Defender

Yet, knowing atevi, say all that Tabini would—and often—that number-counters were superstitious fools and the bane of his existence, Tabini was still atevi, did still look at the numbers of a thing. Gut-deep, maybe, for atevi sorts of feelings, dared he think Tabini had wanted to have a physical look and a little less theory behind his decisions?

Maybe he’d wanted to assure himself one last time of the qualities of the paidhi-aiji, before he did something so irrationally, impossibly foolish as commit the dowager out there, with his son.

What was he to think? That Tabini had made an emotional decision?

But the ceremony itself—facing change, change Tabini might have timed, that ceremony not only got him down there and Ilisidi in from the east, it also got various troublesome lords into arm’s reach… where Tabini’s ca

Trust that those lords knew that—but they were also bound to have seen both the shocking changes in Shejidan and the power—the evident economic and political power—of the aiji.

That would certainly bring some sober second thoughts on the part of any potential troublemaker.

Farewell for a time, paidhi-aiji. Prepared and strengthened by your services, I look forward to receiving you again at court and hearing firsthand the marvels of this new territory.

He took a sip of cooling tea, and cleared the letter over to the rest of the terminals with a disseminatecommand—for his security staff to read, and be entirely amazed. He’d read it. He’d have to read it a dozen times before he’d found everything buried between the lines.

Lord of the heavens? Paidhi to strangers?

He wasn’t confident. He wasn’t at all confident. But his authority… at least wasn’t diminished. Tabini wasn’t angry at him.

Dared he say the paidhi had had an emotional reaction to the thought that Tabini might have had an emotional moment toward him?

How tangled the relationship became.

“Did you contact Jase, Tano-ji?”

“Inquiry stopped at C1, nandi.”

“One rather thinks the stoppage behind all these messages was not C1, however,” Bren said. “And Jase may simply be sleeping, like reasonable people.”

“Mogari-nai, then, assuredly.”

“Almost certainly,” Bren said. “Give me my brother’s letter, Gini-ji, and read the aiji’s.”

Toby’s letter went up on his screen—a letter straight to the point.

Sorry I hung up on you. You hit sore spots. Maybe you had to.

Mother improves and worsens day by day and I don’t know what’s going on. They’re calling in a new specialist. That’s all anyone knows. I sent some flowers in your name.

Damn it, Toby, if I wanted to send flowers, I would have.

But was that right to say? Was it right not to think that, this time, all matters of his policy about his family were suspended? This could be the last time. Ever. A bouquet of flowers—what was that, in the long battle they’d waged, he and his mother, he for his freedom, his mother for her concept of what the family was?

I sent her some in my name too, and in Jill’s, and the kids. And I’m going on a three-day sabbatical… going to find Jill and see if I can explain one more time. Tell her the same old things, one more time. I don’t think it’s going to help, but I’ll try.

Barb’s with Mother. She wants to do this. Mother seems to improve when she’s there.

But you’re right: I have to go pull pieces together and see if I can get back what I had. That all relies on Jill forgiving me. If she does, there’s something. I don’t know if the kids can forgive me at this point. They don’t have the perspective. But Jill might be my advocate with them… even if we can’t get back to where we were

Don’t go in expecting defeat, brother. Don’t ask for half of what you need. You can’t ever win like that.

But I can’t help, either. I’ve done enough of that. Entirely enough. I’ve become part of the problem. Yours—and hers.

I know my troubles can’t matter much on the scale of things you routinely deal with…

Oh, don’t give me that, Toby; you damn well know you’re pushing a button—a damned sensitive one.

I really do know that, Bren. And I’m glad you’re out there doing what you do. Personally I don’t know what to do with all the changes in the world. We agreed to the paidhiin to make change easier for atevi and maybe now we need paidhiin just to explain to the rest of us ordinary types where all this scary stuff is going so fast.

But you ride the wave, and the world’s just going to change, isn’t it? We have to cope with the station and space and the aliens and all of it and just carry on in spite of it all. I think that’s one of Mother’s difficulties, that the world just isn’t the way she thinks it is— and now I’m not sure it’s all the way I always thought it was. I’m not sure I like what’s happened. I know I don’t like you having to go off from the island and not being here, and I miss you. But that’s not anything either of us can help, and I know I can’t even imagine what you’re dealing with right now. I guess I thought I could do the other things for you and take the weight off your shoulders, but that’s stupid: the one thing Mother wants is her whole family, all the time, and she wants everything her way. I think you’re right: it’s not what she ought to have, even for her sake— it seems damned late to try to make that point, but it’s not for want of trying, all these years, is it? You tried. Now I’ve tried. For a while I thought I couldn’t be happy until Mother was happy, because I wouldn’t have done my duty; and that’s what’s got me where I am and her where she is— and neither of us is happy.

So I’m going. I’m going to try one more time if Jill will believe me this round.

I left Barb there at the hospital. She wanted to, days ago, and now I’ve let her, and she’s there, and I’m not.

You’ll be able to get hold of me through my messaging.

You were right. I’m admitting it this time.

Forgive me.

— Toby.

Forgive you? God. You still haven’t gotten the point, Toby. It isn’t forgiving you; it never was. There isno forgiving. We just are. That’s all I ever asked.

He sat still a moment, finger crooked against his mouth, holding in the urge to say something, do something, intervene in Toby’s life one more time. But that was right on the same level as forgiving. They needed to let go. He’d always needed to let go. In the end, he was like their mother, and he hadn’t let go of her or Toby when he needed to.

His staff said nothing to him. But a silence had fallen in the room.

He composed himself, cool and calm.

“Next letter, if you will, Gini-ji.”

Dear Bren,

it began, the dreaded letter from Barb.

Dear Bren,

I’ve tried to write this a dozen times at least over the last three years and I still can’t put in what I want, so here goes.

The short answer is, I’m with your mother. We’re peas in a pod, aren’t we, mother and daughter, all that important stuff!

I know you can’t be here. I’ve learned a lot over the past ten years, and I know it doesn’t matter a drop in the ocean that I understand anything— well, maybe it does matter a little, so I’m saying it anyway.

I know you are what you are, and that’s all part of the package. I take the one with the other, and that’s not all right, but it’s what I’ve got and it’s the bed I’ve made for myself, so here I am, still in love with you, still in a mess. What’s new?