone is NOT GOING TO WIN ANY POPULARITY CONTESTS, what popularity contests are they talking about? I’ve never heard of these contests. Where do they have them? And who wins? Whoever is wi
You COULD HEAR A PIN DROP. Well, you can’t hear a pin drop. Not even a bowling pin. When a pin is dropping, it’s just K floating through the air. There’s very little noise. You might be able to hear a pin land but certainly not drop.
SHOUDHAVE [£-(]0 = to return somewhere Ull”|)flrk= to drive away uE’llQUE = to lose something
= to find it again U firmness P = a garment’s pockets IllQy IDUCIli “Ice cream tastes way much better than sewage.” Q lOttiQ blinCllQ: “I only slept with her once, and now I got a lotta buncha crabs. 0 IIEFy lOt “The gold-plated dildos cost a very lot more than the rubber ones.” 0 WllOlE IDllCh: “I love you a whole much.” real pr6ttl| gOOd: Tm real pretty good at math.” OEFypfElty 900(1: “But I’m very pretty good at history.” EXtFEIllEly HOt DOd: “This prune cake is extremely not bad.” “Oh, thank you. Very, very thank you!”
“I couldn’t get to sleep yesternight.”
g: “So I was real tired last morning.”
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GEORGE CARL
brain droppings
SMAVORITEIifllDAIKKS added bonus exactly right closed fist future potential i
There are many popular beliefs rooted in familiar expressions and sayings that simply aren’t true.
EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES. Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three “ones” come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them ft| longer to recognize a pattern. People say when you die, YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU. Well, that depends on what it is. If it’s your dark blue suit, you ‘ can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in the pockets. ” You LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY. Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it. Columbus is a good example of this.
THE SKY’S THE LIMIT. Well, how can the sky be the limit? The A sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The Earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The Earth’s the limit.
You GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping lately? Only a naive person would 0 believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you’ll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
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GEORGE C A R L I N TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day to We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it happens, I’ll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it’ll be today again. ^ NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. Not true. Studies have shown that on the average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were. IF YOU’VE SEEN ONE, YOU’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL. DO we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen one. If you’ve seen them all, then 0 you’ve seen them all. I don’t understand how this one even got started. .
THOSE WERE THE DAYS. NO. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren’t the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank, got laid. “Those were the nights!”
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH. What about when you eat at home? I don’t pay when I eat lunch at home-it’s free! Sometimes I’ll leave a tip, but basically, it’s a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, The Food Is Not the Lunch. YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKES YOUR CHOICE. I think what I said earlier still applies: You pays your money and you takes whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down to it, you pays your money and you loses your money.
brain droppings
EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE. Not so. Would you believe there 5 are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a government mixup, many people have their neighbor’s price. THEY DON’T MAKE ‘EM LIKE THEY USED TO. Actually they do ^ make ‘em like they used to, they just don’t sell ‘em anymore. They make ‘em, and they keep ‘em! i Two WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT. Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that, but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and 256 wrongs to make four rights. It 0 seems to me that anyone who is stringing together more that 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.