First Channel

"I know. He's learning. We're all learning, Del. It's going to take lots of time—but we're really onto something."

"I can see that—now. I had my doubts, but—Rimon, now I'm getting attached to the kid. What if—?"

"No 'what ifs,'" Rimon said firmly, trying to will confidence into his friend. "You've never had all my crazy problems. It should be a lot easier for you, as long as Billy's not afraid."

"Yeah…" Del said uncertainly. Then, "Hey! What are you doing?"

"Huh?"

"Did you learn that from Kadi? Your field, Rimon:—it's as if you're trying to calm me down the way she does. You don't have her—what can you call it? texture? Shen, there aren't any words for these things."

Rimon became aware of what he was doing. Yes, it was a poor imitation of Kadi's technique. He laughed. "It's incredible, Del—what we can learn from Gens!"

"Wherever you learned it, it sure is better than those mad fluctuations you used to have."

"Yeah. Well, I haven't hit turnover yet, but I'll bet that won't happen anymore."

It didn't. In fact, Rimon was hardly aware of his turnover; he simply found himself on the decline into need a few days later, when Kadi took Billy off for one last briefing before he and Del made their attempt at transfer. Should have noticed, Rimon thought. My sex drive disappeared. But he and Kadi had had no privacy since Del and Billy had joined them, so he'd only been relieved of an unfulfillable desire and had scarcely missed it. By next month, Rimon promised himself, we'll have a cabin built. They had spent their time so far clearing one field and getting their first crop in, working side by side, the Simes doing the heavy work, the Gens driving the horses, planting the seeds, and otherwise contributing their share.

Now came the moment of truth. For the past two days, the same question had come over and over from both Del and Billy. "Just what am I supposed to do?"

Del repeated it again to Rimon as they waited for the Gens. Although Del's nervousness was grating on his growing need, Rimon tried to retain his calm. "You do what feels right," he said. "Del, it's really more up to Billy than to you. As long as he's not scared, it'll work."

"I really like Billy," said Del. "Not just because he can make me feel good, but he's a good kid, you know? Smart.

–shendi, Rimon, I never got to know a Gen as a person before. Billy and Kadi are—real to me. I don't want them hurt."

"They won't be."

"I don't know. I'm so scared, I don't know how Billy can help it."

"Fortunately, he can't feel your fear, so all you have to do is put on a good act."

"I'll be able to feel his."

"I know. I wish I could tell you more, Del—but it couldn't have been worse between Kadi and me, and it worked for us. You're conscious, and Billy knows that it can work. Kadi didn't have that knowledge. She expected to die."

"She also loves you. Billy hardly knows any of us. He's trying hard, and I've been trying hard but…"

"He'll trust you after today, Del. Here they come. Let's do it—and then we'll have something to celebrate!"

It would be as much a first as Rimon and Kadi's first transfer. As Del and Billy faced one another, Rimon and Kadi stood on either side of them. Rimon could feel Kadi trying to calm them, and he tried to reinforce her efforts with his own.

Del summoned a shaky smile as he held out his hands to Billy, tentacles tightly retracted. "Come on, Billy," he said, the confidence in his voice at sad variance with the trepidation in his nager. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm asking for your help—only asking…"

"I know," Billy said, a palpable lie, although a genuine hope. He lifted trembling hands, placing them on Del's forearms as the Sime held himself completely still. Rimon marveled at the boy's courage, praying that it would hold long enough to complete the transfer.

When Billy's hands were gripping him firmly, Del allowed his handling tentacles to extend… and finally his laterals, relief flooding him as he released the terrible tension it had taken to keep them retracted in the presence of Billy's field. That relief counteracted the momentary shock Billy felt as the hot, wet laterals licked his skin. Rimon clearly felt both of them grasp emotional control. They're going to be able to do it!

Time hung suspended. Then Del said, "Billy—"

The boy nodded firmly. "Do it!"

Del pulled him forward, their lips pressed firmly together, and Rimon rose into hyperconsciousness, living Del's experience as if it were his own. The flow began, Del's draw riding on a wave of Billy's anxiety—but there was no pain, none of the searing, raw burn of killdraw. But Billy's faint trepidation fed Del's natural desire for killbliss—Rimon perceived Del's demand increase the speed of his draw, seeking that unique satisfaction provided only by Gen fear.

Slow down' Rimon willed, but his field was nothing to Del now against Billy's increasing agitation. The boy began to resist—and felt pain. Fear blossomed through his nager, adding fuel to the fire of Del's killbliss. All control gone, Del drew against Billy's pain and fear, pure animal instinct driving him to the ecstatic peak of satisfaction as Rimon reached out to tear them apart—

Too late.

Only at the moment of total depletion—of death—was Rimon able to wrench Del's hands and tentacles from Billy's arms. There was only a brief shock of shen, for Del had reached repletion, and Rimon had interrupted only the natural termination.

Simultaneously, Kadi understood what had happened. Her revulsion pierced the two Simes, and Del turned on her. Even as he was reaching toward her, however, post-kill transients plunged him into hypoconsciousness, and her field ceased to affect him.

He stared at her, seeing her as Kadi. Then his eyes turned to Rimon, sharing haunted anguish. Together they focused on the slight, crumpled form on the ground. Del went to his knees next to Billy's body, making half-articulate sounds, remorse so thick around him Rimon could almost taste it.

And then Del was crying. Kadi's revulsion melted to compassion, releasing Rimon's tears as well. Del touched the pitiful body, so full of life a few moments before. "I couldn't stop!" he said. He closed his eyes, able now to shut out the sight as Rimon could not—but he couldn't shut his mind to it. "Rimon, I didn't want to stop. I couldn't even think about stopping!"

"I zli

Del turned on him in fury. "You think I'm going through that again? Make a friend and kill him? What do you think I am?"

"You don't want to kill," protested Rimon.

"I didn't want to kill Billy. But I want to kill, Rimon. I'm Sime—and so are you. You'd better take Kadi to the border, or you'll kill her, too. Why did I ever listen to you? You couldn't tell me what to do, because there's nothing to be done! Last month was a fluke—you were unconscious. What are you going to do—have Kadi knock you out every time? You're going to kill her, Rimon, and I'm not going to stay and watch!"

Rimon knew that guilt and sorrow prompted Del's harsh words. Nonetheless, they preyed on him as his need deepened day by day. Over and over, Del's words came back, I want to kill. I'm Sime, and so are you.

Was Del right? Could Rimon keep from killing Kadi, or would the killbliss take him helplessly once again? He picked up the split wood and piled it with the rest—and saw immense irony in that great stack of firewood. Who was going to use it?

The test had to come soon. In another day, Rimon's need would be beyond even the control his peculiar history had given him. Beyond Kadi's control? He was afraid to find out.

He had deliberately left Kadi at their campsite today, sewing a jumpsuit for herself out of the blue material. Her few clothes were in tatters after their adventures and hard work.