A Time of Changes

50

I tried to arrive at a theoretical basis for my use of the drug, to construct a new theology of love and openess. I studied the Covenant and many of its commentaries, attempting to discover why the first settlers of Velada Borthan had found it necessary to deify mistrust and concealment. What did they fear? What were they hoping to preserve? Dark men in a dark time, with mindsnakes creeping through their skulls. In the end I came to no real understanding of them. They were convinced of their own virtue. They had acted for the best. Thou shalt not thrust the inwardness of thy soul upon thy fellow man. Thou shalt not unduly examine the needs of thine own self. Thou shalt deny thyself the easy pleasures of intimate conversation. Thou shalt stand alone before thy gods. And so we had lived, these hundreds of years, unquestioning, obedient, keeping the Covenant. Maybe nothing keeps the Covenant alive now, for most of us, except simple politeness: we are unwilling to embarrass others by baring ourselves, and so we go locked up, our i

51

In those weeks I took many voyages of exploration into unknown lands. Friends, strangers, casual acquaintances, a mistress: companions on strange journeys. But through all the early phase of my time of changes I said not a word to Halum about the drug. To share it with her had been my original goal, that had brought the drug to my lips in the first place. Yet I feared to approach her. It was cowardice that kept me back: what if, by coming to know me too well, she ceased to love me?

52

Several times I came close to broaching the subject with her. I held myself back. I did not dare to move toward her. If you wish you may measure my sincerity by my hesitation; how pure, you may ask, was my new creed of ope

53

The twelfth person with whom I shared the Sumaran drug was my bondbrother Noim. He was in Ma

Noim now was a wealthy landowner in Salla, having come into the inheritance of the Condorit family as well as the lands of his wife’s kin. In manhood he had become plump, though not fat; his wit and cu

“Why do you ask that?”

“Your face is sharper. You’ve lost weight. Your mouth—you hold it in a quirky grin that doesn’t a

“These have been the happiest months of one’s life,” I said, a shade too vehemently, perhaps.

Noim ignored my disclaimer. “Are you having problems with Loimel?”

“She goes her way, and one goes his own.”

“Difficulties with the business of the Justiciary, then?”

“Please, Noim, won’t you believe that—”

“Your face has changes inscribed in it,” he said. “Do you deny there have been changes in your life?”

I shrugged. “And if so?”

“Changes for the worse?”

“One does not think so.”

“You’re being evasive, Ki

“There are no problems,” I insisted.

“Very well.” And he let the matter drop. But I saw him watching me that evening, and again the next day at morning’s meal, studying me, probing me. I could never hide anything from him. We sat over blue wine and talked of the Sallan harvest, talked of Stirron’s new program of reforming the tax structure, talked of the renewed tensions between Salla and Glin, the bloody border raids that had lately cost me the life of a sister. And all the while Noim watched me. Halum dined with us, and we talked of our childhood, and Noim watched me. He flirted with Loimel, but his eyes did not wander from me. The depth and intensity of his concern preyed on me. He would be asking questions of others, soon, trying to get from Halum or from Loimel some notion of what might be bothering me, and he might stir up troublesome curiosities in them that way. I could not let him remain ignorant of the central experience of his bondbrother’s life. Late the second night, when everyone else had retired, I took Noim to my study, and opened the secret place where I stored the white powder, and asked him if he knew anything of the Sumaran drug. He claimed not to have heard of it. Briefly I described its effects to him. His expression darkened; he seemed to draw in on himself. “Do you use this stuff often?” he asked.

“Eleven times thus far.”

“Eleven—why, Ki

“To learn the nature of one’s own self, through sharing that self with others.”

Noim laughed explosively: it was almost a snort. “Selfbaring, Ki

“One takes up odd hobbies in one’s middle years.”