Towing Jehovah

“No, Dad did the work, I’m sure. He loved that woman. Over and over and over.”

“Froggy loves Tiffany,” said Pirate Je

“Cassie loves Anthony,” said Cassie Fowler.

“Anthony loves Cassie,” said Anthony Van Horne.

September 22.

The autumnal equinox. On this day in 1789, my Ma

Mr. Christian could’ve done a lot worse than where he ended up, Pitcairn’s Island. He could’ve come here, for instance, to Kvitoya, surely the bleakest, coldest place south of Santa Claus’s outhouse.

At 0920 we drew within sight of the coordinates Raphael gave me in the Manhattan Cloisters — 80°6'N, 34°3'E — and, indeed, there it was, the Great Tomb, a waterborne mountain measuring nearly 16 miles across at its base and towering over 28,000 feet (the approximate height of Everest, Dolores Haycox noted), pi

The sailors wanted no part of the padre’s rationality, and I didn’t either. This morning, Popeye, the sun wore a halo.

For an hour we cruised along the mountain’s western face, probing, poking, seeking entrance, and at 1105 we spotted a trapezoidal portal. We came left 15 degrees, slowed to 3 knots, and crossed the threshold. Those angels knew their math, Popeye; their calculations were on the mark. Our cargo cleared the portal with a margin of perhaps 6 yards along each floating hand and not much more above the chest.

The Maracaibo steamed forward, her searchlights pa

No armada awaited. Rome may find us yet, of course; her ships could be gathering outside even as I write these words, barricading the exit. But right now we’re free to conduct our business in peace.

Dead ahead, dark waves lapped against a mile-long ice shelf, its surface nearly level with our bulwarks, and the minute I saw the glistery, sculpted bollards I knew the angels had intended it as a pier.

At 1450 I sent a half-dozen ordinaries over in the launch. They had no trouble grabbing the mooring lines and making them fast, but docking the Maracaibo was still a damned dicey operation: deceptive shadows, crazy echoes, chunks of pack ice everywhere. By 1535 the bitch was tied up, both her engines cut for the first time since she left Palermo.

I ordered an immediate burial at sea. Cassie, Ockham, and I marched down the catwalk to the fo’c’sle deck, pried up the seabag with grappling hooks, and, after scavenging an anchor from the handiest lifeboat, carried poor old Dad to the starboard bulwark.

“I’m not sure how Dutch Presbyterians go about it,” said Ockham, slipping a King James Bible from his parka, “but I know they’re fond of this translation.”

Loosening the drawstring, I removed my father’s pale, crushed corpse. He was frozen solid. “A Pop-sicle,” I muttered, and Cassie shot me a glance compounded of both shock and amusement.

Opening to First Corinthians, Ockham recited words I’d heard in a thousand Hollywood burial scenes.

“Behold, I show you a mystery: we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible…”

Cassie and I wrapped the lifeboat anchor around Dad’s waist and hoisted his iron-hard body onto the rail. The anchor hung between his legs like a codpiece. We pushed. He fell, crashing into the black lake. Even with the extra weight, he stayed on the surface for over a minute, drifting slowly toward God’s brow.

“Farewell, sailor,” I said, thinking how good it would feel to get back inside and savor a mug of Follingsbee’s jamoke.

“ ‘Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory,’ ” Ockham intoned as Dad dropped from view, legs first, then torso, head, and hair. “ ‘O death, where is thy sting?’ ” said the priest, and I found myself wondering whether the Maracaibo’s main pantry held any doughnuts. “ ‘O grave, where is thy victory?’ ”

And, in fact, it did.

Jelly, glazed, and sugar.

Cupping his gloves around the railing, Neil Weisinger joined the solemn little march down the gangway. Gingerly he crossed the slippery pier, one cautious step at a time. By 1715 the whole company stood on the ice, officers and crew alike, shuffling about in the harsh light, puffs of breath streaming from their mouths like dialogue balloons.

When Neil saw how the angels had prepared the crypt, a chill of recognition shot through him; he thought immediately of the Labor Day barbecue he’d attended two years earlier at the home of his neighbor, Dwight Gorka, a joyless celebration that reached its nadir when Dwight’s cat, Pumpkin, was run over by a Federal Express truck. Responding instantly to his preschool daughter’s grief, Dwight had nailed together a plywood coffin, dug a hole in the stiff Teaneck earth, and laid the poor cat to rest. Before her father shoveled back the dirt, little Emily packed the grave with all the things Pumpkin would need during his journey to cat heaven — his water dish (filled), a can of Friskies Fancy Feast (opened), and, most importantly, his favorite toy, a plastic bottle cap he’d spent many mindless feline hours batting around the house.

The north wall of the crypt featured six immense niches, each sheltering a product God had evidently held in high regard. The forward searchlight struck the colossal carcass of a blue whale, a form at once ponderous and sleek. The amidships beacon swept across the soaring hulk of a sequoia tree, limned the wrinkled remains of an African bull elephant, glinted off a stuffed marlin, ignited a family of embalmed grizzly bears, and, finally, came to rest on a frozen hippopotamus (quite possibly descended, Neil mused, from the hippos his grandfather had helped transport from Africa to France). Directly ahead, a cabinet constructed entirely of ice rose nearly twenty feet. He extended his sleeve, wiping frost and condensation from the transparent doors. He peered inside. Every shelf was jammed with items from the divine portfolio, bottle after bottle. Monarch butterfly… chunk of jade… divot blooming with Kentucky bluegrass… orchid… praying mantis… Maine lobster… human brain… king cobra… cricket… sparrow… nugget of igneous rock.

Spontaneously, the Mourner’s Kaddish formed on Neil’s lips. “Yitgadal veyitkadash shemei raba bealma divera chireutei…” Let the glory of God be extolled, let His great name be hallowed, in the world whose creation He willed…

Drawing up beside Neil, Cassie Fowler jerked a thumb toward the trophy cabinet. “God’s greatest hits.”

“You’re not very religious, are you?”