Страница 27 из 52
“Heist?”
“Don’t be such a dummkopf, Mags; you know what I mean.” Except that I didn’t. I was, however, happy that Susa
“A heist is a robbery,” I said, reasonably, stubbornly, and, of course, quietly. “Has Melvin ever robbed anyone before?”
She was quiet for a moment, her ragged breathing aside. “Yes,” she finally mumbled. “That bank job in Bedford -the one you had to go and interrupt.”
It was then that every hair on my head stood up, forcing my prayer cap to reach new heights. “Those faux-Amish men, like the one who shot Amy and could have killed my Little Jacob, one of them was Melvin Stoltzfus?”
“Shhh, Mags!”
“Don’t you shush me, Susa
“I can’t.”
18
“What do you mean by ‘I can’t’?”
“Mags, you know if I tell you anything, then you’ll try to do something to stop it, and you’ll get hurt this time. I just know it. I feel it-kind of like a premonition. That’s why I had to see you.”
I took my time processing this new batch of information. “You’re in contact with that cold-blooded killer, and you know when he’s going to strike again?”
“He’s not a cold-blooded killer, Mags! He only kills when he’s very stressed-when he has to. Otherwise, you know that my Sweetykins wouldn’t hurt a flea.”
“I think the expression is ‘fly,’ dear, but in this dirt bag’s case, flea is just as appropriate.”
Shame on me. I’d never used such harsh language; I’d never called anyone such a vulgar name. But Melvin had actually tried to throw me over a cliff once, and if it hadn’t been for the grace of God and my sturdy Christian underwear-which got caught up on a tree branch-my head would have broken open on the rocks at the bottom of said cliff like a jack-o’-lantern hurled in front of a speeding automobile. And for the record, I only did that once, and I was only ten years old, and after the licking Papa gave me behind the barn, it is a wonder I still have a bottom with which to fill out my Hanes Her Way cotton briefs, which are, of course, plain Protestant white.
My words seemed to have struck a nerve in Susa
“How dare you call my Woosty-Bootsy names? He’s a lot more of a man than that mama’s boy you’re married to. At least my husband can cut his own meat!”
I must admit that it is rather pitiful that a heart surgeon has to pass his steak to his mother first so that she can saw it into manageable bites, but doesn’t each family have its own idiosyncrasies? I’m sure that the Obamas do things behind the White House doors that they would rather not be made public. In fact-and I say this as a woman who voted for Barack-what was his wife thinking when she selected her inaugural gown? From the picture I saw in the paper, it looked like it had wadded balls of toilet paper glued hither, thither, and yon. Frankly, a little less hither and a lot more yon might have been in order for that schmatta.
“Susa
“Stop being so dramatic, Mags. If you loved someone as much as I love my dingleberry pie, you wouldn’t be asking yourself that question.”
Not being a great fan of dingleberries, I let the argument drop. “Let me get this straight, sis. All you wanted was for me to listen to your premonition as regards what’s his name in an upcoming heist?”
“His name is Melvin Lucretius Stoltzfus III.”
“Lucretius? The poor dear never stood a chance-but still, that’s no excuse for cold-blooded murder.”
“Guard, guard!” Susa
“Oh no, you’re not,” I hissed. I was so angry I was able to do it without an “S”-a feat usually reserved for sloppy novelists. “You’re not through until you promise me that your little nephew is safe.”
Susa
“Because if what you’ve intimated is true, then the Son of Satan was in the bank that day and saw my Little Jacob. If he thinks that Little Jacob can identify him then-”
“Can he?”
“Of course not! If he could, don’t you think he would have told me? And if he’d told me, do you think that I’d be this shocked to learn that he was still around?”
“You’ve always been a good actress, Mags-which is the same as being a good liar.”
“Well, I’m telling the truth this time. Listen to me, I’m not even wailing. I’m just being quiet and earnest. This is a mother talking, not your sister.”
“You sound cagey to me, sis.”
“Save the life of my child,” cried the desperate mother. “Honestly, Susa
“Guard,” she called again.
“So help me, Susa
That was when Susa
Unfortunately the lady linebacker guard jumped to a wrong conclusion, and woman-handled me in the worst possible way. It wasn’t the least bit fun and offered me absolutely no fodder for romantic daydreams-not that I was in the market for any. It’s just that as I get older, I try harder to keep an open mind.
By the time I got to the car, I was shaking like the paint mixer at Home Depot. ’Tis a cliché, I know, but one that originated with me, so I feel free to employ it. Very little of my intense emotion came from the rude way in which I’d been treated; to be honest, I was just plain scared. I feared for the life of my son, who was my flesh and blood, my pride and joy, the crowning achievement of my life.
Take the i
Ordinarily, logic would dictate that I contact the sheriff with the information that Susa
I couldn’t very well hide him in the trunk of my car. Who would that fool? If indeed Melvin was back in Hernia, he probably had a telescope trained on my i
The Babester would face the same problems that I would, so there was no use going that route. Besides, he’d want to confide in Ida, who was Sister Superior to the Super Deluded-again, I say this with Christian charity. It did occur to me to enlist Freni and Mose; perhaps Little Jacob could be smuggled out hidden in the bottom of their buggy. However, despite the fact that both septuagenarians have hearts of spun gold, their lips could sink all the ships in the Gulf of Aden, thus causing a global oil shortage of epic proportions.