Divine Misfortune

“Commitment issues? That’s your deep metaphorical insight? Hell, I could’ve told you that.”

“Ah, but here’s the catch,” said Teri. “Sometimes, even when you don’t mean to, even when you do your best to avoid it, you end up liking the banana-and-chocolate soda. A lot. And the soda likes you back. A lot. And then, before you know it, even when you didn’t want it, you find yourself looking forward to cracking open your favorite soda. And worrying about if they ever stop making it.”

“Can we ditch the metaphor at this point?”

“Okay, but you know I’m right.”

Janet glowered. “Okay, so maybe you’re right. So what?”

“So… nothing. Just an observation. Just so you know, I think Lucky really does like you a lot. And not just in that divine-infatuation way.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Janet smiled, then frowned, then smiled. “Crap.”

“Welcome to a relationship,” said Teri. “Whether you like it or not.”

“You don’t have to be so happy about it.”

“Sorry. I just think it’s fu

“So what am I supposed to do now? I’ve never really been in a… well, one of these things. Not even with a mortal.”

“Play it by ear,” said Teri. “That’s how everybody else does it.”

“And doesn’t that usually screw everything up?”

“Usually.”

Janet ran her fingers along her necklace and slouched. Crap.

Someone cleared his throat. It was Lucky. He stood on the table. Actually, he hovered a few inches over it, in a transparent projected form.

“Help me, Obi-Wan. You’re my only hope.”

The hologram chuckled.

“Sorry, I just always wanted to do that. Just thought I’d check in. Quick and I are lost in the collective unconscious right now. But we’ve got it figured out. A singing taco drew us a map on the back of a napkin.”

He cocked his head to one side and listened to a voice only he could hear.

“No, Quick, that’s not a turn. That’s just when the pen slipped. Remember?” He scratched his head and turned his attention back toward Teri and Janet. “So it might take a while longer than anticipated, but we’ll get out eventually. Just hang in there, kids. We’re on it. Quick says hi by the way.”

He started to fade.

“How long were you standing there?” asked Janet.

“Technically, I’m not standing here,” he replied. “I’m just projecting.”

“How long?”

“Not long.” He looked a little embarrassed, but that could’ve been her imagination.

The doorbell rang. Teri answered it.

“Hello,” said the stooped, withered old man. “Have you considered the value of changing your religion?”

“About once every three minutes,” she said.

“Close the door,” said Lucky’s projection. “Close it now, Teri.”

The man stuck his foot in the doorjamb, to keep her from getting the door shut. His shoes sizzled and burned with a sulfurous, yellow smoke. He didn’t seem to mind. With one thin arm, he threw the door open, knocking Teri into Phil’s arms.

“You can’t enter here,” said Lucky. “This is my temple.”

Gorgoz’s mortal disguise cracked. He gri

“You have to get out of here,” said Lucky. “Right now.”

The skeleton raised his skull. “Oh, but we were just getting acquainted. What’s the rush?” He stood. By the time he was back on his feet, his flesh and suit had re-formed. His liver spots had doubled in size, and his skin had turned a mottled puke green. And his eyes were two bloodshot orbs. He still smoldered, but the rate of regeneration had equalized, evening things out. The smell of burning flesh, along with his natural rotten-fish odor, was nauseating.

“I’m warning you,” said Lucky, “if you harm one hair on these mortals’ heads-”

“You’ll what? Hmmm. You’ll what? You’re not even here. And even if you were, you couldn’t stop me. Your favor is as worthless as the rest of the pathetic gods, shackled by the rules and regulations you’ve surrendered to. So why don’t you do us all a favor and shut up? I’m trying to have a civilized conversation here.”

The mortals eyed all the possible exits. Gorgoz snapped his fingers, and every door and window closed and locked. And for that extra touch, he materialized various venomous serpents to guard them. Except for the front door, where he placed a two-headed mutant beast, something between a bear and a shark. The malformed creature was awkward, more likely to roll over people trying to exit than actually bite them. But that would have been just as fatal.

A cloud of buzzing locusts covered every window of the house, allowing just enough sunlight to keep the interior in shadowy twilight.

“It’ll be okay,” said Lucky. “Everything will be okay.”

Gorgoz rolled his eyes. Considering the size of them, it was quite a feat. He waved his hand at Lucky. The projection faded away.

“He won’t be bothering us for a while.” Gorgoz gestured toward the sofa. “Have a seat.”

The mortals hesitated.

“If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead by now. Well, probably not by now. But you’d be on your way to dead, and you’d know it.” He tried to smile pleasantly, but it only came across as hungry and menacing, the best he could manage.

They sat. Gorgoz took a seat in the chair beside the sofa. His charred form blackened the upholstery. Claws had sprung from his fingertips and a touch of slime dripped from his pores.

“Never really was very good at the mortal-disguise business.”

In a flash, he sat before them in his true form, a seven-foot-tall, lanky god wrapped in a tattered bathrobe.

“You’re probably wondering why you’re not dead yet.”

They nodded.

“Oh, sure. I could kill you right now. Allow your useless god to project and then slay you right in front of him. And yes, it would be worth a laugh.”

He gazed dreamily into the distance and smiled wistfully.

“No, no. Everyone keeps insisting this is a more civilized age. And I can play along. Sure, I can. Rather than kill you, I’ve decided to show you that even I can be… reasonable.”

He leaned forward and interlaced his fingers.

“How would you like to renounce your god and take me on as your new lord and master? Hmmm? Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

An awkward moment of silence filled the room.

“Oh, don’t all speak up all at once.” Gorgoz heaved a sigh. “I get it. You are all”-he made air quotes-” nice people. You’re not the kinds of mortals to normally sign up with a god of chaos and death. And normally, such as you are beneath my notice. But I’m adaptable. And I want you to join my team.”

There was another quiet moment.

“Any questions?” asked Gorgoz. “Any questions at all? I promise I won’t bite your heads off.” He leaned back and studied his claws. “I usually like to start with the limbs.”

Janet said, “Why us?”

“A fair question. And I’ll give you an honest answer. I’ve killed or had killed a few hundred of Lucky’s followers over the centuries. And I could devour you all now, and it would amuse me. But I came upon an idea that would amuse me more. Why slay you when I can steal you away?

“I know what you’re thinking. What’s the catch? What do you have to do to convince me of your sincerity? And here’s the best part.” Gorgoz cleared his throat and smiled. “All I’m asking in return is absolutely nothing. That’s right. Not a drop of spilled blood or a single dime. Not a prayer or an inconvenient, arbitrary behavioral inhibition. Not a single act of tribute. You won’t have to do a thing different than how you’re living your life now and in return, you shall have my favor. Your enemies shall perish. Wealth will fall into your laps. And every desire you could ever ask for will be yours until your weak mortal bodies finally succumb to their inevitable frailty. And all you have to do is renounce your god and proclaim me as your new lord.”