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And he knows their sufferings in that plateau.
And he knows the triumph of those first sulidoror, who, surmounting their isolation, returned from the wilderness bearing a new creed. Come and be changed, come and be changed! Give up this flesh for another! Graze no more, but hunt and eat flesh! Be reborn, and live again, and conquer the brooding body that drags the spirit to destruction!
And he sees the nildoror accepting their destiny and giving themselves up joyfully to rebirth, a few, and then more, and then more, and then whole encampments, entire populations, going forth, not to hide in the plateau of purification, but to live in the new way, in the land where mist rules. They ca
He understands now how it was for these people when the Earthmen came, the eager, busy, ignorant, pitiful, short-lived Earthmen, who were beings of g’rakh yet who could not or would not enter into the oneness, who dabbled with the drug of liberation and did not taste it to the fullest, whose minds were sealed one against the other, whose roads and buildings and pavements spread like pockmarks over the tender land. He sees how little the Earthmen knew, and how little they were capable of learning, and how much was kept from them since they would misunderstand it, and why it was necessary for the sulidoror to hide in the mists of all these years of occupation, giving no clue to the strangers that they might be related to the nildoror, that they were the sons of the nildoror and the fathers of the nildoror as well. For if the Earthmen had known even half the truth they would have recoiled in fright, since their minds are sealed one against the other, and they would not have it any other way, except for the few who dared to learn, and too many of those were dark and demon-ridden, like Kurtz.
He feels vast relief that the time of pretending is over on this world and that nothing need be hidden any longer, that the sulidoror may go down into the lands of the nildoror and move freely about, without fear that the secret and the mystery of rebirth may accidentally be revealed to those who could not withstand such knowledge.
He knows joy that he has come here and survived the test and endured his liberation. His mind is open now, and he has been reborn.
He descends, rejoining his body. He is aware once more that he lies embedded in congealed gelatin on the cold floor of a dark cell abutting a lengthy corridor within a rose-red mountain wreathed in white mist on a strange world. He does not rise. His time is not yet come.
He yields to the tones and colors and odors and textures that flood the universe. He allows them to carry him back, and he floats easily along the time-line, so that now he is a child peering at the shield of night and trying to count the stars, and now he is timidly sipping raw venom with Kurtz and Salamone, and now he enrolls in the Company and tells a perso
He hears the tolling of mighty bells.
He feels the planet shuddering and shifting on its axis.
He smells dancing tongues of flame.
He touches the roots of the rebirth mountain.
He feels the souls of nildoror and sulidoror all about him.
He recognizes the worlds of the hymn the sulidoror sing, and he sings with them.
He grows. He shrinks. He burns. He shivers. He changes.
He awakens.
“Yes,” says a thick, low voice. “Come out of it now. The time is here. Sit up. Sit up.”
Gundersen’s eyes open. Colors surge through his dazzled brain. It is a moment before he is able to see.
A sulidor stands at the entrance to his cell.
“I am Ti-munilee,” the sulidor says. “You are born again.”
“I know you,” Gundersen says. “But not by that name. Who are you?”
“Reach out to me and see,” says the sulidor.
Gundersen reaches out.
“I knew you as the nildor Srin’gahar,” Gundersen says.
Seventeen
LEANING ON THE sulidor’s arm, Gundersen walked unsteadily out of the chamber of rebirth. In the dark corridor he asked, “Have I been changed?”
“Yes, very much,” Ti-munilee said.
“How? In what way?”
“You do not know?”
Gundersen held a hand before his eyes. Five fingers, yes, as before. He looked down at his naked body and saw no difference in it. Obscurely he experienced disappointment; perhaps nothing had really happened in that chamber. His legs, his feet, his loins, his belly — everything as it had been.
“I haven’t changed at all,” he said.
“You have changed greatly,” the sulidor replied.
“I see myself, and I see the same body as before.”
“Look again,” advised Ti-munilee.
In the main corridor Gundersen caught sight of himself dimly reflected in the sleek glassy walls by the light of the glowing fungoids. He drew back, startled. He had changed, yes; he had outkurtzed Kurtz in his rebirth. What peered back at him from the rippling sheen of the walls was scarcely human. Gundersen stared at the mask-like face with hooded slots for eyes, at the slitted nose, the gill-pouches trailing to his shoulders, the many-jointed arms, the row of sensors on the chest, the grasping organs at the hips, the cratered skin, the glow-organs in the cheeks. He looked down again at himself and saw none of those things. Which was the illusion?
He hurried toward daylight.
“Have I changed, or have I not changed?” he asked the sulidor.
“You have changed.”
“Where?”
“The changes are within,” said the former Srin’gahar.
“And the reflection?”
“Reflections sometimes lie. Look at yourself through my eyes, and see what you are.”
Gundersen reached forth again. He saw himself, and it was his old body he saw, and then he flickered and underwent a phase shift and he beheld the being with sensors and slots, and then he was himself again.
“Are you satisfied?” Ti-munilee asked.
“Yes,” said Gundersen. He walked slowly toward the lip of the plaza outside the mouth of the cavern. The seasons had changed since he had entered that cavern; now an iron winter was on the land, and the mist was piled deep in the valley, and where it broke he saw the heavy mounds of snow and ice. He felt the presence of nildoror and sulidoror about him, though he saw only Ti-munilee. He was aware of the soul of old Na-sinisul within the mountain, passing through the final phases of a rebirth. He touched the soul of Vol’himyor far to the south. He brushed lightly over the soul of tortured Kurtz. He sensed suddenly, startlingly, other Earthborn souls, as free as his, open to him, hovering nearby.
“Who are you?” he asked.
And they answered, “You are not the first of your kind to come through rebirth intact.”
Yes. He remembered. Cullen had said that there had been others, some transformed into monsters, others simply never heard from again.
“Where are you?” he asked them.
They told him, but he did not understand, for what they said was that they had left their bodies behind. “Have I also left my body behind?” he asked. And they said, no, he was still wearing his flesh, for so he had chosen, and they had chosen otherwise. Then they withdrew from him.