Insomnia

“Helen-”

“Let me finish so I can take my pill and go to sleep.

Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Just after Candy left with the baby-Nat didn’t cry, thank God, I don’t know if I could have handled that-a woman came in. At first I thought she must have gotten the wrong room because I didn’t know her from Eve, and when I got it through my head that she was here to see me, I told her I didn’t want any visitors. She didn’t pay any attention. She closed the door and lifted her skirt up so I could see her left thigh. There was a deep scar ru

“She said her name was Gretchen Tillbury, that she was a familyabuse counsellor at WomanCare, and that her husband had cut her leg open with a kitchen knife in 1978. She said if the man in the downstairs apartment hadn’t gotten a tourniquet on it, she would have bled to death. I said I was very sorry to hear that, but I didn’t have a chance to think I want to talk about my own situation until I’d had it over.” Helen paused and then said, “But that was a lie, you know.

I’ve had plenty of time to think it over, because Ed first hit Me two years ago, just before I got pregnant with Nat. I just kept… pushing it away.”

“I can see how a person would do that,” Ralph said.

“This lady… well, they must give people like her lessons on how to get through people’s defenses.”

Ralph smiled. “I believe that’s about half their training.”

“She said I couldn’t put it off, that I had a bad situation on my hands and I had to start dealing with it right away. I said that whatever I did, I didn’t have to consult her before I did it, or I listen to her line lof bullshit just biecause her husband had cut her once. almost said he probably did it because she wouldn’t shut up and go away and give him some peace, can you believe that? But I was really pissed, Ralph. Hurting… confused… ashamed… but mostly just P.O."d.”

“I think that’s probably a pretty normal reaction.”

“She asked me how I’d feel about myself-not about Ed but about myself-if I went back into the relationship and Ed beat me up again.

Then she asked how I’d feel if I went back in and Ed did it to Nat.

That made me furious-It still makes me furious. Ed has never laid so much as a finger on her, and I said so. She nodded and said, ’That doesn’t mean he won’t, Helen. I know you don’t want to think about that, but you have to. Still, suppose you’re right?

Suppose he never so much as slaps her on the wrist? Do you want her to grow up watching him hit -you? Do you want her to grow up seeing the things she saw today?” And that stopped me. Stopped me cold. I remembered how Ed looked when he came back in… how I knew as soon as I saw how white his face was… the way his head was moving…”

“Like a rooster,” Ralph murmured.

“What?”

“Nothing. Go on.”

“I don’t know what set him off… I never do anymore, but I knew he was going to start in on me. There’s nothing you can do or say to stop it once he gets to a certain point. I ran for the bedroom, but he grabbed me by the hair… pulled out a great big bunch of it… I screamed… and Natalie was sitting there in her highchair… sitting there watching us… and when I screamed, she screamed…”

Helen broke down then, crying hard. Ralph waited with his forehead leaning against the side of the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. He used the end of the dishtowel he’d slung over his shoulder to wipe away his own tears almost without thinking about it.

“Anyway,” Helen said when she was capable of speaking again, “I ended up talking to this woman for almost an hour. It’s called Victim Counselling and she does it for a living, can you believe it?”

“Yes,” Ralph said. “I can. It’s a good thing, Helen.”

“I’m going to see her again tomorrow, at WomanCare. It’s ironic, you know, that I should be going there. I mean, if I hadn’t signed that petition.

“If it hadn’t been the petition, it would have been something else.”

She sighed. “Yes, I guess that might be true. Is true. Anyway, Gretchen says I can’t solve Ed’s problems, but I can start solving some of my own.” Helen started to cry again and then took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry-I’ve cried so much today I never want to cry again. I told her I loved him. I felt ashamed to say it, and I’m not even sure it’s true, but it feels true. I said I wanted to give him another chance.

She said that meant I was committing Natalie to give him another chance, too, and that made me think of how she looked sitting there in the kitchen, with pureed spinach all over her face, screaming her head off while Ed hit me.

God, I hate the way people like her drive you into a corner and won’t let you Out.”

“She’s trying to help, that’s all.”

“I hate that, too. I’m very confused, Ralph. Probably you didn’t know that, but I am.” A wan chuckle drifted down the telephone line.

“That’s okay, Helen. It’s natural for you to be confused.”

“Just before she left, she told me about High Ridge. Right now that sounds like just the place for me.”

“What is it?”

“A kind of halfway house-she kept explaining that it was a house’ not a shelter-for battered women. Which is what I guess I now officially am.” This time the wan chuckle sounded perilously close to a sob. “I can have Nat with me if I go, and that’s a major part of the attraction.”

“Where is this place?”

“In the country. Out toward Newport, I think.”

“Yeah, I guess I knew that.”

Of course he did; Ham Davenport had told him during his WomanCare spiel. They’re involved in family counselling… spouse and child abuse… they run a shelterfor abused women over by the Newport town line. All at once WomanCare seemed to be everywhere in his life. Ed would undoubtedly have seen sinister implications in this.

“That Gretchen Tillbury is one hard sugarbun,” Helen was saying, “Just before she left she told me it was all right for me to love Ed’It has to be all right,” she said, ’because love doesn’t come out of a faucet you can turn on and off whenever you want to’-but that I had to remember my love couldn’t fix him, that not even Ed’s love for Natalie could fix him, and that no amount of love changed my responsibility to take care of my child.

I’ve been lying in bed, thinking about that. I think I liked lying in bed and being mad better. It was certainly easier.”

“Yes,” he said, “I can see how it might be. Helen, why don’t you just take your pill and let it all go for awhile?”

“I will, but first I wanted to say thanks.”

“You know you don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t think I know any such thing,” she said, and Ralph was glad to hear the flash of emotion in her voice. It meant the essential Helen Deepneau was still there. “I haven’t quit being mad at you, Ralph, but I’m glad you didn’t listen when I told you not to call the police. It’s just that I was afraid, you know? Afraid.”

“Helen, I-” His voice was thick, close to cracking. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I just didn’t want to see you hurt any more than you already were. When I saw you coming across the parking lot with blood all over your face, I was so afraid…”

“Don’t talk about that part. Please. I’ll cry if you do, and I can’t stand to cry anymore.”

“Okay.” He had a thousand questions about Ed, but this was clearly not the time to ask them. “Can I come see you tomorrow?”

There was a short hesitation and then Helen said, “I don’t think so. Not for a little while. I have a lot of thinking to do, a lot of things to sort out, and it’s going to be hard. I’ll be in touch, Ralph.

Okay?”

“Of course. That’s fine. What are you doing about the house?”

“Candy’s husband is going to go over and lock it up. I gave him my keys. Gretchen Tillbury said that Ed isn’t supposed to go back for anything, not even his checkbook or a change of undemear. If there’s stuff he needs, he gives a list and his housekey to a policeman, and the policeman goes to get it. I suppose he’ll go to Fresh Harbor.