Realware

"I don't want to help unless you can bring Phil and Darla back."

"Are you not grateful for the boon of your alla?" asked the little unicorn Peg. She was the Metamartian Yoke liked the least. Such a tacky-looking thing, with her swilly, corny style of speech.

"I could live without it," said Yoke airily. "It caused me nothing but trouble in Tonga. I went there to do some diving and I ended up being a golden goose. In fact, here, you can take it!" She pulled the alla tube out from under her pillow and tossed it at the little figures, who hopped about in kind of a cute way.

"I'm not grateful one bit," continued Yoke. "As far as I'm concerned, you can turn yourselves back into personality waves and find a different world to xoxx with."

"She a tiger," said Siss admiringly.

"It's too late to stop it now," said Ptah. "How this all comes out is up to Om."

"Are you talking to yourself, Yoke?" said Babs, suddenly appearing in Yoke's field of view. "Oh my God, what are those wavy little figurines? And they're moving! Did you make them with your alla?"

"Hi, Babs. These are the aliens I was telling you about. Okay, Metamartians, this is Babs. And Babs, this is Shimmer, Ptah, Wubwub, Siss, Peg, Josef, and--the seventh one's new. The little bird that looks like he's wearing a yellow mask."

"I'm Haresh," said the bird, his voice loud and melodious even though he was but one centimeter long. "An Indian my-nah. I am very pleased to be meeting you, Miss Yoke and Miss Babs."

"Did you tell the powerball to eat Phil?" said Yoke accusingly.

"Yes, but it was Wubwub's idea that I so do. I am very sorry about this. Can you help us find shelter?"

"They're so little," said Babs, leaning over the Metamartians. "They're really from another world? Oh, I'd do anything for them. Do you guys want to live in one of my cupboards? Or I could find a dollhouse."

"It's too risky, Babs," said Yoke. "As soon as people --or the moldies -- find out about them, they're going to want to kill them. The place could be bombed. We'd all die and the Metamartians would escape as usual."

"I ain't livin' in no dollhouse," said Wubwub "I'm go

"I want to be large as well," said Shimmer. Ptah, Peg, Siss, and Haresh chimed in too. "I'm no insect." "The floor is vile with dust." "Someone might step on me." "I'll be tall, not small."

There were five more explosive sounds as the necessary volumes of air were converted into patterned imipolex. And now Yoke's sleeping corner was crowded with a marble woman, a bronze man, a blonde unicorn, a green python, a black pig, and a giant bird with a yellow mask around its eyes. This made thirteen Metamartians in all: a single Josef, still the size of a beetle, plus big and small versions of each of the six others.

"Praise Om," said the new Metamartians.

"This is insane," said Babs. "What happens to the little guys now?"

"We feel it's ecologically unsound for one of us to have more than one body in a given time-line," piped the tiny Shimmer. "Farewell." And the six small Metamartians dissolved into poofs of air -- effectively killing themselves.

"I don't think people could ever act that way," marveled Yoke. Josef buzzed over to perch on Yoke's pillow. "I'm happy to see you again, Yoke," he said.

"What happened to you on Vava'u?" asked Yoke. "You disappeared when I needed you. When all those Tongans were crowding in on me."

"There was no way out for you," said Josef. "You'd painted yourself into a corner, as one says. Remember that we can see a little way into the future. I didn't want to be there when Tashtego and Daggoo arrived to deliver the great scolding."

Babs was all agog, smiling at and touching the aliens. "I don't know what to ask first," she laughed. "Where you're from, what you want--this is wonderful. At first I thought you were just Silly Putters, or moldies."

"Our essence is energy," said Shimmer. "We can incorporate ourselves in various ways. The moldie form seems to be convenient. For now." She glanced up at the sunlit windows high in the warehouse walls. "I'm ready to get out and about and see some things. To be a tourist! Our plan for now is to blend in and mingle. And then Om will spread the allas, and we'll mate, and we'll move on." A warning gong sounded, meaning that someone had just entered Babs's front door.

"Maybe that's Randy and Cobb," said Babs, looking upset. "They went out last night and they never came back." She hurried off.

"Great day in the morning!" came Randy Karl Tucker's voice. "You're all paisleyed up there, Babs. Checkerboard paisley everywhar!"

Cobb's deep voice murmured something. And then there was a crash of someone knocking over a chair.

"You gross cheeseball. Randy!" cried Babs. "And you're lifted on camote? Here I thought we might start a relationship and you act so --so disgusting! You're a sporehead and a cheese-ball. I wish I'd never seen you! And, no, you can't go back there."

The low rumble of Cobb's voice came again, and then Randy's voice lifted in incoherent ranting that segued into words. "Hiiigh as a kite tail! Babs don't want me to head this-a-way, Jose? Well that's whar I'm a-goin'!" Another crash, followed by snorting sounds and more yelling. "Fee-fie-foe-fum, I smell fuck plastid" A pile of books tumbled over, and then Randy appeared, followed by Cobb and Babs.

Yoke had never seen Randy like this. Instead of his usual timid, introverted self, he was wild and expansive. For his part, Cobb looked the way he had after all that betty in Tonga. Quivery. Evidently the two of them had spent the night on the Anubis getting lifted and having sex with hooker moldies. Like great-grandfather, like great-grandson. Icky, sad, and kind of fu

At the sight of the aliens, Cobb hiccuped and sat down on the floor, his skin rippling with rapid wrinkles. Randy made a beeline for Shimmer, shoving Peg the unicorn to one side.

"Dog with an antler, what the hell. Look at this milky mama." He lurched forward, throwing his arms around Shimmer's neck and sniffing deeply. "Hey thar. Want to make twenty bucks the hard way?"

"Greetings, Randy. I am Shimmer from Metamars."

"Whoah!" said Randy. "I'm in looove. Sex with an alien! He ardently embraced Shimmer, and instead of pushing him away, the alien lowered herself down onto Yoke's bed with Randy on top of her. Yoke sprang up, getting well out of range.

"If we do it, can I have an alla too, Shimmer?" Randy was saying. "I'm the natural man to show you the facts o' life."

Even though Shimmer was making a noise that could have been laughter, Ptah and Wubwub dragged Randy off of Shimmer, Ptah pulling Randy's legs and Wubwub pushing his chest with his snout. Siss wrapped herself around Randy's body, strapping down his arms. Haresh the giant mynah bird strutted over to peer at Randy's face.

"Is this typical human mating behavior?" asked Haresh, cocking his head.

"Don't even," said Babs. "He is so far from any semblance."

"Randy's a cheeseball," explained Yoke. "He likes to have sex with moldies. He thought you were a moldie, Shimmer."

"Who says she ain't?" said Randy, trying to raise his hand to his face, seeming not to understand that his arm was held I down by Siss's coils. "The nose knows." Randy kept on trying to move his arm, soddenly struggling against Siss.

"Let him go," said Shimmer. "He's harmless."

"I wouldn't trust him," said Ptah. "What if he somehow pollutes your plastic?" But Siss went ahead and uncoiled.