Divine Misfortune

22

Teri and Phil didn’t talk about it.

Janet left. They didn’t ask where she was going. They spoke with several agents. They couldn’t recall the details of the conversation other than some vague reassurances that Divine Affairs was “on top of the situation” and that everything “would be resolved shortly.” Then the agents left, too.

And Teri and Phil, very deliberately, didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk about Lucky, still lost somewhere in the collective unconscious. They didn’t talk about the wreckage just outside their front door. They didn’t talk about Gorgoz’s offer. They exchanged maybe twenty words over the next few hours on no topic more uncomfortable than their favorite flavor of Hot Pockets. They were watching television when Phil finally dared to say something.

“We can’t take the offer,” he said.

“I know,” she replied.

Another twenty minutes passed without another uttered word. They even had the TV on mute. They watched the actors go about their business without really caring.

“We can’t take it,” Teri said.

“I know,” he agreed. He paused. “We can’t.”

This was how it went for another two hours. One of them would remark that they couldn’t take Gorgoz’s offer, and the other would agree. But there would be a pause between the first observation and the second. And it would be longer every time.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “This is all my fault.”

“No, it isn’t. It’s mine.”

“If I hadn’t brought it up in the first place…”

“Yes, but if I hadn’t changed my mind…”

“You’re right,” he said with a forced smile. “It is your fault.”

She wanted to laugh, but snorted. “And they say chivalry is dead.”

He kissed her forehead.

“We’re screwed, baby.”

“Yeah,” she said. “We’re screwed. We can’t take the offer.”

“No, we can’t. We can’t trust him to hold up his end of the deal. He even admitted it.”

“Even if he did,” said Teri, “I couldn’t live with myself. Any favor we’d get from him would’ve been paid for by someone else’s blood. Somewhere.”

The favor of Gorgoz didn’t come without a price. He was a god of death and chaos, and there had to be consequences to taking him on. Things they couldn’t conceive of. Gods were a deceptive bunch. Lucky had lied by omission, but at least he hadn’t been out to screw them. Not like Gorgoz most likely was.

Teri went to the bathroom.

Phil paced around the coffee table a few times.

“Damn.”

He ran outside before he could think too much about this.

“I know you’re out here!” he shouted. “I know you’re watching! Show yourself!”

A red spotted pigeon with blue eyes settled on the uprooted tree on Phil’s lawn.

“No need to shout,” the bird said with Gorgoz’s voice. “So have you come to a decision?”

“It’s a deal,” Phil said, “but only for me.”

The pigeon cackled. “Lovely. Selling out your friends to spare yourself. How delightfully self-serving. You’ll go far in my organization.”

“No,” said Phil. “You take me, but you leave them out of this. You leave them alone, never bother them again.”

The pigeon cocked its head and fluffed up its breast. “You dare dictate terms to me?”

“None of this is their fault. This is all because of me. We wouldn’t even know Lucky if I hadn’t brought this up in the first place. I started this. I have to finish it.”

“How noble.” The pigeon took a moment to preen its wings. “You’re an eager and shortsighted mortal, Mr. Robinson. I like that in a follower.”

Phil glanced at the front door. He couldn’t have much time left.

“Do we have a deal then?” asked Phil.

Teri opened the front door. “What are you doing out here?”

“Do we have a deal?”

The pigeon chuckled. “We have a deal.”

A tremor shook the earth as the pigeon grew into a giant bat.

“Oh no,” said Teri. “What did you do, Phil? What did you do, you idiot?”

The bat folded its wings around Phil.

“Everything will be okay now,” said Phil.

“You son of a bitch,” she said. “Don’t you dare pull that noble sacrifice bullshit!”

The bat launched itself into the sky, leaving the cold chuckle of Gorgoz hanging over the backyard for a long time.

23

By the time Lucky and Quick managed to navigate their way out of the collective unconscious, it was early morning. They floated in Lucky’s globe of flying light and landed on the front porch of Phil and Teri’s house. Neither god remarked on the destruction in the neighborhood or the dirty looks the mortals threw their way.

“Hey, kids,” said Lucky as he threw open the door. “Great news! I think we finally have a handle on this thing.”

The living room was in disarray. Several boxes had been brought in and torn open, their contents spilled across the floor. Old photos and random scraps of paper, stuffed animals, and other odds and ends occupied most of the space around the couch and coffee table.

Teri was curled up on the couch, snoring.

“Has she been drinking?” asked Quick.

Lucky righted the bottle of scotch tipped over on the coffee table. Half the scotch was spilled in a puddle on the carpet.

“Teri, Teri.” Lucky shook her gently. “Wake up. It’s okay now. I’m back.”

She opened her eyes halfway and dimly focused on him.

“This is all your fault,” she mumbled.

“I know, and I’m going to fix it.”

She laughed uncontrollably. “Fix it? Fix it! You can’t fix anything!” Her laughter turned desperate, almost delirious, as tears ran down her face. “You’re the god of prosperity. How could you have screwed it all up so completely?”

“I know you’re upset but there’s no need to get personal.”

“He’s gone! Phil’s gone! And it’s all your fault!”

She pushed Lucky away and turned her back to him.

“Go away. You can’t do anything else to us.”

“I’m sure he’ll come back,” said Lucky. “Mortals can be rash, but I’m sure he’ll realize how much he loves you.”

Quick shoved Lucky aside. “Geez, you are an insensitive idiot sometimes.”

“I was trying to be comforting.”

“You really don’t know these people at all. Phil isn’t the kind of guy to run off like this. He’s not that selfish. He’s also not that stupid. He knows that wherever he runs, Gorgoz would still find him.”

“He took the deal,” said Teri, mumbling into the sofa cushions. “That goddamn moron took Gorgoz’s deal. I should’ve known.” She rolled over and stared at the ceiling. “He always was a sexist bastard, opening doors and paying for dates. That should’ve been my first clue. I bet he couldn’t wait to do his alpha male protector bit when he finally had the chance. What does he think I am? A helpless princess who can’t fend for herself? It’s insulting.”

“I’m sure he meant well,” said Lucky.

“What an asshole,” she grumbled.

“Who?” asked Lucky. “Me or Phil?”

“Maybe you should get something to eat,” said Quick, “while Teri and I sort through the details.”

“I’m not really hungry.”

Quick made a sharp pointing gesture toward the kitchen.

“Fine. I guess I could eat a sandwich. Hey, Teri, we don’t have any bologna, do we?”

Quick repeated the gesture.

“Never mind. I’m sure I’ll find something,” Lucky mumbled as he left the room. “Like not answering a simple bologna question will bring back Phil. I swear, these mortals are so egocentric.”

“Want to talk about it?” asked Quick.

“What’s left to talk about?” She sat up and made a feeble effort to fix her frazzled hair. “And why would I want to talk to you about it? You’re just as bad as any of them.”

“Maybe.” He coiled beside her and put a wing around her shoulder. “I’m not perfect. None of us are. All we can do is try, right? And hope we don’t screw things up too badly.”