Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt

My face burned. I felt my skin all over.

I’d never heard anyone say something like this. It took me a moment and then I said:

“It doesn’t hurt me.”

He didn’t answer.

“I didn’t know,” I said. “That’s not right. I think I knew but I knew it would pass. I didn’t think about it if I knew it.”

“Listen to your own words,” he said. He sounded so sad.

“What am I saying?”

“You’re wiser than your years,” he said, he who stood so tall at thirteen, a man. “You have a different face than you had when we left Egypt. You had a boy’s face then, and your eyes were like your mother’s eyes.”

I knew what he meant. My mother always looked like a child. What I hadn’t known was that I was any different.

I didn’t know what to say to him.

“I’m sorry for hating you,” he said. “Truly sorry. And I mean to love you and be loyal to you always.”

I nodded. “I love you as well, my brother,” I said.

Quiet.

He stood there wiping his tears.

“Will you let me put my arms around you?” I asked.

He nodded, and we held each other. And I hugged him tight and could feel him trembling. That was how bad he felt.

I drew back slowly. He didn’t turn or go away.

“James,” I said. “Why did you hate me?”

He shook his head. “Too many reasons,” he said. “And I can’t tell you all of it. Someday you’ll learn.”

“No, James, tell me now. I have to know. I’m begging you. Tell me.”

He thought for a long time.

“I’m not the one to tell you the things that happened.”

“But who is to tell me?” I asked. “James, tell me what made you hate me. Tell me that much. What was it?”

He looked at me and it seemed his face was full of hate. Or maybe it was just unhappiness. In the dark his eyes were burning.

“I’ll tell you why I must love you,” he said. “The angels came when you were born. That’s why I have to love you!” He started to cry again.

“You mean the angel who came to my mother,” I said.

“No.” He shook his head. He smiled but it was a dark, bitter smile. “The angels came on the very night you were born. You know how it was, they told you. We were in the i

“My father went to her. She was all wrapped up and the rags from the birth had been taken away. He held her in his arms. ‘Why here in this place?’ she cried. ‘Have we done some wrong? Are we being punished for it? Why here in this place? How can this be right?’ That’s what she asked him. And he had no answer.

“Don’t you see? An angel had come to her and told of your birth, and here it had happened in a stable.”

“I see,” I said.

“It was terrible to hear her crying,” he repeated, “and my father had nothing to say to her. But the door opened, and the cold air came in, a blast of it, and everybody huddled and groaned for the door to be shut. But these men were there, and a boy with them and a lantern. These were men in sheepskins with their feet wrapped against the winter, and their staffs, and anyone could see they were shepherds.

“Now you know shepherds never leave their flocks, not in the middle of the night, not in the snow, but there they were, and the looks on their faces were enough to make anyone get up from their beds in the hay and stare at them, and everyone did. I did.

“It was as if the fire from the lantern was burning in their faces! Never have I seen faces like their faces!

“They went right to the manger where you were lying and they looked down at you; and they knelt down, and they touched their heads to the ground with their hands up.

“They cried out: ‘Glory to the Lord in the Highest; and peace on Earth, peace and goodwill to all!’

“Everyone was looking at them.

“Now your mother and my father said nothing but only looked at them; and the men climbed to their feet and they turned to the right and to the left telling everyone that an angel had come to them out in the field, in the snow where they’d been watching over their flocks. No one could have stopped them from their telling this, and now everyone lodged in the stable was gathered around.

“One of them cried out that the angel had said, ‘Don’t be afraid because I give you glad tidings of great joy; for today, to you, is born in the city of David a Savior: Christ the Lord!’ ”

He stopped.

His whole ma

He was no longer full of anger or tears.

His face had softened and his eyes were large.

“Christ the Lord,” he said. He was not smiling. But he was back in Bethlehem, in that moment, and he was with the shepherds, and his voice was low and full of quiet.

“Christos Kyrios,” he said in Greek. He and I had spoken Greek for most of my life. He went on in Greek. “They were so full of joy, those men. So elated. So full of conviction. No one could have doubted them. No one did.” Then he went quiet. He seemed to drift into his memory altogether.

I was unable to speak.

So this is what they kept from me. Yes, and I knew why they kept it from me. But now I knew it, and it meant I had to know all the rest. I had to know what the angel had said who had come to my mother. I had to know all of it. I had to know why and how I had the power to take and give life, and the power to stop rain and bring snow, if I even had it, if, and what was I to do. I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to know.

And it frightened me completely to think of what Cleopas had said, that I must be the one to explain things to them.

It was too much to keep in my mind. It was too much even to frame the questions that remained unanswered.

And my James, my brother, it seemed he was becoming small and far away, even as he stood there—he was becoming a frail thing. I felt for a moment as if I wasn’t part of this place, this grass, this slope, this mountainside above Jerusalem, the bits of music drifting towards us, the distant laughter, and yet it was so beautiful to me, all of it, and James, my brother, I loved him, I loved him and understood him and his sorrow with all my heart.

He began to speak again, his eyes moving as if he was seeing what he described.

“The shepherds, they said the Heavens had filled with angels. It was a host of angels in the Heavens. They threw up their arms as they said it, as if they were seeing the angels again. The angels sang: ‘Glory to the Lord in the Highest! And on Earth, peace and goodwill to all.’ ”

He bowed his head. He had stopped crying, but he looked spent and sad.

“Picture it,” he said in Greek. “The whole Heavens. And they’d seen this and come down into Bethlehem looking for the child in the manger as the angels had said to do.”

I waited.

“How could I hate you for this?” he asked.

“You were just a little boy—a little boy younger than I am now,” I said.

He shook his head.

“Don’t offer me your kindness,” he said. I could barely hear him. His head was down. “I don’t deserve your kindness. I am mean to you.”

“But you’re my older brother,” I said.

He lifted his tunic to wipe his tears.

“No,” he said. “I have hated you,” he said. “And it’s a sin.”

“Where did these men go, these shepherds who said these things?” I asked. “Where are they now? Who are they?”