Outreach

He flinched from the thought and said aloud, "Cyrus, this is safe for me—even though right now Darllanyu is at the very brink of giving in to Renewal. If I were to do this to Eithlarin or Llistyien, Darllanyu would feel it. And if I were to touch Darllanyu so, most of us would be dead within the hour." He knelt beside her chair and turned her face to him, feeling the heat of embarrassment flush her cheeks. "You arouse me, Krinata, but not like Dar does." Has she told Cyrus of Ontarrah?

"I love you, too, Jindigar—" Then she looked at Cyrus, stricken. "But that doesn't mean I love you less!"

"I never challenged that—I never thought—"

"No, you didn't think," said Jindigar, forcing himself to abandon Krinata before his response did get out of control, and Dar felt it. He took his chair again, assuming a nondefensive posture. "You felt—and sometimes feelings are more accurate than the plodding linearity of thought. The Oliat feels, Cy. Everything—all at once. That's why it'd be as dangerous for us if you were to touch Krinata as it would be if I gave in to Dar. And that's why, in the cave, it was my duty as Center to take Krinata away from you."

"I understood that even before the medic explained how the entire Oliat had to be treated to help Krinata, because you're all tied together when you work."

"You understand, but you still feel threatened," countered Jindigar gently, "because I wanted to take her from you– because I am a rival—for Krinata—but not for your mate."

"Jindigar!" protested Krinata.

"Please, listen," he urged her. "Cyrus, you and I must confront the fact that we feel like rivals."

Jindigar Emulated human maleness, supporting it with his own emerging maleness as much as he dared, and let Cyrus see how Krinata mattered to him.

Over that subtext he asked, "Now do you understand how far this has gone? I can't bear to hurt Krinata. I can't bear to see her hurt—and she will die—we all will—if I can't Dissolve us safely. I don't know how to do that yet, but I do know that there's no hope without your help." And he outlined to them both the idea Threntisn had given him.

"Debriefing to an Archive?" asked Krinata. Even she, as a professional debriefing officer, had never known the original usage of the equipment the Dushau had modified for ephemeral use.

"Yes. Now I must ask you a question, Cyrus. Do you believe I love Krinata? Treasure her life beyond my own?"

Cyrus gazed at him, all primal, threatened male peering out of intelligence-haunted eyes at the alien rival, for Jindigar was showing him the fierce emotions Krinata roused in him. It dawned on him that his feeling for her was similar to how he'd feel about any of his ex-wives if they were here to officiate at his wedding, using the way they aroused him to ease him through onset and give him to Darllanyu in reasonably decent condition.

He pushed the pungent nostalgia aside and concentrated on Cyrus, for the human was finally accepting his own instinctive recognition of Jindigar as a rival. Perhaps no human could ever accept that such rivalry was to be enjoyed, forming the deepest bonds of friendship, but at least he now knew that Jindigar– a nonpredator—could be a rival without being an enemy, without hurting the one he loved, and thus, without tempting him to break Outriders' vows.

"Yes, Jindigar. I believe you do love her. What do I have to do?"

Jindigar reached across the table and gripped Cyrus's callused hand, Emulating human tactile communication to convince his unconscious. "You love her as much as I do. You treasure her life as much as I do. Protect her by giving her into my keeping. As mate to my zunre, you become my zunre, too—closer than family. Trust me. Our lives depend on it."

"Jindigar," asked Cy, "are you saying Krinata's doomed unless I give her up to you?"

"Yes. She must be mine—and only mine—for these next few days. I'll protect her as you would yourself. Then she will be yours and I'll retire to the i

Jindigar, gaze locked with Cyrus's, saw that he had Cyrus's understanding. To have, one must first surrender. It was not a male attitude, but Cyrus was not only male. He was human, and the male in him, confronted and acknowledged at last, was now mollified enough that the human could dominate.

Into the protracted silence Krinata said tentatively, "This may be the wrong moment to mention it, but I am not a possession to be bartered for."

Cyrus broke his gaze and turned to Krinata, babbling hastily, "I didn't mean—I know—of course, you're—I mean, naturally it's up to you."

Jindigar rose and circled the table, resetting all the muscles in his face and body as he shook himself out of the Emulation. "I'm sorry, Krinata. I do not regard women as chattel to be bargained for. Can you imagine how Dar would react to that?" He paused to let the absurdity sink in, then pointed out, "But she knows how the line between identities blurs in mating– how part of one becomes part of another, in order to create a new identity. A mate becomes a temporary proprietor of one's soul." A gateway to Completion.

Cyrus rose and paced to the other side of the room, his mind engaging now that Jindigar had veiled the primal energies. "Jindigar, were you just Emulating? Or were you telling the truth?"

"Both. Look at me," he prompted. "Do you still see barely contained arousal? A man who possesses this woman and will protect her with his life because his life is hers?"

With all the years of his field experience Cyrus studied Jindigar and saw only an adjourned Center. At last he shook his head. "I don't know what to believe."

"Any Dushau would be able to see it in me. It isn't gone because I can't make it go away. But there's lots more there to be read. I am frightened as I've never been before. At any moment, without warning, my Oliat may collapse. And that's not merely an idea to me. It's happened to me, with Kamminth's—"

Krinata went to Cyrus. "I told you about how the Emperor destroyed Kamminth's, when Jindigar was trying to change Offices to be their Outreach." She, no doubt, remembered vividly how they had collapsed in convulsions in the Imperial Palace courtyard, all but three of them dying instantly.

The one image from that moment that Jindigar could not banish was Lelwatha's body, twisted in the rigor of death by shock. He had left Jindigar his whule and his music, along with the feeling of beauty.

Cyrus faced Krinata, his hands behind his back, his stance no longer so vibrantly tense with denied impulses.

Krinata said, "I don't agree with your primitive psycho-sexual analysis. Love isn't possession. Love is acceptance." She tossed a glance at Cyrus. "And I can accept both of you. So don't fight over me, all right?"

"An Outrider doesn't fight with an officer," replied Cyrus, eyeing Jindigar significantly. "An Outrider fights for the officers."

"Then these officers had better get back to work," observed Krinata. She pulled on her wrap but stopped at the door to watch Cyrus finish cleaning the table. "You really do understand now?"

He glanced up, head cocked to one side. "It's all right, Krinata, go ahead. Just teach me that word next time."

"Shaleiliu? It's another word for marriage, isn't it, Jindigar?"

"In your case—yes—I believe so."

As she led the way outside she asked, "I wonder—does that constitute a Priest's blessing?"

"Aliom Priests don't give blessings, Krinata. I thought you knew that."

Before she could answer, Storm called from the other end of the building where his room was. "Jindigar! I'd like to talk to you for a moment."

He sent Krinata on to re-join the others and reassure them that she was willing to attempt the debriefing. "We have all of tomorrow to teach you the routine," he told her. "It's a little different from your old job."