Can You Keep A Secret?

its place I'm feeling thumping, jumping nerves.

How am I going to face Lissy after what Jack said on television? How?

I've known Lissy a long time. And I've had plenty of embarrassing moments in front of her.

But none of them comes anywhere near this.

This is worse than the time when I threw up in her parents' bathroom. This is worse than the

time she saw me kissing my reflection in the mirror and saying 'ooh, baby' in a sexy voice.

This is even worse than the time she caught me writing a Valentine to our maths teacher, Mr

Blake.

I am hoping against hope that she might have suddenly decided to go out for the day or

something. But as I open the front door of the flat, there she is, coming out of the kitchen into

the hall. And as she looks at me, I can already see it in her face. She's completely freaked out.

So that's it. Not only has Jack betrayed me. He's ruined my best friendship, too. Things will

never be the same between me and Lissy again. It's just like When Harry Met Sally. Sex has

got in the way of our relationship, and now we can't be friends any more because we want to

sleep together.

No. Scratch that. We don't want to sleep together. We want to — No, the point is we don't want

to-

Anyway. Whatever. It's not good.

'Oh!' she says, staring at the floor. 'Gosh! Um… hi, Emma!'

'Hi!' I reply in a strangled voice. 'I thought I'd come home. The office was just too… too

awful…'

I tail off, and there's the most excruciating, prickling silence for a few moments.

'So… I guess you saw it,' I say at last.

'Yes, I saw it,' says Lissy, still staring at the floor, 'And I…' She clears her throat. 'I just

wanted to say that… that if you want me to move out, then I will.'

A lump comes to my throat. I knew it. After twenty-one years, our friendship is over. One tiny

secret comes out — and that's the end of everything.

'It's OK,' I say, trying not to burst into tears. 'I'll move out.'

'No!' says Lissy awkwardly. 'I'll move out. This isn't your fault, Emma. It's been me who's

been… leading you on.'

'What?' I stare at her. 'Lissy, you haven't been leading me on!'

'Yes I have.' She looks stricken. 'I feel terrible. I just never realized you had… those kind of

feelings.'

'I don't!'

'But I can see it all now! I've been walking around half-dressed, no wonder you were

frustrated!'

'I wasn't frustrated,' I say quickly. 'Lissy, I'm not a lesbian.'

'Bisexual, then. Or "multi-oriented". Whatever term you want to use.'

'I'm not bisexual, either! Or multi-whatever it was.'

'Emma, please!' Lissy grabs my hand. 'Don't be ashamed of your sexuality. And I promise, I'll

support you a hundred per cent, whatever choice you decide to make-'

'Lissy, I'm not bisexual!' I cry. 'I don't need support! I just had one dream, OK? It wasn't a

fantasy, it was just a weird dream, which I didn't intend to have, and it doesn't mean I'm a

lesbian, and it doesn't mean I fancy you, and it doesn't mean anything.'

'Oh.' There's silence. Lissy looks taken aback. 'Oh, right. I thought it was a… a… you know.'

She clears her throat. 'That you wanted to…'

'No! I just had a dream. Just one, stupid dream.'

'Oh. Right.'

There's a long pause, during which Lissy looks intently at her fingernails, and I study the

buckle of my watch.

'So, did we actually…' says Lissy at last.

Oh God.

'Kind of,' I admit.

'And… was I any good?'

'What?' I gape at her.

'In the dream.' She looks straight at me, her cheeks bright pink. 'Was I any good?'

'Lissy…' I say, pulling an agonized face.

'I was crap, wasn't I? I was crap! I knew it.'

'No, of course you weren't crap!' I exclaim. 'You were… you were really…'

I ca

a dream lesbian.

'Look, can we just leave the subject? My day has been embarrassing enough already.'

'Oh. Oh God, yes,' says Lissy, suddenly full of remorse. 'Sorry. Emma. You must be feeling

really…'

'Totally and utterly humiliated and betrayed?' I try to give a smile. 'Yup, that's pretty much

how I feel.'

'Did anyone at the office see it, then?' says Lissy sympathetically.

'Did anyone at the office see it?' I wheel round. 'Lissy, they all saw it. They all knew it was

me! And they were all laughing at me, and I just wanted to curl up and die …'

'Oh God,' says Lissy in distress. 'Really?'

'It was awful.' I close my eyes as fresh mortification washes over me. 'I have never been more

embarrassed in my entire life. I have never felt more… exposed. The whole world knows I

find G-strings uncomfortable and I don't really kick-box, and I've never read Dickens.' My

voice is wobbling more and more, and then, with no warning, I give a huge sob. 'Oh God,

Lissy. You were right. I feel such a complete… fool. He was just using me, right from the

begi

'You don't know that!' she says in dismay.

'I do! Of course I do. That's why he was gripped. That's why he was so fascinated by

everything I said. It wasn't because he loved me. It was because he realized he had his target

customer, right next to him. The kind of normal, ordinary, girl-on-the-street he would never

normally give the time of day to!' I give another huge sob. 'I mean, he said it on the television,

didn't he? I'm just a nothing-special girl.'

'You are not,' says Lissy fiercely. 'You are not nothing-special!'

'I am! That's exactly what I am. I'm just an ordinary nothing. And I was so stupid, I believed it

all. I honestly thought Jack loved me. I mean, maybe not exactly loved me.' I feel myself

colour. 'But… you know. Felt about me like I felt about him.'

'I know.' Lissy looks like she wants to cry herself. 'I know you did.' She leans forward and

gives me a huge hug.

Suddenly she draws awkwardly away. 'This isn't making you feel uncomfortable, is it? I mean,

it's not… turning you on or anything-'

'Lissy, for the last time, I'm not a lesbian!' I cry in exasperation.

'OK!' she says hurriedly. 'OK. Sorry.' She gives me another tight hug, then stands up. 'Come

on,' she says. 'You need a drink.'

We go onto the tiny, overgrown balcony which was described as 'spacious roof terrace' by the

landlord when we first rented this flat, and sit in a patch of sun, drinking the schnapps which

Lissy got duty-free last year. Each sip makes my mouth burn unbearably, but five seconds

later sends a lovely soothing warmth all over my body.

'I should have known,' I say, staring into my glass. 'I should have known a big important

millionaire like that would never really be interested in a girl like me.'

'I just can't believe it,' says Lissy, sighing for the thousandth time. 'I can't believe it was all

made up. It was all so romantic. Changing his mind about going to America… and the bus…

and bringing you that pink cocktail…'

'But that's the point.' I can feel tears rising again, and fiercely blink them back. 'That's what

makes it so humiliating. He knew exactly what I would like. I told him on the plane I was

bored with Co

fed me everything he knew I'd like. And I believed it — because I wanted to believe it.'

'You honestly think the whole thing was one big plan?' Lissy bites her lip.

'Of course it was a plan,' I say tearfully. 'He deliberately followed me around, he watched