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“Very fu
They all felt better after the meal and they talked for a while, until Sol a
“I’m going to bed,” Shirl said. “I’m not really tired, but it’s the only way to keep warm.”
Andy flicked the overhead light switch uselessly. “The current is still off and there are some things I have to do. What is it — a week now since we had any electricity in the evening?”
“Let me get into bed and I’ll work the flash for you — will that be all right?”
“It’ll have to do.”
He opened his notepad on top of the dresser, lay one of the reusable forms next to it, then began copying information into the report. With his left hand he kept a slow and regular squeezing on the flashlight that produced steady illumination. The city was quiet tonight with the people driven from the streets by the cold and the rain; the whir of the tiny generator and the occasional squeak of the stylo on plastic sounded u
“What are you writing up?” she asked.
“Everything I have on Billy Chung, they’re still after me to find him — it’s the most stupid thing I ever heard of.” He slammed the stylo down and paced angrily back and forth, the flashlight in his hand throwing twisting shadows across the ceiling. “We’ve had two dozen killings in the precinct since O’Brien was murdered. We caught one killer while his wife was still bleeding to death — but all of the other murders have been forgotten, almost the same day they happened. What can be so important about Big Mike? No one seems to know — yet they still want reports. So after I put in a double shift I’m expected to keep on looking for the kid. I should be out tonight, ru
“I know,” she said softly.
“A couple of hours a night — if that. Well, tonight I’m going to catch up. I have to sign in again by seven in the morning, there’s another protest rally in Union Square, so I won’t get much sleep anyway.” He stopped pacing and handed her the flashlight, which dimmed, then brightened again as she worked the lever. “I’m making all the noise — but you’re really the one who should be complaining, Shirl. You had it a lot better before you ever met me.”
“It’s bad for everyone this fall, I’ve never seen anything like it. First the water, now this thing about a fuel shortage, I don’t understand it…”
“That’s not what I mean, Shirl — will you shine the light on this drawer?” He took out a can of oil and his cleaning kit, spreading the contents out on a rag on the floor next to the bed. “It’s about you and me personally. Things here aren’t up to the standards you’ve been used to.”
She skirted around mentioning her stay with Mike just as carefully as he did. It was something they never talked about. “My father’s place is in a neighborhood just like this one,” she said. “Things aren’t that different.”
“I’m not talking about that.” He squatted and broke open his revolver, then ran the cleaning brush back and forth through its barrel. “After you left home things went a lot better for you, I know that. You’re a pretty girl, more than just pretty, there must have been a lot of guys who were ru
“I’m here because I want to be here,” she said, putting into words what he had not been able to say. “Being attractive makes things easier for a girl, I know that, but it doesn’t make everything all right. I want… I don’t know exactly… happiness, I suppose. You helped me when I really needed help and we had more fun than I ever had before in my life. I never told you before, but I was hoping you would ask me to come here, we got along so well.”
“Is that the only reason?”
They had never talked about this since the night he had asked her here, and now he wanted to know all about her feelings without revealing any of his own.
“Why did you ask me here, Andy? What were your reasons?” She avoided his question.
He clicked the cylinder back into the gun without looking up at her, and spun it with his thumb. “I liked you — liked you a lot. In fact, if you want to know,” he lowered his voice as though the words were shameful, “I love you.”
Shirl didn’t know what to say and the silence lengthened. The dynamo in the flashlight whirred and on the other side of the partition there was a creaking of springs and a subdued grunt as Sol climbed into bed.
“What about you, Shirl?” Andy said, in a low voice so Sol wouldn’t hear them. He raised his face for the first time and looked at her.
“I… I’m happy here, Andy, and I want to be here. I haven’t thought much more about it.”
“Love, marriage, kids? Have you thought about those things?” There was a sharp edge to his voice now.
“Every girl thinks about things like that, but…”
“But not with a slob like me in a broken-down rat trap like this, is that what you mean?”
“Don’t put words into my mouth, I didn’t say that or even think it. I’m not complaining — except maybe about the awful hours you’re away.”
“I have my job to do.”
“I know that — it’s just that I never see you any more. I think we were together more in those first weeks after I met you. It was fun.”
“Spending loot is always fun, but the world can’t be like that all the time.”
“Why not? I don’t mean all the time, but just once in a while or in the evenings, or even a Sunday off. It seems like weeks since we have even talked together. I’m not saying it has to be romance all the time…”
“I have my job. Just how much romance do you think there would be in living if I gave it up?”
Shirl found herself close to tears. “Please, Andy — I’m not trying to fight with you. That’s the last thing I want. Don’t you understand…?”
“I understand damn well. If I was a big man in the syndicate and ru
He stabbed the bullets into the cylinder while he talked, not looking at her and not seeing the silent tears that ran down her face. She hadn’t cried at the di
She did like Andy, she knew that — but did she love him? It was so hard to decide anything when she hardly ever saw him. Why didn’t he understand that? She wasn’t trying to hide anything or avoid anything. Yet her life wasn’t with him, it was in this terrible room where he hardly ever came, living on this street, the people, that boy with the knife… She bit into her lip but could not stop crying.
When he came to bed he did not say anything, and she did not know what she could say. It was warmer with him there, though she could still smell the gun oil, it must have got on his hands and he could not wipe it all off, and when he was close she felt much better.