The house of God

Blue Blazers: House Administration; often ta

BMS: Best Medical School (in the world).

BMS: a BMS student

BUFF: polish to make look good, as BUFF a car, BUFF a chart, BUFF a gomer; part of BUFF and TURF.

BUN: Blood Urea Nitrogen; indirect measure of heart failure.

BOUNCE: to return to: "I BUFFED her and then TURFED her to Urology, but she BOUNCED back to me."

Bowel Run: part of the Gastrointestinal Workup, a series of tests, including upper GI series with small bowel follow?through, barium enema, sigmoidoscopy, fiver scan, gallbladder series etc.; a specialty of the House; prior to the bowel run the "cleanout" is necessary, a series of enemas and cathartics to render the bowel, in the words of a surgeon, "so clean I can drink the stuff coming out"; The Emperor of the Bowel Run: Dr. Putzel; The Bowel Run of the Stars: the Fat Man's dream.

Cardiac catheterization: threading catheters through veins and arteries into the heart so that radio?opaque dye can be injected and the structure of the vessels and the chambers can be seen.

CHF: congestive heart failure, progressive incurable decay of the heart, in which it can't pump blood efficiently; leads to renal failure, pulmonary edema, stasis ulcers, death.

Cirrhosis: chronic degeneration of the liver; usually fatal.

Clavicular: of the clavicle, bone at the top of the chest ru

CVP: central venous pressure, the pressure in the vein feeding directly into the heart; CVP line, a catheter placed in that vein to measure pressure.

Cytology: study of cells, especially cells suspected of being malignant.

Defibrillator: machine used to attempt to shock the heart back into normal rhythm or to start it again after it stops; electrodes are placed on chest wall; also called cardioverter.

DERM: Dermatology, the study of skin; an NPC Specialty.

Disimpaction: using a finger to dig impacted feces out of the rectum.

Dr. Jung's Anal Mirror: allegedly the Fat Man's Great American Medical Invention, allowing the user to view his or her own anus "in the comfort and privacy of the home."

Dyspareunia: pain during intercourse; especially in the female.

Ectopic nodal pacemaker: abnormal initiation of the heartbeat from the A?V node instead of from the sinus node.

Ectopic pregnancy: abnormal location of the fertilized ovum, often in the fallopian tubes; upon rupture, often fatal

Egedystonic: a thought, feeling, or action which causes discomfort to oneself; opposite of egosyntonic.

Episiotomy: incision in vagina during labor and delivery to allow baby to be born without damaging the mother u

Feeding tube: polyethylene tube put into stomach through nostril, through which pureed food is injected.

Flatulence: farting.

Foley catheter: tube put into bladder through urethra to assure flow of urine.

France: a country.

Fulminant necrotic hepatitis: inflammation of the liver, acute; various causes; virtually always fatal.

GAS: Anaesthesiology; an NPC Specialty.

Gastrocnemius: muscle of the calf; soleus is another calf muscle.

GI: Gastro?Intestinal, pertaining to the gut.

Glomerulonephritis: inflammation of part of the kidney; often fatal.

Gluteal: muscle forming the ass.

GOMER: Get Out of My Emergency Room; "a human being who has lost?often through age-what goes into being a human being"(the Fat Man).

GOMERE: feminine of GOMER.

HELP: organization in the House of God, comprised of Blue Blazers, summoned by dialing H?E?L?P; origin and function unknown.

Hospice: French word; home, asylum, poorhouse.

Hotel?Dieu: French word; literally "House of God"; hospital.

House of God: hospital affiliated with the BMS; founded in 1913 by the American People of Israel when their medically qualified Sons and Daughters could not get good internships because of discrimination; competitor of MBH (See MBH).

House Staff: interns and residents of the House of God.

HTE Service: Hold The Elevator Service; allegedly promulgated by Grenade Room Dubler as an intern, to transport the allegedly murdered gomers down to the morgue.

Intercostal: between the ribs.

Intertrochanteric: between the protrusions of bone at the head of the upper legbone, the femur; often synonymous with fracture of the hip.

Intubated: with a rubber tube inserted through the mouth down into the trachea, by which to artificially respirate a patient.

IV: intravenous, inside a vein.

Lasix: a drug; diuretic often used to treat congestive heart failure.

LAWS OF THE HOUSE OF GOD: a series of rules, almost commandments, many formulated by the Fat Man.

Lay analyst: a psychoanalyst who is not an M.D.

Limbic: primitive part of the brain, thought to be a center of aggressive and sexual impulses; allegedly linked to cortex.

LOL in NAD: Little Old Lady in No Apparent Distress; not a GOMERE.

LP: Lumbar Puncture, the introduction of a needle into the spinal column to procure a sample of spinal fluid; also Low Profile, the intern technique of not being seen.

M and M: Morbidity and Mortality; a regularly scheduled conference of the medical hierarchy at which mistakes are aired; an opportunity for the higher?up Slurpers (See SLURPERS) to roast the lower?down.

MBH: Man's Best Hospital; a BMS?affiliated hospital founded by WASPs; competitor of the House of God.

MI: Myocardial infarction, heart attack.

MICU: Medical Intensive Care Unit.

Monilia: a species of yeast, causing infection, often with swelling of lymph nodes; common cause of vagitch.

MOR: Marriage On Rocks; frequent event during internship; cf. ROR.

Mt. St. E.: Mount Saint Elsewhere, generic term for any hospital not affiliated with the BMS; often used to denote small community hospital.

Multiple myeloma: one type of bone cancer; fatal.

***MVI***: Most Valuable Intern; allegedly the House Award given to the intern who is most valuable; alleged prize is a tiepin and a free trip for two to Atlantic City.

Narcolepsy: disease in which the main symptom is sleepiness; endemic to radiologists.

NIH: National Institute of Health; a step up the Slurper cone.

Nitro: nitroglycerin, tablet placed under the tongue to relieve the pain of angina pectoris.

NPC Specialty: No Patient Care Specialty in medicine, numbering, according to the Fat Man, six: RAYS, GAS, PATH, DERM, OPHTHALMOLOGY, PSYCHIATRY.

NSR: Normal sinus rhythm, the normal working of the heart, in which the heartbeat is initiated in the pacemaking cells in the sinus node.

Onanism: masturbation.

OPHTHALMOLOGY: surgical specialty dealing with eye; an NPC specialty.

ORTHO: Orthopedics, the surgical specialty dealing with bone.