Royal Assassin

"I didn't…" I faltered, and then: "We were friends. I didn't know you felt any more than that…"

"You didn't?" She lifted her chin; I knew that gesture. Six years ago she would have followed it with a punch to my stomach. I still flinched. But she just spoke more quietly when she said, "I suppose I should have expected you to say that. It's an easy thing to say."

It was my turn to be nettled. "You're the one who left me, with not even a word of farewell. And with that sailor, Jade. Do you think I don't know about him? I was there, Molly. I saw you take his arm and walk away with him. Why didn't you come to me, then, before leaving with him?"

She drew herself up. "I had been a woman with prospects. Then I became, all unwittingly, a debtor. Do you imagine that I knew of the debts my father had incurred, and then ignored? Not till after he was buried did the creditors come knocking. I lost everything. Should I have come to you as a beggar, hoping you'd take me in? I'd thought that you'd cared about me. I believed that you wanted… El damn you, why do I have to admit this to you!" Her words rattled against me like flung stones. I knew her eyes were blazing, her cheeks flushed. "I thought you did want to marry me, that you did want a future with me. I wanted to bring something to it, not come to you pe

For a moment I listened to an odd sound, trying to comprehend what it was. Then I knew. She was crying, in little catches of her breath. I knew if I tried to stand and go to her, I'd fall on my face. Or I'd reach her, and she'd knock me flat. So stupidly as any drunk, I repeated, "Well, what about Jade, then? Why did you find it so easy to go to him? Why didn't you come to me first?"

"I told you! He's my cousin, you moron!" Her anger flared past her tears. "When you're in trouble, you turn to your family. I asked him for help, and he took me to his family's farm, to help out with the harvest." A moment of silence. Then, incredulously: "What did you think? That I was the type of woman who could have another man on the side?" Icily. "That I would let you court me, and be seeing someone else?"

"No. I didn't say that."

"Of course you would." She said it as if it suddenly all made sense. "You're like my father. He always believed I lied, because he told so many lies himself. Just like you. `Oh, I'm not drunk,' when you stink of it and you can barely stand. And your stupid story: `I dreamed of you at Siltbay.' Everyone in town knew I went to Siltbay. You probably heard the whole story tonight, while you were sitting in some tavern."

"No, I didn't, Molly. You have to believe me." I clutched at the blankets on the bed to keep myself upright. She had turned her back on me.

"No. I don't! I don't have to believe anyone anymore." She paused, as if considering something. "You know, once, a long time ago, when I was a little, little girl. Before I even met you." Her voice was getting oddly calmer. Emptier, but calmer. "It was at Springfest. I remember when I asked my daddy for some pe

"I know," I admitted to her silence. I knew the type of Hedge wizard she meant. I'd seen the dance of colored lights across a woman's close-eyed face. Right now I only wished I could see Molly clearly. I thought if I could meet her eyes, I could make her see the truth inside me. I wished I dared stand, to go to her and try to hold her again. But she thought me drunk, and I knew I'd fall. I would not shame myself in front of her again.

"A lot of the other girls and women were getting their fortunes told. But I didn't have a pe

"Molly," I said. I don't think she even heard me.

"I still don't have a pe

"You have to listen to me. You're not being fair!" My traitorous tongue slurred my words. "I—"

The door slammed.

"— didn't know you liked me that way," I said stupidly to the cold and empty room.

The shaking overtook me in earnest. But I wasn't going to lose her that easily again. I rose and managed two strides before the floor rocked beneath me and I went to my knees. I remained there a bit, head hanging like a dog. I didn't think she'd be impressed if I crawled after her. She'd probably kick me. If I could even find her. I crawled back to my bed instead, and clambered back onto it. I didn't undress, but just dragged the edge of my blanket over me. My vision dimmed, closing in black from the edges, but I didn't sleep right away. Instead, I lay there and thought what a stupid boy I had been last summer. I had courted a woman, thinking that I was walking out with a girl. Those three years difference in age had mattered so much to me, but in all the wrong ways. I had thought she had seen me as a boy, and despaired of wi

She had loved the boy, and foreseen a life together for us. I clung to the spark and sank into sleep.

CHAPTER FOUR. Dilemmas

AS REGARDS THE Wit and the Skill, I suspect that every human has at least some capacity. I have seen women rise abruptly from their tasks to go into an adjacent room where an infant is just begi

I awoke in the afternoon. My room was cold. No fire at all. My sweaty clothes clung to me. I staggered downstairs to the kitchen, ate something, went out to the bathhouse, began trembling, and went back up to my room. I got back into my bed, shaking with cold. Later someone came in and talked to me. I don't remember what was said, but I do remember being shaken. It was unpleasant, but I could ignore it and did.