Towing Jehovah

A gamey fragrance wafted across the bridge wing. Then: a low, deep drumming. I pivoted toward the beach.

And there it was, the glorious promontory of His nose, rising in the distance like Mount Sinai itself. My migraine vanished. My blood jumped. The drumming continued, the steady boom-boom-boom of surf crashing inside His armpits.

Whether this amazing break ultimately traces to rogue winds, maverick currents, chaos theory, or some posthumous form of divine intervention, I can’t really say.

I only know He’s back.

After considerable soul-searching and much mental agony, Thomas decided to start with the bosom. Given its vastness, he reasoned, mutilating this feature would constitute a lesser violation than an equivalent assault on the brow or cheeks. Even so, he was not at peace. Situational ethics had always given him pause. Were the Valparaíso not cut off from the outside world, Thomas would certainly have faxed Rome, soliciting the cardinals’ official views on deophagy.

The eight loyalists and their captain made the crossing in the Juan Fernandez and, maneuvering past the starboard ribs, landed on the inflatable wharf. Shouldering their various backpacks and seabags, they fought their way up the Jacob’s ladder, and, led by Van Horne, began the dizzying hike east across the collarbone and south along the sternum. Pots and pans swung from the loyalists’ belts like gigantic jail keys, clanging in counterpoint to the thunder booming from His armpits.

At last they reached the edge of the areola, a red, rubbery pasture dominated by the tall, pillarlike form of the nipple. Thomas stopped, turned, removed his Panama hat. He bade his congregation sit down. Everyone obeyed, even Van Horne, though the captain kept his distance, secluding himself in the shadow of a mole.

Opening his knapsack, Thomas drew out the sacred hardware: candlesticks, chalice, ciborium, silver salver, antependium (the pride of his collection, pure silk, printed with the Stations of the Cross). The congregation awaited the sacrament eagerly but respectfully — all except Van Horne and Cassie Fowler, who both looked highly a

Sister Miriam reached into her seabag and removed the altar: a situational-ethics altar, he had to admit, for in truth it was a Coleman stove fueled by propane gas. While Miriam unfolded the aluminum legs and dug them into the soft epidermis, Thomas spread out the antependium like a picnic blanket, fastening the corners with candlesticks.

“Can’t he move any faster?” grumbled Fowler.

“He’s doing his best,” snapped Miriam.

As Sam Follingsbee handed the nun a battery-powered carving knife, Crock O’Co

Thomas hunkered down. He yanked the starter cord. Instantly the chain saw kicked in, buzzing like a horror-movie hornet. Clouds of black smoke poured from the engine housing. Groaning softly, the priest lowered the saw, firmed his grip, and stabbed his Creator.

He jerked the saw away.

“What’s the matter?” gasped Miriam.

It simply wasn’t right. How could it be right? “Better to starve,” he muttered.

“Tom, you must.”

“No.”

“Tom.”

Again he lowered the saw. The spi

He raised the saw.

“Hurry,” rasped Lou Chickering.

“Please,” moaned Marbles Rafferty.

He eased the smoking machine back into the wound. Languidly, reluctantly, he dragged the blade along a horizontal path. Then a second cut, at right angles to the first. A third. A fourth. Peeling away the patch of epidermis, he inserted the saw clear to the engine housing and began his quest for true meat.

“Pleni sunt caeli et terra gloria Tua,” Miriam recited as she primed the altar. Heaven and earth are full of Thy glory. Opening a box of Diamond kitchen matches, she ignited a stick, cupped the vulnerable flame, and lit the right-hand burner. “Hosa

The fog hissed as it hit the little fire. Miriam seized Pollingsbee’s eighteen-inch iron skillet and set it atop the burner.

“Meum corpus enim est hoc,” muttered Thomas, cutting and slashing as he desacralized the tissues, “omnes hoc ex manducate et accipite.” As heavy magenta blood came bubbling to the surface, Miriam took the chalice, knelt down, and scooped up several pints. “Omnes eo ex bibite et accipite,” said the priest, filtering the holiness from the blood. He kept working the saw, at last freeing up a three-pound swatch of flesh.

It had to be this way. No other choice existed. If he didn’t do it, Van Horne would.

Shutting off the vibrating blade, he carried the fillet to the altar and dropped it into the skillet. The meat sizzled, pink juices rushing from its depths. A wondrous scent arose, the sweet aroma of seared divinity, making Thomas’s mouth water.

“It’s done,” seethed Cassie Fowler. “It’s fucking done.”

“Patience,” snarled Miriam.

“Christ on a raft…”

Sixty seconds passed. Thomas grabbed the spatula and flipped the fillet. A matter of balances: he must heat the thing long enough to kill the pathogens, but not so long as to destroy the precious proteins for which their bodies screamed.

“What’s next?” snorted Van Horne.

“The Fraction of the Host,” said Miriam.

“Screw it,” he said.

“Screw you,” she said.

Sliding the spatula under the meat, Thomas transferred it to the silver salver. He took a breath and, switching on the carving knife, divided the great steak into nine equal portions, each the size of a brownie. “Haec commixtio,” he said, slicing a tiny bit off his own share, “corporis et sanguinis Dei” — with the particle he made the Sign of the Cross over the chalice and dropped it in — “fiat accipientibus nobis.” May this mingling of the body and blood of God be effectual to us who receive it. “Amen.”

“Stop stretching it out,” gasped Fowler.

“This is sadistic,” whined Van Horne.

“If you don’t like it,” said Miriam, “find another church.”

Squeezing his portion between thumb and forefinger, feeling the sticky warmth roll across his palm, Thomas raised it to his lips. He opened his mouth. “Perceptio corporis Tui, Domine, quod ego indignus sumere praesumo, non mihi proveniat in con-demnationem.” Let not the partaking of Thy body, O Lord, which I, though unworthy, presume to receive, turn to my condemnation. He sank his teeth into the meat. He chewed slowly and gulped. The flavor astonished him. He’d been expecting something manifestly classy and valuable — London broil, perhaps, or milk-fed veal — but instead it evoked Follingsbee’s version of a Big Mac.

And the priest thought: of course. God had been for everyone, hadn’t He? He’d belonged to the fast-food multitudes, to all those overweight mothers Thomas was forever seeing in the Bronxdale Avenue McDonald’s, ordering Happy Meals for their chubby broods.