Master Of Space And Time

"Yeah." Harry beamed at me for a second. We were having fun. "You say I called the machine a blunzer?"

"That's right. A blunzer. You said we built it and it made you master of space and time."

"Blunzer… I like that. Did I say when we built it? Or how?"

"We build it tomorrow, and today we get the parts. You said that if I came to see you today, you'd know what to do. The very fact that you were able to come back from the future means that the blunzer is going to work, right?"

"Well, yes. The idea of controlling space and time does happen to be something I've been thinking about recently. The way I see it, it's simply a matter of increasing the value of Planck's constant by many orders of magnitude."

"That's what you've been working on?"

"After a fashion." Harry smiled lopsidedly and fell silent. I realized then that he'd been unable to work without me. It had been a shame to let Nancy come between us.

"Have you done any experiments?"

"No, I didn't have the energy. This is all so strange. First I have some ideas, then the ideas decide to become real. The blunzer sends me back in time to get you to help me build the blunzer. It's a closed causal loop. But where did it come from?"

"God, maybe. Or another dimension. You're telling me you actually know how to build the blunzer?"

"I had a dream about it last night, as a matter of fact. I dreamed that you were explaining it to me. It was a very vivid dream." Harry stared into space, thinking. "The materials are going to cost," he said finally. "You only brought two thousand dollars?"

"It's all I have. I work and work and the savings never grow. It's horrible to have a real job, Harry, they treat me just like anyone else. I'm ready to gamble everything on you."

"Well, thanks, Fletch. I'm really touched. With you helping me, the blunzer might work. Planck's constant, you know, it's a measure of the effect that the observer has on the universe. If I can temporarily increase the value of Planck's constant in my body, then the world will look more and more like I want it to."

"Here's the beer, boys." Antie came shuffling back from her run.

We each opened a can. I drank deep and sighed with pleasure. "Drinking beer in a back room on a rainy Saturday. This is the life, Harry, with no women around. Nancy and Serena —"

"It's rough, huh? Well, living alone gets pretty old, too."

"Do you have any girl friends?"

"There's one woman I've been seeing. She's a student at the Scientific Mysticism Seminary here. Kind of plain, but very pleasant. She slept here last night. I just wish I could get her to stop talking about God."

"What's her name?"

"Sondra Tupperware. Sondra with an O."

I burst out laughing. The name was too ridiculous to be believed. "You lying toad. Has anything you've told me yet been true?"

"It's all true. You're the one who saw me come back from the future."

"Nobody's called Tupperware."

"You want to phone her up?"

"I'll have another beer instead. Tell me more about what you think the blunzer will do."

"We'll talk about the technical details later. The main thing is that it'll make me master of space and time. For a while, anyway. Whatever I wish for will come true."

"And me? Do I get a turn?"

"Sure. First I'll do it, then you."

"That'll be safer," I observed. "So I can undo anything you screw up too badly."

"Like 'The Peasant and the Sausage,'" said Harry. "You know that story?"

"No."

"Well, there's a peasant who finds a little man trapped in a bramble bush. He gets the little man out, and the little man says, 'In return for your help I grant you three wishes. Use them wisely!' So the peasant runs home and talks it over with his wife. They're trying to decide what to wish for. They're talking and talking and suppertime comes, and she's been too busy to fix anything, and she's real hungry. 'I wish I had a nice big sausage,' the wife blurts out, and there on the table in front of her is a crisp white bratwurst. 'God, you're stupid!' the husband shouts, beside himself with rage. 'I wish that sausage would grow onto your nose!' So there's the poor wife with the big gross sausage grown onto her face."

"And they have to use the third wish to get the sausage off, right?"

"Yeah. Three wishes and all they end up with is a sausage."

"But the blunzer gives you more than three wishes, doesn't it?"

"It gives all the wishes I make, but only for a limited period of time. A session with the blunzer is like one super-wish."

"Couldn't you wish for infinitely many wishes?"

"I don't think so. You have to wish for something concrete."

"So what are you going to wish for, Harry?"

Harry smiled and rubbed his face. "That's the hard part, isn't it? I'll get you some money — I know you'll want that, and —"

"That's right," I put in. "Five million bucks."

"Yeah. And I wish Sondra was prettier. And I wish the blunzer would work. And… I don't know. I'd like to have some big adventure happen. Subconscious wishes count too, which means that —"

"Try to do the big adventure in some other universe," I suggested. "So this one doesn't get totally wrecked."

"That sounds like a good idea. I'll wish for a magic door to another world and we can go over there for a while."

"Hey, I'm psyched, Harry!"

"Let's go shopping."

4. Stars 'n' Bars

We left Antie in charge of the store and took off in my Buick. Without Harry having to tell me, I knew where we were headed. Jack McCormack's Stars 'n' Bars Government Surplus.

Harry handed me a pretzel and an open beer. "Utz and Blatz, Fletcher, just think about it."

"Tzzzz."

We were on an incredibly built-up divided highway. There were lots of potholes. The traffic was light but intense. The government had recently repealed all speed limits in an attempt to boost oil consumption.

Businesses were slotted in side by side, not only along both edges of the highway but also all up and down the broad median strip. Such dense social tissue needs a vast traffic flow to nourish it, a flow that was no longer available in these depression times. Many of the businesses stood empty. Fly-by-night operations flitted in and out of the abandoned rent-free shells like fish in a coral reef.

COSMO FLEXADYNE!

PERSONA SCREAM-FLASH!

BLOOD AND ORGANS BOUGHT AND SOLD!

FETISH MEGAMART!

ETHICAL REPROGRAMMING!

FLESH FISH!

NORTH JERSEY'S ONLY DOG BUTCHER!

EXCRETION THERAPY!

SKIN SHIRTS — WE MAKE OR EAT!

BAG BODY BOXING!

STARS 'N' BARS SURPLUS!

"There it is."

We pulled into the vast empty lot of what had once been a Two Guys discount center. The building was a weathered yellow cube with half an American flag painted on one side. A few robots loitered outside the entrance, standing guard. Jack McCormack, the proprietor, was a displaced redneck, deeply suspicious of city folks.

When we pulled up, Jack had been standing behind the glass doors, watching the traffic. But when he saw Harry and me, he turned and disappeared into the gloomy recesses of his domain.

"Plllease state youuur business," intoned one of the robots, a squat K-88 with a flare ray bolted to its arm.

"Joseph Fletcher and Harry Gerber, out shopping. Jack knows us."

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"Come on, McCormack," shouted Harry, "you remember us. We built that beam weapon for General Moritz. The thing to make water radioactive?" That had been one of our less successful designs. Harry had lost the plans for the demonstration model, and we'd been unable to duplicate it.

"N