RenSime

She set Azevedo to work the next day, trying to find a way to remove all the K/A from a kerduvon mixture. She set to work on the cadaver brains that had finally arrived. Despite the tightening of need, she was able to work, and that made the need easier to bear. Over di

She explained how K/B would have to be present in Simes in extremely minute quantities, and K/A would likewise be present in Gens in minute portions. "An adult can't disjunct because the ability to create K/B has totally atrophied. Somehow, kerduvon restores that ability."

Azevedo liked the hypothesis and helped her brainstorm a series of experiments that might prove it. Laneff began to feel she understood what it was she had synthesized and how it worked. She even began toying with the idea for a test that could be administered in childhood to determine Sime from Gen before changeover establishment. But first she had to determine how K/B behaved on brain surfaces. The task was simply enormous and required a team of laboratories. She had to get enough proof in hand to publish something that would get people started on this line of research.

With the crude equipment of the school and Azevedo's help, she designed a small exploratory experiment and began the work. In spare moments, she pored over the notes she and Jarmi had collected, assembling data and creating tables to show that her synthesis was indeed repeatable. And she pondered how to broach the subject of the importance of the operator's visualization. She had no scientific reputation to lose and wouldn't have to live with the rejection that would no doubt follow publication because she'd be long dead of disjunction crisis. If not here, then in a Last Year House. There'll never be another Jarmi.

But as she worked on the paper, she had to admit it required more data. She ceased to struggle to oust Yuan from her apartment on the grounds that she could care for herself now and convinced him to come work in the lab and learn her synthesis. Seeing Yuan daily in Shanlun's chair, at Shanlun's place in the kitchen, and using Shanlun's shelf in the bathroom, watching him daily doing Jarmi's work, sitting at Jarmi's desk, only increased the tension between them. And it was worse because Yuan turned out to have the worst technique of any lab assistant she could imagine. How did he ever pass basic pharmacology?

Azevedo had infinite patience, but Laneff often yelled at Yuan and then had to apologize. At one point, she accused him of playing mud pies in her lab, and he came back belligerently, "Perhaps I don't really grasp the importance of what you're doing, but I think you grasp it too tightly, Laneff!"

"What in creation do you mean by that?"

"You're hiding from need by burying yourself in this work—like Jarmi did!"

"She wasn't hiding," Laneff retorted. "She was dedicated to banishing the kill! She knew what it means to be renSime, even if she was Gen. She not only worked in this lab until she dropped from exhaustion, she tried the craziest stunt in the Distect arsenal in hopes of keeping me on my feet long enough to finish this!"

Azevedo broke it up, then, before it could turn into a real fight, and sending Yuan off to eat, he fed Laneff trin tea and yeast tablets, saying, "I think you understood Jarmi's motives better than the rest of us, but don't discount her very real depression. She was fighting off coming to grips with her personal losses by her furious dedication to something vast and impersonal—your research, and, through it, you."

"No. She wasn't impersonal, she wasn't Tecton. I was something deeply, intimately personal to her." And she sketched for the cha

He looked down at his hands, toying with his tentacles as if working out a difficult arithmetic problem. "And she took pride in being able to 'handle' you? It was a matter of personal pride for her to be able to satisfy you?

"Pride? No—but well, you might say that ..."

He looked up at her, head tilted to one side, duoconscious. "Did you know that Gens can experience a kind of egobliss?"

"Egobliss is just another word for killbliss, so they can't—"

"No, no. They are two completely different things. Think, Laneff." He zli

"Yes," whispered Laneff, hoarsely. "Oh, yes.",

"And when it came your turn, you chose the cha

"How did you know?"

"It's often that way in a true first disjunction. The affinity for a fellow Sime becomes stronger than the attraction to a reflection, the Gen. The cha

"But after a first disjunction, the craving for killbliss is still there. The Tecton treats that craving as pathological, denying its existence in every Sime, nonjunct, disjunct or junct. Killbliss, Laneff, is simply another word for the physical satisfaction of need, the repeating of the experience of First Kill, or First Transfer. It is only at second disjunction that a new "first experience" can be imprinted on your nervous system. What you will crave and what you will experience will feel like killbliss, but it should not be necessary to burn a Gen to get it."

"You're talking about the kind of junctedness of the endowed, aren't you?"

"No, not really. We share a third experience, textually different from killbliss, and indescribable. We call it slilbliss."

There was a sadness in his nager that told Laneff it was this experience Desha was unable to give him. Oh, where is Shanlun?

"Slilbliss," repeated Laneff. "Slil is the experience of the four-plus Donors who can read selyn fields and sense selyn motion directly during transfer. What could slilbliss be like?"

He shook his head and gave a gypsy shrug. "Maybe a mutual sort of egobliss/killbliss, a moment of perfected ecstasy shared." He brushed that aside. "My point, Laneff, is that you had long since given up egobliss—but Jarmi had not! She was not your perfect reflection, not the right transfer partner for you. When you satisfied her, you were left wanting. When she satisfied you, she was destroyed. Think of the candlebox, Laneff. The people we see surrounding us are reflections of ourselves. Each of us lives inside a candlebox, unable to see the real selves of those around us, able to see only reflections of ourselves. To even glimpse others, one must extinguish the egoself, if only for a moment's meditation."