Bite Me

“Have you been washed in the blood?” said Clint, the born-again ex-heroin addict to the detectives as they entered the butcher shop. He gri

“Inspector, these guys say they’re supposed to meet you here,” said the younger of the uniforms, a gaunt, Hispanic guy named Muñez.

Rivera shook his head.

“He started it,” said Lash Jefferson. “We were just minding our own business, and he rolled up on us all badass.”

Rivera looked at the Asian officer, John Tan, who he’d worked with before when investigating a murder in Chinatown and had needed a translator. “What happened?”

Tan shook his head and pushed his hat back on his head with the end of his riot baton. “Nobody’s hurt. It’s beef and pig blood. The butcher says these guys attacked a little old Japanese man, a regular customer, because he had bought the last of the beef blood.”

“We needed it for bait,” said Lash. “You know, Inspector, like beer for slugs.” He winked.

“You attacked an old man because he bought the last cow blood?” asked Cavuto.

“He attacked us,” said Troy Lee. “We were just defending ourselves.”

“He had a sword,” said Drew, who turned back around quickly.

Officer Tan rolled his eyes at Rivera. “The butcher says the old man had a stick of some kind. He used it to defend himself.”

“Just because he didn’t draw it out of the scabbard doesn’t meant it wasn’t a sword,” said Jeff, the tall, blond jock.

“It was a battle of honor,” said Troy Lee.

“One little old guy with a stick, seven of you?” said Rivera. “Honor?”

“He told my grandma to suck his dick,” said Troy.

“Still,” said Cavuto.

“But she said okay,” Troy said.

“That shit is just wrong,” said Lash.

Grandma, who was standing with the other outraged, blood-splattered customers across the butcher shop, fired off a volley of Cantonese at the policemen. Rivera looked to Officer Tan for translation.

“She says she misunderstood what he was saying because his accent was so bad.”

“Don’t care,” said Rivera. “Where’s the guy with the alleged stick?”

“He ran out before we got here,” said Tan. “We called in backup, but we put the responding unit on finding the victim, when these guys didn’t resist.”

“Resistance is futile,” said Clint in a robot voice.

“I thought you were Christian,” said Cavuto.

“What, I can’t love Jesus and Star Trek?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Rivera, let’s just arrest these morons and-”

Rivera held up his hand for silence. “Officer Tan, I’m afraid I do need them. You have their names if the stick guy shows up and wants to press charges. Have all those people leave their names with the butcher. These guys will pay for their dry cleaning.”

“Yes, sir,” said Tan. “They’re all yours. You want me to clip the restraints?”

“Nope,” said Rivera. “Come along, boys.” He led the Animals, their hands cuffed behind their backs, out of the butcher shop and into the flow of the Stockton Street sidewalk-a river of people.

“You’d better bring Troy Lee’s grandma,” said Lash, rolling to the side as a vendor with a handtruck full of crates bumped by.

“Yeah, Grandma has a secret weapon,” blurted out Troy Lee.

“I heard,” said Cavuto.

Jeff, the tall jock, said, “Hey, did anyone wonder why a little old Japanese guy would need eight quarts of animal blood?”

16. Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, Nosferatu

Well, that was dramatic. Ro

I know, très cool, non? So, now that I am a dark and beautiful creature of unspeakable evil, I think I’m going to start a pay-subscription blog. Except I can only, like, advertise darkness and unspeakable evil, because I’m totally starting from the begi

Boobs? Still pathetic. I had so hoped to swoop down on Foo and totally flash my awesome vampyre cleavage on him. You know, like put on a bustier and really squish the girls out the top, then be all: BAM! “Check it out, Foo. Cower before killer décolletage, and beg me to let you rub your handsome ninja face on it.” But no! Now he’ll be all, “Oh, it looks like you dropped a couple of dimes down your shirt, vamp child. Can I help you with those?”

So I suffer.

And you can’t get implants. I saw what happens when the Animals’ blue hooker turned vampyre. You wake up and your implants are on the floor and you’re all, “Hey, I blew like a hundred strangers to get those.” I’m only estimating. I’m sure the number of strangers will vary depending on prevailing suck and surgical rates in your area. (You acquire arcane medical knowledge when your mother is a nurse.) You can’t have stuff removed either, you know, if that might be needed.

Even my makeup is ruined from where Ro

But Ro

And then she burned one-right in my face-one of those foul, vegan farts-because she’s been a vegan ever since she had head lice and we shaved her head. (I don’t know why. Something about garlic and parasites. She’s insane.) ’Kayso, I decided that I could wait to receive the dark gift, and that Ro