Knitting Under the Influence

One Thursday, a couple of weeks later, Ellen was out at a school IEP meeting, and Sari had gone into her office to try to find a clients folder that Ellen had sworn she'd left on the credenza in there. Sari's back was to the open door when she suddenly felt something hit her from behind-and there was Zack, throwing his arms around her leg and clutching it to his small chest as if he were drowning and her leg was the only flotation device he could find.

With a rush of delight, Sari bent over him, sniffing at the good sweet little boy smell of his hair and neck.

“Sari,” he said. “Hi, Sari.”

“It's good to see you,” she said and squeezed his shoulders hard. When she lifted her head, she saw Jason watching from just outside the open office door, his face tight and expressionless.

Still holding on to her leg, Zack looked back at his father. “Sari,” he said.

“Yeah,” his father said. “I remember.” He held out his hand to Zack. “Come on, pal. We have to go.”

Zack shook his head. “Sari.”

“She's busy,” his father said. “Too busy for us. Come on.”

“I’ve missed you, Zack,” Sari said. “How are you?”

“How are you?” he replied politely.

“No, say, ‘Good,’ Zack.”

“Even if he's not good?” Jason took a step forward, into the office. “That's the great thing about autistic kids, isn't it? They'll say what you tell them to, even if it's not true. Why don't you teach him to say, ‘I don't miss you at all, Sari’?”

Sari stared at him. “You don't need to make me feel guilty, you know. Zack is fine. He's doing great.”

“How do you know that?”

“The way he's talking to me. I can tell he's making progress.”

“Sure,” Jason said. “Whatever gets you through the night.”

“Stop it,” Sari said. “Stop it. You're not being fair.” She swallowed hard, then plunged in. “I didn't quit to be mean to Zack. I quit because it was all too hard. And he's okay. He's going to be fine. He's got Christopher, who's a really good therapist, and he's got you to take care of him. And Maria, too, who means well even if she's-” She stopped, shook her head, got herself back on track. “Anyway, the point is he's going to be fine, you know he is, whether he sees me or not. Because you're doing the right things for him. So it's not fair to make me feel bad about it. I love the little guy.” She rubbed Zack's back. “I think he's great. And I would have kept working with him, only it was too hard.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Jason asked. “That it was too hard? What was so fucking hard about it?”

“You know,” she said. “High school and-”

“You recognized me the first day we came in,” Jason said. “And you started working with Zack anyway. And kept working with him for a while. So that's not it. That's not what made it so hard.”

“It was part of it,” Sari said. She brushed her fingers through Zack's curls, looking down so she wouldn't have to meet Jason's eyes. “And then you and I started-I don't know what we started doing. But I didn't feel right about it. I kept trying to stop-”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“But I couldn't.” No matter how hard she swallowed, the swelling in her throat wouldn't go down. She was grateful at least that they were alone in Ellen's office, not in one of the public areas. “It was all too much. Thinking about Charlie and seeing you all the time and knowing that Zack needed my help-I just couldn't take it anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Jason said after a moment. “I probably shouldn't have been so hard on you the other day. But I hate it when Zack cries like that. I can't stand it. And then seeing you sitting there, not caring, filling out your little forms like it had nothing to do with you at all-” His voice, Sari noticed, was as shaky as hers. “I told you, I used to watch you two together and I thought he meant something to you. And that meant something to me.”

“He did,” Sari said. “He does. I miss being with him. But it's all been so complicated that it just seemed better for everyone if I stayed away.”

“That's exactly what Denise said that night you came to di

“I’m not Zack's mother,” she said. “I’m Charlie's sister. And that makes all of this… impossible.” There was a silence and then she sighed and said, “Okay. That's it.” She gently removed Zack's hands from her leg. “Time to go, sweetheart.”

“Hold on,” Jason said. “Just hold on a second. It's my turn to say something.”

“I think it's been-”

“I said hold on.”

Zack suddenly let go of her leg and slid down onto the floor as if he had become too bored with standing to do it any longer. He flopped onto his back and looked up at the ceiling.

Jason said, “I’ve been thinking. Since we last talked. And if I was ever mean to your brother back in high school-and maybe I was-God knows it's possible, even if I don't remember it-if I was, I’m sorry. Deeply and horribly and painfully sorry. If I could go back now and help him out, I would.”

“I know,” she said. “I know you would. But only because of him.” She gestured down at Zack.

“What do you mean?” Jason said.

“If Zack hadn't been born-if you'd had the perfect golden child you thought you'd have-you'd probably still be walking around, acting like an asshole, thinking you were better than everyone else-maybe even still being mean to anyone who was different, maybe even teaching Zack to be mean to the other kids at school-”

“Whoa,” he said. “I would never have taught my kid to be mean… But say it's true that if things had been different, I’d have been different-doesn't the same go for you? If Charlie hadn't been born, do you really think you'd have been such a saint your whole life?”

“I never said I was a saint.”

“Pretty much-all that talk about how you were never mean to anyone in high school…” He ran his hand through his hair. Some of it stayed sticking up, and Sari had to fight the urge to reach up and smooth it down. “Of course having Zack changed me. I don't think I was ever really as bad as you seem to think I was, but either way, I’m a more decent human being now and I’ll freely admit it. Does it matter why? You had a brother a couple of decades before I had Zack, so maybe you had an advantage there. But you and I ended up in the same place. And for the same reason.”

“I would never have been mean to a kid with special needs. Even if Charlie hadn't been my brother.”

“How can you be sure of that?”

“I just know.”

“Whoever you think I was-whatever you think I was-back in high school, I’m not that guy now,” Jason said. “I’m not sure I ever was him, but I’m definitely not him now.”

“It doesn't matter,” she said. “You can't just say ‘I’m good now’ and have everything suddenly be forgotten.”

“Why not?” Jason rubbed his temple savagely. “Why are you fighting this so hard, Sari? Why do I have to be evil through and through? Why can't I have changed? Why do you want to think badly of me?”

“I don't.” She sagged back against the wall, suddenly exhausted. “At least… I don't think I do.”

“Then why can't you give me a break?”

It was so hard to explain. “I’ve hated everyone from high school for so long. I’ve gone to sleep thinking about how much I hated you all for years now. I don't think I could even go to sleep without thinking about all that.” She gave a little painful smile. “It's like my security blanket.”

“You need to give it up.”

“Charlie's been so screwed over,” Sari said. “In every way. He never had a chance, Jason. You don't know what it's like. Zack will be fine. Charlie won't.”

“You can't blame the kids from high school for that.”

“If they'd been kinder to him-”

“It would have been better,” he said. “But it wouldn't have cured his autism. There has to be more to the story than that.”

“Maybe,” she said. “I mean, of course. But-”

“But what? Why do you have to keep hating me?”