Divine Misfortune

They nodded.

Lucky transformed in a flash into a hulking raccoon monster, as big as a bull, with slavering jaws, fearsome tusks, and burning red eyes.

“Blasphemers!” He stomped his feet with a crack of thunder. “Thou hast rejected thy god and roused mine righteous fury.” He roared, blasting them with his hot breath and divine saliva. “Prepare thyselves for the Hell of Great, Nibbly Agonies and an eternity of great and… uh… nibbly…” Lucky’s burning eyes furrowed.

“Agonies,” finished Phil timidly.

He changed back into his raccoon form and winked.

“You got moxie, kids.”

“You aren’t going to smite us?” asked Phil.

“No, I was just having some fun. You should’ve seen your faces. Half-fear, half-confusion. It was like one part of you was afraid for your life and the other couldn’t believe you were about to be eaten by a giant raccoon.” He chuckled. “Priceless.”

He grabbed the chicken bone, picked off the carpet fuzz, and sucked on it.

“Don’t worry. I don’t plan on any smiting, though it is well within my rights. But I’m not that kind of god. Never was a casual smiter. Sure, I’ve smote a few mortals in my day. I’m not proud of it, but it was back in the old days. Everyone was doing it, and I just wanted to be cool. But I’m past that sort of heavy-handed disciplinary action. It’s good for a laugh occasionally, but I don’t want to be your god because you’re afraid of me. I want us to be buddies, compadres. Heck, we’re practically family.

“But I’m not going to force myself on you. I don’t need to. You’ll see the benefits of having me around soon enough. You don’t want to put me up for the night, that’s cool. Though I did notice you have a very nice guest room. But I’ll leave. No smiting. No wrath. Providing you make me a sandwich at least.”

Teri made a bologna-and-ham offering for their new god.

Lucky stood beside his luggage on the porch. “Extra mustard. Just like I like it.” He saluted. “I’ll be seeing you, kids. Hopefully sooner than later, but that’s your call. Thanks for the sandwich. Verily, I am pleased. I suggest you check under your couch cushions.”

A luminous ball of light enveloped the god and his luggage.

“Wait,” said Phil, “uh, please, sir.”

The light faded, and Lucky raised a brow.

“Is there a way you’d prefer for us to contact you?” asked Phil. “Like a special prayer or chant or something?”

“Oh, right. Almost forgot.” Lucky reached into his pocket and handed them a business card. “You can reach me at this number when you’re ready to commit. But don’t call before noon.” He put on his sunglasses with a smile. “I like to sleep in.”

The sphere of light engulfed him. He shot skyward and sailed off into the horizon.

Phil and Teri flipped the cushions, revealing thousands of coins. Enough to cover the entire surface. Mostly pe

Phil shook the change jar. “Not a bad exchange for a sandwich.”

“Maybe we should’ve asked him to stay,” said Teri.

“You’re the one who didn’t want him here.”

“I know, but now I feel kind of bad about it.”

They put the cushions back and sat. “I’m sure it isn’t that big of a deal.” He put his arm around Teri. “I thought for sure he was going to smite us.”

She laughed. “He seemed like a good guy. For a god. Why would he want to live with us?”

“He said he was down on his luck,” said Phil. “And I’ve heard that the rent on Mount Olympus is pretty steep.”

She elbowed him gently in the ribs. “Where did you hear that?”

“CNN had a special report a few months ago. Did you know that Odin bought a house in San Diego?”

“Seems a little su

“Probably got tired of all that snow.” Phil glanced around the room. “Have you seen the remote?” he asked. “I could’ve sworn I left it on the end table.”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up, honey.”

It didn’t. Neither gave it much thought at the time, but it was the begi

3

The next morning, Teri slipped in the shower. It wasn’t a serious fall, though she did bruise her tailbone and skin her calf on the faucet. Phil’s car had a flat tire, and when he tried to change it, he ended up stripping the lug nuts. Teri gave him a ride to work. She spilled coffee on her lap. It didn’t burn, but it did ruin her favorite skirt.

“I’ll pick you up around six,” she said as she gave him a kiss. “Love ya, babe.”

“Love you, too.” He stepped onto the curb, and she pulled away, tearing off the end of his sleeve, which was stuck in her door.

Grumbling, Phil trudged into the building. Hank, the security guard, remarked on Phil’s appearance. Some kind of joke that Phil didn’t catch, but he nodded and smiled anyway. As he was signing in, the pen broke. More accurately, it exploded, splattering his fingers and shirt with blue ink.

“Son of a…”

Hank handed Phil some paper towels. “Looks like you’re having one of those days, huh?”

Phil dabbed at the mess with the towels, accomplishing nothing. “What?”

“Hey, we all have them. One of those days when everything goes wrong.”

Phil lowered the towel.

“Something wrong?” asked Hank.

“No, everything’s fine. Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.”

His cell battery was dead.

Phil stopped at the row of elevators. People pushed past him, but he hesitated. So far the bad luck had been minor, but he saw no reason to tempt the wrath of his new god by getting into an elevator.

He took the stairs. One step at a time, very slowly, with a death grip on the railing. He made it to his cubicle without tearing any more clothes or breaking any bones.

Elliot peered over the cubicle’s edge. “Geez, buddy, you look like hell.”

“Long story.” Phil searched his wallet, but couldn’t find Lucky’s card.

“How’d that god search go?” asked Elliot. “Did you and Teri find one you agreed on?”

Phil nodded.

“So you did it?” Elliot came around and sat on Phil’s desk. “You actually did it.” Yes.

“I didn’t think you’d actually follow through with it, buddy.

I mean, I thought you might, but I was sure you weren’t going to be able to get Teri to commit.”

“She saw a miracle cat,” said Phil.

Elliot chuckled. He took a bite of his doughnut. Jelly squirted out and struck Phil in the eye.

“Dude, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How’s it working out?” asked Elliot.

Phil wiped the jelly from his face. “Not so great. I think I’ve been smote.”

“Already? That has to be a record.” Elliot tried to act casual, but exited the cubicle, continuing the conversation from a distance. “Should I be on the lookout for lightning bolts?”

“I don’t think it’s as serious as that,” said Phil. “My god isn’t that type.”

“Just the same, buddy, you should probably appease him before it’s too late. This kind of thing can get out of hand quickly. Did Teri catch any divine wrath?”

“I think so.”

“Bet she’s not happy about that.”

“I’ll let you know.”

Elliot went back to his cubicle, and Phil dialed Teri’s cell number. She didn’t answer. Her battery was probably dead, too. He decided not to panic. There was no need for it yet. All the smiting had been a

His imagination worked against him. He could see the wheel coming off her car, sending her skidding into the path of a speeding semi. Or her tripping at the top of a flight of stairs and falling. Or getting electrocuted by a fax machine. Or a million other grim possibilities. It was all luck in the end. If probability had it in for you, there wasn’t much you could do to stop it.