Beggars Banquet

‘Don’t bother with a trace, Tom. I won’t be on long, you know that.’

‘We get a dozen cranks a day saying they’re the Minute Man.’

‘You know who I am, Tom.’

‘Why are you phoning?’

‘Because you’ve got the wrong man.’

Lancaster looked to Gillian and Cooke. She looked ready to leap from her seat, while Cooke seemed pi

‘Have we?’

‘Yes. She’s set him up.’

‘Who has?’

‘The girl.’

‘Why would she do that?’

‘He’s having an affair with her mother. She wants revenge.’

Lancaster forced a laugh. ‘How can you possibly know that?’

‘I know. I know all of it now.’

The line went dead.

‘Christ,’ Cooke said. Lancaster checked with the switchboard, but the Minute Man hadn’t been on long enough to give them a chance. In fact, he’d been on the line for scarcely a minute…

Lancaster got to his feet. ‘I wonder if he still plans to visit Lower Traherne? One way to find out…’

‘I’m coming too,’ said Cooke, rising shakily to his feet. Gillian was still staring at the telephone. Neither man needed confirmation that she had recognised the voice. When Lancaster touched her shoulder she flinched.

‘Come on, Gillian,’ he said. ‘Let’s get you back to the hotel.’

They opened the back door of the car for her and she got in. The engine was ru

‘We should have gone left there.’

He was still smiling. The car was building up speed. Gillian felt a lump swell in her throat, the fear nearly choking her.

‘I know it all now,’ he said quietly. ‘The way Lancaster spoke, that confirmed it. Oh yes, that balanced both sides of the ledger quite nicely.’

She swallowed, shifting the blockage. ‘Where’s the driver?’

‘ I’m the driver.’

‘The policeman.’

‘You think he’s in the boot?’ He shook his head. ‘I told him his chief wanted him in the press room.’

She was relaxing a little. His voice was calm. It had been calm all the time she’d been his captive. ‘Where are we going?’ she asked.

‘Lower Traherne.’

‘What?’

‘I’m taking you home, Gillian.’

‘But why?’

He shrugged. ‘Just to show them I can.’

She thought for a moment. While she was thinking, he spoke again.

‘It was good, very good, nearly had me fooled. Except for one scared bloke in a pub…’

She felt the words tumble from her mouth, like someone else was speaking. ‘They’ve got the exit roads covered, and there are police at the house, inside and outside. You’ll never-’

‘It’s all right, Gillian. You’ll see, both sides will balance.’

‘What do you mean, balance?’

So for the rest of the journey, the Minute Man tried to explain to her his own particular theories of the principles of accounts.

The Only True Comedian

I suppose, looking back, my schooldays were to blame. Or maybe it was my parents’ genes, which had left me the smallest boy in my year. The popular boys all seemed to be the tough ones, the sporty ones, the ones who weren’t shy, who were good-looking.

I didn’t really fit the bill. So instead I became the comedian. Of course, they weren’t laughing with me – they were laughing at me. I knew it even then, as I told my jokes and made my silly faces and did my fu

Which meant I was allowed to participate in their games, or at least watch from the periphery, which was my favoured spot anyway. Watching them, I was able to learn. I learned which kids and teachers I could make fun of. I’d go for the younger kids, even spottier and uglier than I was, or for one of the unlovely girls who stood by the playground railings, sad looks on their faces. Oh, I was ferocious with anyone who couldn’t bite back. It was how I stayed part of the gang.

The other problem was, I wasn’t stupid, but when I became a member of Black Alec’s gang, I had to pretend to be less clever than I was. And this pretence could only be carried off if I started slipping in class, answering questions wrongly when I knew the right answers, my test marks dropping. The deputy head had a word with me. I think she could see there was a problem, she just couldn’t figure out what it was. My parents were summoned to the school for a discussion. They started to take notice of me too, helping with homework and revision. Still I refused to fulfil my potential. Sometimes I would slip up, and answer some question which had stumped everyone else. At these times, the teacher would peer at me, wondering what was going on.

Eventually I was taken to hospital for tests on my brain. They glued all these electrodes to my head. Three washings later, my hair still felt sticky, and the results had failed to throw up any incongruities. When the final exams came, I was in a quandary. We’d all have left school by the time the results were posted. So if I wanted to, I could do as well as I liked. But something made me stay in character; maybe it was the thought that though I was leaving school, the gang would still be there, hanging around their favoured street corner, yelling abuse at cars and pedestrians, ru

Soon after leaving school, however, I found that a lot of the gang had drifted away. Even Black Alec – our leader and mentor – had gained employment as a car mechanic. The merry band had dwindled to a few losers for whom the daily stint at the street corner had become an unwelcome chore. I thought about resitting my exams, going on to college or university. But Black Alec was my next-door neighbour: how could I tell him my plans? He wouldn’t have understood. He’d have asked me to do the walk again, and afterwards his laughter would have had me craving more. More laughter, more acceptance, more of his approval.

Anyway, things didn’t work out for him as a mechanic. He became a bouncer instead, working at a discotheque in Kirkcaldy. He got into trouble, spent a couple of months in jail, and when he came out he told us he’d just paid a visit to the ‘University of Life’. From now on, he said, nothing would be beyond him. He’d only be satisfied with ‘number one’. At the time, I don’t think we really knew what he was talking about, but we found out soon enough.

I went to work in a chicken factory. It wasn’t a bad job. The production line was mostly staffed by women, and I kept them smiling. I’d sing a song, do a little dance, whatever it took to please them. They were all married, kept asking me when I’d find a girlfriend. They wore white overalls and green wellies, their hair tucked into white caps. Sometimes, when I met them outside the factory, I wouldn’t recognise them. My first Christmas party was a revelation. They were wearing dresses and make-up, having a drink and a laugh. We’d taken over the back room of a pub in Glenrothes. No management, just workers. There was some entertainment. A couple of the women sang songs. One of the foremen got up and told some jokes.