Snow Angels

I almost never cry. Sometimes I go years without crying. When I was a boy, if I cried, Dad beat me. He must have beaten the tears out of me. I start to cry, just a little, and it surprises me. In a way, it terrifies me. “Suvi,” I say.

Kate keeps my hands clasped between hers. “What?”

“Suvi. Heli died where Suvi died.”

She turns off the TV. Her voice goes gentle, like she’s talking to a child. “Kari, would you like a drink?”

I nod.

She hobbles to the kitchen on her crutches and returns with a bottle of scotch and a water glass. I pour a triple and think of Dad, sitting in his armchair, drinking vodka out of a water glass, getting drunk, yelling at Mom and us kids, hitting us. I down the scotch and pour another just like it.

Kate wraps an arm around me. “Suvi died where Heli died?”

I take another drink. “Yeah.”

“Who is Suvi?”

I haven’t said Suvi’s name out loud in thirty years. Tears shoot out of me. I can’t see. I try to talk through the snot choking me. “Suvi died because I didn’t take good enough care of her. Heli died because I didn’t solve the murder. They’re dead and it’s my fault.”

After I finish off the second drink, Kate takes the glass away from me. “Kari, you still haven’t told me who Suvi is.”

“Suvi was my sister.”

I’m crying and choking and choking and crying and through it all I’m spitting out the story of how Suvi fell through the ice and drowned and how Dad and I did nothing and how they dragged the lake under the ice and pulled her body out. In between broken sentences, I’m taking swigs out of the scotch bottle. I’ve drunk most of it.

Kate pulls me close. I try to push her away but don’t have the strength. “Why didn’t you tell me about Suvi before?” she asks.

Crying embarrasses me. I wipe snot on my sleeve and sob. “Because I didn’t want you to blame me.”

She pulls my face next to hers, cradles me in her arms. “Kari, you were nine years old.”

I start crying harder again, spread tears and snot on her shoulder. “Do you blame me?” I ask.

“No Kari, I don’t blame you.”

She rocks me back and forth. I pass out drunk, don’t remember anything after that.

29

KATE SHAKES ME AWAKE. “Antti is on the phone,” she says. “I didn’t want to answer your cell phone, but he kept ringing. I told him you needed to sleep, but he says it’s important.”

My mouth feels like a rat crawled into it, died and rotted there while I slept. My head throbs. Drinking three quarters of a bottle of whiskey like a pitcher of water has given me an awful hangover.

I take the phone. “What?”

“Sorry to bother you,” Antti says, “but I thought you should know about what’s going on with Heli’s murder.”

“It’s okay, tell me.”

“Esko and I processed the crime scene. The tire around her chest was a Dunlop Winter Sport, the ID was still legible. I found a star-spoked hubcap and an empty gasoline can by the edge of the lake.”

My stomach churns from guilt more than the hangover. “You’re telling me I turned Seppo loose and he killed Heli?”

He refrains from passing judgment. “I went to his cottage and his BMW was in the driveway. The keys were still in it. I looked in the trunk and the spare tire was gone, so I’m pretty sure he used it to kill her. Her purse was still in the car. This was about four A.M.”

“Did you find Seppo?”

“He answered the door when I rang, said he’d been asleep and looked like it. Passed out is more like it. He was still pretty drunk. I guess he got tanked, killed his wife, then drove home and went to bed.”

“How did he react about Heli?”

“I didn’t say anything about it. I arrested him but didn’t charge him. I thought I should leave it up to you to decide how to handle him. Being arrested again upset him, to put it mildly, but I just couldn’t see leaving him free when his vehicle is evidence in a second murder.”

“You did right. I’ll call Esko and get his take on things, then come to the station and question Seppo.”

“Esko already did the autopsy. I was there with him.”

“Why so quick?”

“To tell the truth, Esko was afraid you’d want to attend, and he thought it would be too hard on you, so we met at the morgue at seven this morning.”

I look at the clock. It’s eleven now. “When did you sleep?”

“I haven’t yet. Esko went home and got a couple hours of shut-eye while I went to Seppo’s cottage.”

“Fuck,” I say. “I have to see Heli’s parents.”

“I already went to their house with Pastor Nuorgam and talked to Heli’s father.”

“How did he take it?”

“Bad. I told him you were broken up about it, that you’d talk to him when you could.”

Having the people I work with try to spare my feelings touches me, but also embarrasses me a little. “Thanks, I appreciate all you’ve done.”

“No problem. You okay?”

I’m not sure yet. “Yeah, I’m okay. Go home and get some rest, I’ll talk to you soon.”

Kate sits down on the bed. “What are you pla

I shrug my shoulders. “Go to work.”

“Do you remember last night?”

It’s a little fuzzy, but I remember more than I want to. I imagine how I looked, crying like a baby. I feel my face turn red. “Sorry, I guess I let things get on top of me.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, I just wonder why you never told me about Suvi before.”

When I lived in Helsinki, I had an apartment on the fourth floor of a nine-story building. About six months after Heli left me, I came home and found a big orange tomcat on my balcony. The only way he could have gotten there was to have jumped from a higher floor. No one inquired about him and I didn’t ask. I named him Katt-Swedish for “cat.” A stupid name for a stupid animal, but I came to love him.

Katt loved nature shows on TV, seemed to think all the other creatures of the earth lived in a little box in the living room. In the evenings, I would lie on the sofa, he would lie on my chest, we’d share a bowl of ice cream and watch antelopes mate or cougars stalk bison or whatever. He liked the documentaries with other cats in them the best.

I transferred here to Kittilä and brought Katt with me, had him for eight years. One day I came home and found him dead. He tried to eat a fat rubber band and choked to death on it. Katt had shit for brains. It broke my heart. I buried Katt in the backyard in an unmarked grave. Still, every year on All Saints Day, I light a candle on it for him. I never told anybody how much I loved him, and I never told anybody how much it hurt me when he died. I’ve never told Kate he existed at all. Sharing pain just isn’t part of my emotional makeup.

I didn’t realize until last night how much I wanted to tell Kate about Suvi. “I didn’t know how,” I say.

“Is there anything else you haven’t told me, anything you want to tell me?”

I think about it. “No.”

“I’m worried about you,” she says. “I don’t want you to go to work.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“You know what I want and you know I’m right. Things have gone too far. You told me you would.”

I nod. The case has spun out of control, gone to places I never would have imagined, and it’s taken a heavy toll on me. I don’t want to because it feels like failure, humiliating, but I should give it up. “I’ll do it now,” I say.

I call the national chief of police. He starts in on me before I can speak. “You didn’t write the press release the way I told you. Now things are fucked up.”

“Jyri, my ex-wife is dead. She was murdered last night.” I tell him about the circumstances.

Momentary silence. “Jesus, I’m sorry. How are you bearing up?”

“Not that well. I’m recusing myself. This has become too personal. I may have been the last person to see Heli alive, and given my relationship to her and her husband, the prime suspect, it’s inappropriate for me to continue.”