Divine Misfortune

“I couldn’t remember which was the moose room, Master.”

Gorgoz popped open a beer and took a bite of his sandwich. “Phil, you gotta try this mustard. It’s fantastic!”

He glanced over at Phil, who was just starting to turn blue.

“Whoops.”

The snakes transformed into spotted tarantulas and skittered away.

“How embarrassing,” said Gorgoz. “Hate to kill him before I’ve had more fun with him.”

“Indeed,” said Worthington.

Gorgoz threw a robe to the wheezing Phil.

“Are you a betting man?” asked the chaos god.

Phil shook his head. “Not really.”

“Well, dammit, Phil. What vices do you have? You’re not giving me much to work with. How about a small wager anyway? If I win, then someone dies. Not you, but someone precious to you. Your wife perhaps?”

“But-”

“Did I mention I’m a liar? But if you’re going to be such a prissy little spoilsport, I guess we could wager on your right arm. If you win, you keep it. If I win…”

He snapped his fingers at Worthington.

“Fetch our game of Mouse Trap and be quick about it. And bring some of that spicy mustard back with you.”

Gorgoz licked his lips.

“Just in case.”

25

The first thing Janet did was give Teri a hug.

“I’m so sorry, hon.”

“Why are we still here?” Syph asked Bo

“We’ll find a way to fix this,” said Janet.

“He’s probably already dead,” remarked Syph. “Or worse.”

The mortals glared.

“What? I’m just saying what everyone is already thinking.”

“Being the goddess of heartbreak doesn’t give you the right to be an insensitive bitch,” said Bo

“What about my sympathy? My revenge was ruined today. And I was really looking forward to it.”

The mortals went inside and shut the door on her.

Syph huffed, transformed into a rain cloud, and slipped under the door to follow. In cloud form, she hovered before Quetzalcoatl.

“Hello, Syph,” he said icily.

“Hello, Quick,” she replied. “Still bumming off Lucky’s followers, I see.”

“Still obsessing over Lucky’s girlfriends, I see.”

She darkened and rumbled.

“Would you mind changing into something less rainy?” he asked. “You’re ruining the carpet.”

Syph transformed into her human form. She joined everyone in the living room.

“I should never have agreed to it,” said Teri. “If I hadn’t agreed…”

“Shush, hon,” said Janet. “There’ll be plenty of time for blame later. After we get Phil back.”

Syph laughed.

“Who is she?” asked Teri.

“She’s just another stupid goddess,” said Bo

“Wrong,” said Quick.

Everyone looked to him, surprised to see him defending her.

“She’s not just another stupid goddess,” he explained. “She’s exactly the stupid goddess we need.”

Smiling, he slithered beside Syph. “Do you want to know why Lucky and Gorgoz had their falling-out?”

He put a wing around her.

Syph said, “Oh, this can’t still be about that. Who could hold a grudge this long over a silly little thing a few thousand years ago?”

“Why don’t you tell them all about that silly little thing?”

“I really don’t see how it’s any of their business.”

“Syph…”

“Oh, all right. But it was a very long time ago. I hardly remember it at all. I had so many suitors back then. I can’t be expected to place significance on all of them.” She lowered her voice, as if admitting something she’d rather not. “Gorgoz and I used to date.”

“You went out with that guy?” asked Janet.

“I dated chaos and death gods almost exclusively for a few centuries. Hades, Ahzuulrah, Frush’ee’aghov the Lesser, Shalim, Tezcatlipoca, Nyx.”

Quick raised an eye ridge with the last one.

“Hey, it was the dawn of time,” said Syph. “Everybody was experimenting a little. So I went through a bad-boy phase. Gorgoz came near the end of it. We only went on a few dates. Nothing special.”

“But…” said Quick, encouraging her to continue.

“But… he didn’t want to end things. The sap wouldn’t take no for an answer. Kept on pestering me. What a loser, right?”

Everyone replied with silence, and Syph continued, oblivious to the irony.

“Eventually, I’d had enough. So I told him that I was in love with someone else and that he would just have to accept that. Poor guy took it hard, I guess. Who could blame him? I was the most desirable goddess in all of creation. He vowed revenge on my love, swearing to destroy all of the god’s followers, then the god himself, then all of the universe if that was what it took to convince me of his devotion.”

She sighed.

“Kind of sweet, actually. In a mad-lord-of-oblivion sort of way.”

Bo

Syph glowered.

“This is all because of a divine love triangle?” asked Teri.

“I’m not sure it’s a true love triangle,” said Janet. “More like a love one-way street.”

“It’s like an episode of a bad teen drama. It might even be fu

“It’s complicated.”

“No, it’s not,” said Teri. “You have to go talk to Gorgoz, explain things to him so that he’ll stop this ridiculous vendetta and give me back my husband.”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t do that.”

“I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you.”

“You’re giving me orders?” Syph chuckled. “You’re fortunate I find that so amusing. Otherwise, I’d kill you where you stood.”

“Go ahead,” said Teri. “Smite me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m inviting you to smite me. They all heard me. So go ahead and smite me.”

“I will not be taunted.” I’m waiting.

“Hold on,” said Bo

“You’re damn right I’m upset.”

Teri pushed Bo

“You better smite me. Because if you don’t, I’m going to chase you to the ends of the Earth. I’ll come after you. I’ll make deals with any gods I have to and do whatever is necessary to bring you down. If you think your endless life is miserable now, just give me some time.”

Syph raised her hand. Dark power danced on her fingertips. Teri stood defiant before the goddess, who reached for her.

Quick grabbed Syph’s wrist.

“Time out on the pissing contest, ladies.”

“Stay out of this,” they replied in unison.

“Love to, but I can’t. I think we’re losing sight of the big picture here. Syph, Teri might be asking for a smiting, but she’s also right that this thing with Lucky and Gorgoz has gone on way too long. And, Teri, railing against the heavens in noble defiance might satisfy some self-destructive mortal impulse you’re struggling with, but it never ends well.

“So here’s what we’re going to do. Syph and I are going to have a talk with Gorgoz, straighten things out like reasonable deities, put a stop to this absurd cycle, and, most importantly, get Phil back.”

“I’m not agreeing to this,” said Syph.

“Yes, you are. Because you know it’s the right thing to do. For Phil, and you, and Gorgoz, and Lucky. It’s the right thing to do for everybody when it comes right down to it.”

“Fine, but in return I demand the following tribute from everyone present.”

Quick said, “No tribute. See, when something’s the right thing to do, you don’t do it for a reward.”

It was clear to everyone that Syph didn’t understand that concept. But Quick assured them that he’d explain it more thoroughly on the way.

“Great. I’ll get my keys,” said Teri. “I’m driving.”