Divine Misfortune

“Presumptuous cow, you dare dictate terms to me?”

Syph’s skin paled, and her glowing red skeleton flashed. She pointed at Janet with a twisted finger and unleashed a mournful howl. The goddess focused her displeasure on her romantic rival.

Syph’s divine wrath battered against Lucky’s affections with the effectiveness of a rubber ball thrown against a mountain. Sensing all her power metaphorically rolling limply to her feet, Syph ground her fangs.

The fangs were new.

“Well, this has been a barrel of laughs,” Janet said, oblivious to the dark powers being focused against her. “But you should probably leave now.”

The goddess burned, but Lucky’s power kept her from mussing a single hair on Janet’s head. It also prevented any changes in her apartment. Anything that would cause the slightest discomfort to this mortal trollop was held in check. The moods and desires of gods reached out to affect their environments, but Syph’s were bottled up by Lucky’s superior power. Her jealousy and anger built up inside her in the form of godly constipation. The tightness in her guts put her in a worse mood, which triggered more rage, which continued to build up in a nasty cycle.

The most irksome detail was the bizarre revelation that Lucky must really care for Janet. Syph could feel the fortress of divine protection built from Lucky’s affections. And as long as that was in place, there was nothing Syph could do to Janet.

“The door is this way,” said Janet, without fear of the raging goddess.

Syph fantasized about pouncing on Janet and strangling the life from this mortal the old-fashioned way. But she hadn’t fallen that far yet, and direct smiting of that sort was prohibited in this day and age. Divine Affairs allowed her to ruin one mortal life at a time as long as she did so subtly. Bashing mortals over the head with her own hands, even if it was justified, would have consequences that even a fallen goddess should consider.

Syph had to leave this stifling apartment before all her bound-up wrath caused her to implode. She knew she wouldn’t explode because that would make a terrible mess, and Lucky’s protection would never allow that.

“I’m glad we had this little talk,” said Janet as she showed Syph out. “I’ll let Lucky know you dropped by.”

She slammed the door before Syph could say anything else.

Syph’s power surged outward. The earth rumbled. The sky darkened. Burning hail pelted the ground, setting the plants ablaze and scorching the grass. The foundation of a neighboring building in the complex collapsed, causing the structure to lean dangerously close to toppling.

None of these manifestations had any effect on Janet’s building. And though the sidewalk was broken and shattered, Syph was certain that Janet hadn’t felt so much as a tremor while nestled in her sanctuary.

It wouldn’t last. Lucky was a god, and the affections of the gods were fleeting. When Lucky finally grew bored with her, she would be vulnerable. Of course, then Syph’s jealousy would be meaningless, but she would still smite this arrogant mortal when that day came.

Syph was about to transmute into a molting dove and fly away when she sensed something, a disturbance in the metaphysical ether. She followed it to its source, a woman banging on an apartment door.

“Come on, Scott! I know you’re home! I just want my DVD player! It’s mine! You know it’s mine!”

Syph observed the woman for a few moments as she kicked the door and unleashed a torrent of vulgarities. Eventually, she smacked her head against the door and grumbled.

“Excuse me,” said Syph, “but is something wrong?”

The woman turned around. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to cause a racket. It’s just that I broke up with this asshole a few weeks ago. Well, he broke up with me…” She shrugged. “Never mind. I’m sure you don’t care.”

“Actually,” said Syph, “I do care. Perhaps you’d like to tell me about it.”

The woman hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m sure you mean well, but I’m not really looking for-”

“You’ve been wronged.”

“It’s just a DVD player,” said the woman.

“No, it isn’t. It’s the way he used you, the way he tossed you aside when he was done, the lies, the wasted time, the hundreds of little concessions you made to make it work that didn’t make one bit of difference in the end except to make your life harder.” Syph swallowed her own rage and forced a smile. “It’s never just a DVD player, is it?”

“No, I guess it isn’t.”

“I sense in you a lover wronged, a soul in need of divine aid. And I offer my services without obligation. Merely as a favor from one wronged soul to another. I’m the goddess of heartbreak and tragedy. But why don’t you just call me Syph?”

“I’m Christine.”

They sat on the front steps, and Christine told her story. It wasn’t unique. She’d met a guy, dated awhile. Then he’d dumped her. Syph knew that there was nothing tragic or noteworthy about Christine’s failed romance. That didn’t prevent the goddess from empathizing.

“That’s it,” said Christine. “It wasn’t a big deal. Wasn’t like we were pla

“No, it isn’t.”

Syph approached the apartment door.

“It’s locked,” said Christine.

“No earthly lock can prevent the rightful wrath of the scorned lover.”

Syph could’ve blown the door off its hinges or evaporated it or something equally dramatic. But she went the subtle route and turned the handle. The door opened.

Scott was in there, sitting on the couch, watching television. He looked up, potato chip crumbs nestled around the corner of his mouth. Before he could speak, Syph waved her hands to silence him.

“Foolish mortal!” she bellowed loudly enough to shake the walls. “You have wronged this woman, and I come bearing justice in her name and the name of all wronged lovers everywhere! Prepare to be cast into the pits of endless despair where unfathomable horrors shall tear at your flesh and nibble at your genitals beyond the end of time!”

Syph felt invigorated, energized. This was what she was meant to do. She gestured and opened a tear in the time/space continuum. The portal glowed bright green, putting a lime tint on everything in the apartment.

“And now… you…” She turned to Christine. “What was his name again?”

“Scott.”

“And now, Scott. For your transgressions against love, the most heinous and unforgivable act any mortal or god can perform, I cast you into oblivion!”

Syph seized him by the T-shirt and dragged him to the portal. He was still too stu

“Wait!” said Christine. “I didn’t think you were allowed to do things like this.”

“Technically, no,” said Syph. “But who is going to tell?”

“I didn’t want this.”

The goddess paused. “But he wronged you.”

“It was just a bad relationship. They happen all the time. Wasn’t even really a relationship.”

“But what about your DVD player?” asked Syph. “Doesn’t it make you mad?”

Christine said, “Well, yeah. It is my DVD player. But I don’t know if that warrants being thrown into Hell. Heck, it’s not even that good a DVD player. Sometimes, it has trouble reading discs.”

“It’s true!” shouted Scott. “That thing is a piece of crap! Never worked right!”

Syph glared. The beasts in the pit howled for his blood.

“Okay, so I should’ve given it back,” he replied. “I’m sorry. I really am. And I’m sorry about that time I got drunk and made out with your sister. Or that time I missed your birthday to go to Atlantic City with the guys so I lied and said my grandma was sick and I needed to fly out of town to see her. And I know I shouldn’t have borrowed two hundred bucks for car repairs when it was really to put the down payment on a big-screen TV, and I can’t blame you for hating me for that time I ran over your mom’s cat and threw it in the garbage before anyone noticed, and-”