Doris Lessing

"Love on Your Birthday," or "I'm thinking of You." Or boxes of letter paper with daffodils or roses on them. Or... just shit and rubbish.

Alice went to a cafe in Finchley Road, and sat for a long time quietly by herself over strong coffee. She needed to think.

She decided that the link with Bert was unlikely to hold Jasper back from one of his binges; that she would have to sit it out; that Bert was almost certainly going after Pat; that the best thing she could do was to organise a Congress of the CCU for as soon as possible. The work for this would foment in the house the right kind of feeling, atmosphere, to do away with the nastiness of the last day or so. She had just saved the situation with Jim. But Philip, a gentle and even timid soul, would leave if something were not done.

When she got home, the door into Jim's room was open, and all his things gone.

This really did hit her, hard. She wailed, standing there, looking in at the room that had nothing left of him. Not his musical instruments - drums, guitar, accordion; not his sleeping bag, or his clothes, or his record player... nothing. Jim had been blown out of this room as though he had never been.

She did not have any addresses of friends, or family.

She stood at the open door, fists up on either side of her head, banging it, banging it hard, and wailing, "No, no, no, oh no..."

Feet ru

"Jim - he's gone, he's gone."

"Good riddance," said Faye, smartly, laughing. "We didn't want him anyway."

Looking up, Alice could see, above Faye, Philip, whose face said that he heard this, as - no doubt - Faye wanted him to. But she saw, too, Roberta, who came swiftly to Faye, and seized her two arms, and pulled her back out of sight. Roberta's face was grave and shocked - hurt because of Faye.

Roberta's low urgent voice; Faye's tittering, high laugh. A door slammed. Roberta came ru

"It's my fault," sobbed Alice. "Mine. I did it. It's because of me."

"There, there, there. Never mind."

She took Alice to the sitting room and made her get inside the sleeping bag. She fetched her a tumbler of whisky, bade her drink, sleep, forget it.

Hysterical Alice, like the so-often hysterical Faye, was being doped into harmlessness.

She slept until evening. Then she found, in the kitchen, Roberta and Faye, Mary and Reggie. Jasper was not there. Bert had gone to see whether he could persuade Pat to return to him.

Alice, sitting down, said, "I think we should organise a CCU Congress."

"Another democratic decision?" said Faye, laughing.

"I'm suggesting it," said Alice. "I'm putting it forward."

"And I'm in favour," said Roberta. "There are all kinds of members we have never met. A new branch, new groups - we should meet."

"It sounds a good idea," said Reggie in a judicial way, one who would always welcome congresses, discussions, any manifestations of the democratic process.

"Yes, I agree," said Mary. "I've been thinking, it might be just the kind of political party I've been looking for. I've no time for the big bureaucratic parties, anyway."

"When?" said Faye.

"Soon," said Alice. "The sooner the better. The party has grown quite fast. We need to consolidate and formulate policies now."

General agreement, though Faye came in only because Roberta did.

Five days, five nights followed, without Jasper. Bert returned, unfulfilled, and with a gaunt bitter look to him that Alice continued to feel as an improvement. Bert asked where Jasper was; Alice, as usual covering up, said that Jasper had decided to visit a brother. Bert, who had after all spent a fair bit of time with Jasper, was surprised that a brother had never been mentioned. Alice said that Jasper did visit his brother, who was his only "viable relative." This phrase caused Bert to look at her oddly, but she said he had a shitty family, and the brother was the only decent person in it. (Jasper's visits to his brother did in fact happen, if rarely.)

Bert, Alice was pleased to see, missed Jasper, tended to be at a loose end. But they were in a phase of intense activity, for the Congress was to be the weekend after next, in this house, number 43. Message sending and letter writing went on, and they were always ru

Alice undertook most of this; but Bert visited the branch in South London to make sure everyone would be inspired to come. Number 45 was asked whether people wished to attend, if not as members or potential members, as delegates or observers. Observers, Alice knew, there would certainly be; and was not surprised when goose-girl Muriel said she would attend. Comrade Andrew said he would have liked to be present, only he would be away.

Both houses could be used as dormitories, if number 43 proved inadequate.

Alice undertook to provide filling but cheap food. For once some contributions to her funds were assured, since delegates would be charged a small fee for their food and lodging. After discussion, this was set at two pounds a head for the weekend.

Alice also said it would be a good thing if all the rubbish remaining in number 45 were to be disposed of, for it gave such a bad impression. As nothing was done, she borrowed the car and made several trips, Philip assisting, to the rubbish dumps.

Philip's misgivings, his hurt over Jim, were being assuaged by the Congress, and the happy atmosphere that was leading up to it.

Bert repeatedly visited number 45 during those five days. He was seeing Comrade Andrew, as Alice knew, for she, too, visited Comrade Andrew, who seemed to want to talk about Bert, making no secret of his plan for him, which was that he should follow the path of job, flat, security, and respectability. And "special training," unspecified but understood. Alice rather wondered at the choice of Bert; why had Andrew changed his mind about him? She herself would not rely much on him. Too easily led, for instance! Was there anything else that Bert discussed with Andrew? Alice was anxious to know, for if the IRA wouldn't have Bert and Jasper (and, by extension, the rest of them, Alice included), then something else of the kind would certainly make its appearance. They all wanted to be of use, to serve! Alice probed Andrew, but he was either not giving anything away, or was ignorant of Bert and Jasper's alternative ideas. Alice probed Bert, but it seemed he was waiting for Jasper to "formulate a commitment appropriate to our resources." Again Alice was thinking, "So much for easy impressions!" - the impression in this case, and she knew that many people thought this way, being that Jasper was Bert's hanger-on, his disciple.

Jasper had several times mentioned Muriel, and this could have given Alice a clue, if her dislike of Muriel did not always rise promptly in her, preventing her from hearing what she might have done. Muriel, Jasper had said, was leaving 45. She was going to begin work. "Real work," he had emphasised, with a proud, but discreet smile, inviting Alice with his eyes and his ma

Alice even tried to find out from Muriel what Jasper's plans might be, but as soon as Muriel heard Jasper's name, she said briskly that in her opinion Andrew was "basically" a sound and useful cadre. This seemed to Alice thoroughly off the point. Was it said, she wondered, because of her - Alice's - occasional doubts over Andrew?