Master Of Space And Time

Antie and I stretched Harry out on his bed and prepared to ambush Sondra. Holding a big tumbler of straight booze, I stood pressed against the wall next to the window like a forties gangster listening to the cops outside. Antie stood against the wall on the window's other side. We passed the time by chatting a little about the past week's events.

Apparently Harry and Sondra had tried to crank the blunzer up again. Gary wanted the door to his universe reopened so that some of him could go back there. And he'd wanted a few changes made in our world as well: slugs everywhere, a centralized dictatorship, no booze, et cetera. Antie and Sondra had run through the sequence just like before, but when the hotshot table jabbed Harry, nothing had happened.

"I was glad," said Antie. "I think Gary would have gotten rid of all the robots too."

"Did you sabotage the blunzer, Antie? Is that why it didn't work?"

"No, no, I was scared to. Last time it almost killed me, you remember? There were still enough red gluons, but they just didn't work."

Suddenly I remembered something. The strangely familiar voice I'd heard on my car radio when I'd been in the infinite regress in the Softech parking lot that last Friday after work. "The red gluons only work once," the voice had said. "Use blue gluons the second time." Blue gluons? I wondered if Stars 'n' Bars would have them. Could the voice on the radio have been my own? Perhaps I was destined to take my turn as master of space and time.

The sound of wild cheering snapped me out of my reverie. The crowd outside was really getting excited. Peeking out the window's corner, I could see that most of the people had taken off all their clothes. They were writhing around with all the Gary-brains splitting and sliding from back to back. I guess you would call it an orgy. And hovering above the worshipers was their queen: Sondra Tupperware, lovely as Marilyn Monroe, weightless as a cloud, naked as a wet dream.

"She'll come any minute now," said Antie. I took a little taste from the glass I was holding. Harry's steady snoring filled the room.

Finally the yelling outside came to a peak — it sounded like everyone climaxing at once — and our blond angel came floating in through Harry's open window.

I scored a bull's-eye with the glassful of booze. Before Sondra could even peep, we had the Garybrain off her back and under Antie's metal feet.

"Joe!" she exclaimed, covering her breasts. "What are you doing here?" Then she noticed that her breasts weren't all there was to cover. She dove for the closet and found herself a robe.

"You better let Antie put a bandage on your back," I suggested. "If modesty doesn't forbid."

"Oh, Joe, I've…" She stepped over to the bed and felt Harry's empty back. "How long have we been —"

"It's been a week. They got you the first night back. They came for me and Nancy, but we got away."

"Was that whiskey you threw on my back?"

"That's right. Gary's allergic to it, remember?"

"I — I'd better have a drink. And some food. The spine-riders don't bother to feed their hosts very often."

There wasn't much of anything in the fridge — Antie said the stores were almost out of fresh food — but there were a few things in the freezer. Antie microwaved Sondra some fried chicken with mashed potatoes, and I poured her a big glass of white wine.

"I want to use the blunzer," I told her.

"It doesn't work," said Sondra. "Thank God."

"I think you just had the wrong kind of gluons," I explained. "Harry told me once that gluons come in three colors: red, yellow, and blue. I have a hunch that each color just works once."

"You mean the blunzer will work exactly three times?"

"Just like in all the fairy tales. I think it's about time for our second round of wishes."

"You'll get rid of the Gary-brains?"

"Don't you think I should?"

Sondra pulled the oversize bathrobe tighter around herself. "Yes, of course. Though the people they're attracting are so stupid that —"

"They're better off this way? That's a thought. Maybe that's why the army is letting them keep coming in. Anyone who'd volunteer for alien domination doesn't really deserve to have his or her freedom. It's a thought, Sondra."

"But this is still just stage one. As soon as people stop coming to New Brunswick, the Gary-brains want to break out."

"You know that for a fact?"

"Didn't Harry tell you?"

"He didn't say much of anything before he passed out. You better get some sleep too, Sondra. I'm going to need your help tomorrow."

"I'm scared." She poured herself another glass of wine. "I'm scared the brains will come back while I'm sleeping. Will you get in bed with me, Joe?"

"What a question! Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

"Oh, don't be like that. Underneath, I'm still plain Sondra, you know. I wish I could get my real face back."

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow we'll get some blue gluons and I'll fix everything up. Why don't you finish that wine and then we'll go to bed."

"Okay, Joe."

17. Sit on My Butt

The phone woke me up. It was just getting light outside. I had a Type III hangover: wavy jello and cold pain. The phone was next to our bed.

"Hello?"

"Joey! You're all right?" It was Nancy.

"Yeah. Yeah, baby, I'm fine. Are you in New York?"

"That's right. I called the network and I'm going to be on the Brad Kurtow show this morning. I'm staying at the Plaza Hotel."

"Class. I'm sleeping in a double bed with Harry and Sondra. I got the brains off their backs, and today I'm going to try and get blunzed."

"What do you mean you're in bed with Sondra?"

"Just to protect her, Nancy."

"Well, let her protect herself, that blond cow."

"It's not her fault she looks boss. As a matter of fact, she wants me to change her back to the way she was."

"You're really going to get blunzed?"

"I think so. I'll get rid of the Gary-brains and — I don't know. Is there anything else I should wish for?"

"Get us a penthouse on top of the Plaza, Joey. I like it here."

"Anything else?"

"I want to be able to fly, too. Like Sondra. Why should she get everything? I'll flit in and out of our penthouse like a dove."

"That sounds nice. And I'll wish for ten million more bucks while I'm at it."

"And immortality?"

"No, no. I don't want to live forever. Death's the only thing that keeps me going."

"Well, don't forget the other things. Good luck, darling. I have to catch a cab now."

I set the phone back down on its cradle and felt around on the floor for the Scotch. Normally I don't drink in the morning, but today I had a good excuse. Several of them.

The taste of the stuff made me cough and retch so loud that it woke the others.

"Wood," groaned Harry. "Everything's cheap splintery beige and white —"

I handed him the bottle.

"I don't have to drink that, do I?" asked Sondra.

"Not really," I said, taking another hit. "You and me will be flying out of here before any brains can bother you. You'll be able to carry me, won't you?"

"Sure she can carry you," said Harry. "She's been flying me to the TV studio every day. It's her atoms — they're all made of null matter in EPR synchronicity with her state of mind."

"What does that mean?"

"My body moves whichever way I will it too," said Sondra. "If you sit on my butt I can fly you anyplace."

"We need to get to Stars 'n' Bars," I said, trying not to think too hard about Sondra's butt. How would it feel to have a body like that? "I want to get some blue gluons."

"McCormack won't have them," said Harry. "They're much harder to isolate then the red ones are. What do you need blue gluons for anyway? You pla